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| Sun, 06-06-2010 - 6:42pm |
Hi all,
It's been a while since I've posted, so here's my story in a nutshell:
married less than a year ago to a good man that i dated for 5 years and I swear I was madly in love with when we got married. I was excited at the prospect of starting a life with him. Then, we moved to a new town, and I suddenly started feeling so trapped and lonely. Being married felt more like I'd moved in with my parents.. H was always asking me where I was going, when I was coming back. He was totally reasonable, but for some reason, I felt controlled and all I wanted was to be left alone. I felt distant from him, and I wished I was single.
Then the A began...met a hilarious, sexy man, nothing like my H, and it started out as an EA and quickly became a PA, the most sexually satisfying relationship I've ever been in, btw. Fast fwd about 8 months and he's made it more than clear to me how madly in love with me he is, how he's never felt this way for anybody, yada yada. Well, I realized that I dont reciprocate, and that I'm not ready to leave my H for him. So, I ended it. Managed NC for um...3 days. yeah. big whoop.
Then he emailed me basically saying that after all we'd been through, he felt he deserved a chance to talk to me about all this, instead of just this abrupt NC break up. so we met for a drink, and i looked in his eyes, and i just couldn't do it. we ended up hooking up again, and i'm right back where i started. my head knows that NC and working on my marriage is the right thing, but my heart, and my um...other body parts...are having a LOT of trouble letting go. I have this fear in my mind that my AP is opening up a new door for me, a mysterious new path that I never considered, and that I may regret not following that path. Then again life is full of hard choices, and this is just another one.
I've never been through anything like this in my life. I'm constantly tormented, both with guilt and fear. I'm full of questions about what the "right thing" to do is. I'm convinced that if I just put my energy into my M, things can get more satisfying on that front, but what if the passion, excitement and affection I receive from my A is something I'll never have again? My therapist tells me that with an A, it's like a prolonged honeymoon, because we never get to run the course of a normal relationship and deal with those things. However, I feel that our A has been full of ups and downs, just like any relationship.
So I guess my question for the group is, why can't I let go? it sounds like something we've all struggled with. its so hard! even when i KNOW its wrong, and i KNOW that ultimately, i dont see myself wtih AP, i still cant stop! its like i want to keep him as a back up or something...how screwed up is that? i sometimes feel like a monster...
can anybody relate? any words of advice?
thank you, this board is a godsent :)

I think lots of us relate to your inability to let go. It's something we all share.
I can relate to a lot of what you said. I've never been to therapy, but there's something I have certainly discerned about myself that might be true for you also. I know that part of my subconscious reasoning for having an A is to keep myself somewhat distant from my H. For some reason I don't want true intimacy. Something in your post resonated with me - something about being resentful that you had to account to someone for your whereabouts, etc. This independent streak that wants to be able to do what you want to do, without restriction - and having an A to "prove" that you are your own person. I could be way off base, but I think we share that trait.
Welcome to MAS existentialist! I look forward to your posts. :-)
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
Proud to be a
You've
"I felt controlled and all I wanted was to be left alone. I felt distant from him, and I wished I was single."
It sounds to me like you had a classic case of "cold feet", only AFTER the wedding. Being newlyweds, you go through a period of adjustment. Sounds to me like your what can only be described as "hasty" involvement with this man was a reaction to this. Instead of taking action and digging in and beginning the work that being married requires, you "reacted" and got involved with someone else instead. Your continued involvement is avoidance behavior. You are avoiding the emotional work it would take to let go of what is fueling your good feelings and focusing back on the relationship you HAD with your husband.
"my head knows that NC and working on my marriage is the right thing, but my heart, and my um...other body parts...are having a LOT of trouble letting go."
Great sex is very addicting and can also be very misleading. It can make us believe that we have real feelings for someone and that they have real feelings for us. The sex blinds us.
"I'm convinced that if I just put my energy into my M, things can get more satisfying on that front, but what if the passion, excitement and affection I receive from my A is something I'll never have again?"
I think the only chance you have to get back on the right track is to cut off all ties with your AP. There is NO WAY in hell you can make an informed decision about your life and your marriage if you are still involved with him. Because you will be looking at everything through affair-tinted glasses. As your therapist pointed out, affairs ARE like constantly being on a honeymoon. They are not "real" relationships. They are part-time relationships. It is virtually impossible to REALLY know someone all the way when your time together is limited, constricted and oftentimes mostly sexual. And though it can be very titillating in the beginning, eventually the sneaking around, lying and betraying someone you love does get to you. That's your conscience telling you that you are in conflict with your values. Some people can just ignore it and live that way...most people can't.
I would suggest putting your efforts into having a more sexually satisfying relationship with your husband. Why not take some of the things you're doing with this man that make you more satisfied and doing them with him? You may find yourself pleasantly surprised.
mm here..
could relate to some of what you wrote.. in my first marriage, we moved right away to a different state, and my exwf felt quite isolated in the new town.. even after a few years, being away from her family and old friends were a big source of sadness for her, and probably part of us growing apart. so.. i'd say being in new environs may not help your cause here, and the A becomes a crutch/drug to help ease the challenge of the new place.. but instead of working yourself into your new community, you've now instead gotten used to the drug that helps you cope..
and where you are now.. why can't you let go?.. because it is not easy.. at all.. try to visualize how it'd be if you got caught.. how hurt your H would be.. what you would lose.. will you be single again? will the pain ever go away?
on the other side of the coin, try to look at yourself and think about where you want to be in five, ten years from now.. kids.. being a part of your community.. a stronger bond with your H that'll take you to many more years ahead.. and all that is now on hold indefinitely.. until you decide what you are worth.. do you deserve this affair, or do you deserve a life that you can continue building, a life that you are a 100% contributor and participant.. or do you want to live your life as short episodes of escapes from reality spaced apart with energy spent upon those escapes..
there has to be a part of you that DESIRES your husband and can't wait to take further steps in a happy, healthy future.. and if that part ceased to exist since eight months, and if now, you look at the future and your H being there doesn't make your heart beat even a little faster, and the only reason you want to share your life with H is that you are loyal to him..
then maybe it's time to think about being single again.. not with your AP, but single.. a life of your choosing.. and seeing how that fits you..
just some thoughts here to get you thinking a bit more..
good luck..
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you guys have given me some excellent advice, and i think its particularly true that we can NOT make informed decisions about our relationships if we are still in the throes of an affair. an affair may SEEM real and meaningful, and i do belief my AP and i have feelings for each other and care for each other, but it doesn't hold a candle to what my H and i have built up, and it IS like an elongated honeymoon. my AP is just so convinced that im "the one" for him, and is so sure that he'snever felt this way about anybody in his life. when he says those things, it confuses me, because while im sure this A is more about our mutual issues than anything else, he's convinced that this A should have really been a relationship and that we're meant to be. i guess though, ultimately, its not abuot what somebody else wants for me.
i did react badly to all fo the changes of a new marriage, and i did freak out, and i jumped into the A as a way to avoid. but its time to get real with myself and my marriage, cos staying in the A will not make anything better on any front.
thank you all :)