why does he want to have a baby with W?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2007
why does he want to have a baby with W?
10
Wed, 12-31-2008 - 7:00pm
So...AP and I were talking once (we talk as friends, about our families and that), and i asked him how long he has been married for and he said " for 3 years" I replied that I thought it was much longer than that but he said " that's why I do not have a kid yet" He always talks how we both know that life is more than just about getting married and it is society imposed. He told me he images if we both were single. He also mentionned that he is mainly married because of his family and his family would turn him down if he gets divorced. But why is he considering having a kid if he does not believe in marriage? A part of me understands because I got married when I did not want to.....He also corrected me about something I said to my H, i asked him to mind his own bussiness. Once I mentionned that i have not printed my wedding pictures yet ( i got married almost a year ago) and he said that it is important and i should have done it....Why does he want to have a kid ??? and cares so much for my marriage?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2008
Wed, 12-31-2008 - 10:39pm

He wants to have a baby with his W because he loves her
Because he thinks she'll be a good mother
Because he sees future with her
Because he want to strengthen his M
Is it not enough?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2006
Thu, 01-01-2009 - 2:46am
Exactly......he just told you that he is married because it is what society and his family want him to do. If he is the kind of person that would marry for those reasons alone, then the baby is next on said list. Right? Then more babies....he's not going to leave her. He'll stay by her and make a family and do what he needs to do to look like he's doing it "right", and have fun on the side. Leave him. Unless you are ready for the whole second place enchilada. He's telling you early into this. Believe him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2008
Thu, 01-01-2009 - 2:54pm

Well said mommygoddess.....

Both AP and I come from very traditional families. We got married and had children because that is what we were expected to do..settle down, have kids...we figured out along the way that we weren't really happy, but divorce is not an option for us. I'm sure my AP loves his wife to a certain degree,,,but for some reason he needs me in his life and the vice versa is true for me.....This is why our A works..because we both know what "deal" is for lack of a better word.

If your AP having a baby with his wife is going to send you over the edge then you need to get out now before it causes you alot of hurt. Either that or accept that fact that no matter how much he is involved with you he has a wife and he is going to have a family with her, and part of him loves her...no matter how warped it sounds. I hope we're not sounding mean here, It just sounds like you're setting yourself up to be hurt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2006
Thu, 01-01-2009 - 10:48pm

I don't know if I can answer your question any better then the others who have already but I do know what you are going through. I found out a couple months ago my AP's W will also be giving birth sometime soon. I have been in my A for almost 5 years and I was in shock when he told me about this. From what he had been telling me it looked like his M was ending. Well until he told me about the pregnancy. It was a huge reality check for me. I thought things were different with us but I know now that is not the case. He loves his W enough to go to the extent they had to for her to get pregnant. I asked my AP the same question you are asking here and his answer sounded like such BS to me. My AP told me the reason he went through with it was because he was not willing to wait any longer to have a child. He tried to play the poor pity me card telling me he feels that he allowed himself to be trapped in his M just to have a child. I told him he did not get trapped he chose to go through with it. I have no sympathy for him feeling like he is trapped because this pregnancy had to be planned, I don't want to go into too much detail here but this was no oops here comes a baby.


You can email me off the board if you need someone to talk to. Unfortunately the only thing I have to offer is I truly know what you are going through right now.


Dreamer

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2007
Thu, 01-01-2009 - 10:58pm

Thank yo ladies for your replies and feedback. I did not find you mean by no means. Your replies really shed some light on the situation. I guess, it is the same as some people do not understand why people get married when they do not want to. He told me very openly from very beggining that he will not leave his W and divorce is not an option. Now he talks about it more and more. I know he loves her and he is very afraid that she finds out about us....I love him as a friend and I want him to b happy, I really do not care about being with him in A, I want him as a friend, as long as there is no games....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2006
Thu, 01-01-2009 - 11:07pm
You won't have games if you continue to be honest about your feelings, not only with him but with YOURSELF also. I know my AP adores his children and although he never told me that he does I think he loves his wife too..he treats her VERY well and I've heard how he speaks to her on the phone. He never talks bad about her to me. Yet he cheats on her and if it weren't with me I am sure it would be with someone else. The world isn't black and white, there is alot of gray area. If you're going to be part of the gray you need to take a backseat to the wife, the baby and accept what you have for what it is....if that is going to make you unhappy then you need to walk. Remember to take care of you...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2007
Thu, 01-01-2009 - 11:45pm

Thank yo Dreamer for your reply !!!!


I am sorry you are going through this. About a year ago he told me they would be trying for a baby ( at that time we were just friends). So i remembered and brought it up. I am very suprised he is planning on having kids with his W., and he was suprised I was suprised. May be she is already pregnant becase there was somethng in the air when we talked about it, it is hard to explain

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Fri, 01-02-2009 - 9:47am
i am very sorry you have to deal with this emotionally....i don't know what i would do, because right now i don't have to deal with that...and probably would never....fortunately, AP doesn't want anymore children he is in his 40's and so is W..., one of his kids is over 20 the other a teenager.....he is also past that stage however when we were just friends there was mention that someone wanted one...but he was

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Fri, 01-02-2009 - 11:08am

I think he's being less than honest about his feelings on marriage. If he doesn't "believe" in it and only did it for his family, then why does he think that wedding pictures are important and you should have yours printed? It sounds to me that he only doesn't believe in it because he can't have sex with anyone he wants.


At least he's being honest about never getting a divorce, but frankly, I think he's just one of those men who want more than one woman and will say anything they need to to the AP to make it happen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2007
Fri, 01-02-2009 - 10:22pm
WOW...aren't you smart, Jayeml!!!! I never put those two stories together, but you are right, if he does not believe in it, why he thinks memories of it are important....Yes, he is honest, he will not divorce, and a whole lot of other crap, I just said that I was not happy in my marriage and consider ending it. Well, let me tell you, I smelled fear, he was shocked and scared to hear that. I believe, because, he was afraid that I