Why do we do it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2009
Why do we do it?
15
Sat, 11-07-2009 - 7:42am
I've been lurking for some time until today. I think the cons are starting to outweigh the pros for me. I've had this, "I want this, this is fun, I can handle it" attitude for a long time. I think I lost it though and I can't get it back. It's been a little over a year for AP and I. I never wanted to want more, but lately I can't help but ask, "where is this going?", "what are we doing?". I read through some posts, and it seems a lot of us deal with the same exact issues. Why do we do it? I feel so pathetic. I'm asking the same questions as everyone else in this boat, "how does he really feel about me?", "is he ever going to ask for more?", "is he ever going to leave his wife?". I guess what I have is no different, not special.
I don't even know what it is I want. My marriage is great, or least should be great. I believe I do this for ME, not because something is wrong in my marriage. My husband is wonderful. Wow, I am a horrible person, huh? I mean, he's wonderful, and I love him, and he's the father of my children, but I have a connection with AP I just never thought could exist. I have never opened up to someone so much. I've never known so much about someone. Though somedays, I wonder if this is just a side of himself he only shares with me. Meaning, maybe I only get his "secret" side. Maybe I want more. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to talk about our days over dinner.
I don't know where I am going with this. How do you know when you want more? I feel like I either want more or I want it to be over. I hate this purgatory. The statistics are not in our favor. Ending a M and starting a relationship with an AP only has like what, a 20% chance of working? And how would we ever trust each other after doing what we have done to our spouses? What if we don't really know each other? What if the grass just looks greener?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2009
In reply to: qiqat
Mon, 11-09-2009 - 10:32am

I can't believe how it feels to read some stranger's post and feel like I am talking to myself...


I loved your line..."i don't think I want anymore, based on his actions".

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2009
In reply to: qiqat
Mon, 11-09-2009 - 12:10pm

Was telling your DH recommended? Did it help you get over your A? Is your marriage better now?

I don't have a bad marriage either. My DH is wonderful. I don't even know why I am having an A. I do it for myself I guess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2009
In reply to: qiqat
Mon, 11-09-2009 - 12:52pm

Telling DH wasn't specifically recommended.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2009
In reply to: qiqat
Mon, 11-09-2009 - 1:00pm
The fun is pretty much gone. Too many feelings involved now. Too many lies. I am not cut out for this. I am a monogamous person deep down. I can't truly give myself to them both at the same time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2009
In reply to: qiqat
Mon, 11-09-2009 - 1:21pm

Same for me...that splitting my heart ended up making me crazy.

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