Why don't you leave?
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Why don't you leave?
| Wed, 05-26-2004 - 2:14pm |
I stumbled across this board and am amazed at all the MW/MM that stay in their current relationships as opposed to D'ing and moving on. If you're unhappy enough to have an A in the first place, why do you stay in your M?
I'm not intending to judge -- I'm a SW involved with a MM. We care deeply for each other and are taking steps to see if we have a chance in the real world (kids, exs, daily grind of life, etc.).
Why do you stay? Money? Kids? MM/MW won't leave?
Trying to understand.
Tnx,
K

In my situation I have been with my H a long time (over 20 years total) and you just can't chuck that away. A lot of people here never intended to get into an A. You think you are dealing with whatever your situation is at home and then BOOM, this person walks into your life and you are drawn to them. I got married at 21 after I had been engaged to him the year before and I broke it off. I should have stayed with my natural insinct and not allowed him to talk me into it like he did. Ever since he has been a "decent" husband. He has what I would call a drinking problem but is not an alcoholic. He has always provided for us and loves me more than anything. He loves me the way I should love him. I love him... but it is like we are friends... it has always been that way. I have never had butterflies in my stomach or just couldn't wait for us to go away together to be alone and away from kids ect. I have other issues that I won't get into here but sufice it to say I don't feel that intimate deep down connection with him. MM is all that and more. I wish he wasnt' I truely do. But I was drawn to him. He started out in this because he was attracted to me and at the time there was a ban on sex in his house. He also is married to someone who is just not an affectionate person. With him or their children. He has professed deep feelings for me and informed that he is a loving person and in time would have true feelings for me. I look deep into his eyes and feel that intimate connection that I have been starving for all my married life. I had no idea that all this time I flirted that I was looking for this, but I think I was. I have not interest now in flirting or finding someone new... MM helps to complete me.
Why don't I leave? I have a good relationship with my H... For the same reasons I married him I don't want to leave him and make a mistake
Not sure if I made sense or even articulated eveything I wanted to say to get my point accross, but I hope this answers your question.
dd
Maybe I'm an idealist or a romantic... I would do anything in my power to lay next to the one person that completes me every night.
Do you think you "settled" when you were first married? Was that something you saw reflected in your parents' marriage?
It truly facinates me how people can stay in A for so many years. Or maybe I'm impatient, if a relationship isn't working, after trying, I move on.
I think I did settle. I also wasn't very mature or confident. I had broken off our engagement the year before and dated someone else. SOmeone who was just what I thought I wanted. He was a total bore and even less mature than me. He made my H look good. I wish I hadn't kept in touch with H... he wouldn't totally go away so HEY he loves me more than I love him I'll never get hurt right?? What a warped sense of direction I had!
dd
I read both of your posts and I thought it was me. I moved in with my husband at 16 and have been there since. I dont leave for many of the same reasons you described. I also broke off our engagement and moved home but he lived right across the street!!
It was just so ironic to read your posts..so much like me and my situation!!
MM has decided he no longer wants to be lovers (long story and he has done this before..LOL) so we are just friends right now. I feel the intimate connection when looking in his eyes..feeling his touch..kissing him..just seeing him. I am not attracted to him for his looks or anything other then his prescence(if that makes sense). He is a very good looking man and such a sweetheart..again..I was just set back by how familiar it sounded to me!
Smiles
Melissa
I am married and have been in one of those long term affairs you speak of with a single man. I have spent three years going through emotional turmoil trying to figure all this out. Affairs are a mystery from all angles to me. One of my earlier threads I asked the question, what does a single person get out an affair? So to me that is as big of a mystery as your question as to why don't we leave? Why, being single, would you chose someone that isn't truly available to you? I mean that merely hypothetically, as I am sure you have tons of good reasons why you chose who you did! As did my single man when he chose me ;-)
In my opinion, it takes a long time to "unwind" a life that you build with your spouse. There is a connection there, no matter the state of the relationship, that isn't easily broken. On top of that, I think it takes time to truly sort out the emotions you have when you are involved in an affair. I believe the emotions you feel at the beginning of an affair are more intense than in a regular relationship, so for me I wanted to make sure what I was feeling was real. Additionally, I had to wait on my other man to decide that his feelings were strong enough for me to go through the challenges of presenting this relationship to his family and to people we both work with. In the beginning of any affair, I think we all think we have found the most wonderful person on earth given the intensity of the relationship. I think its important to stick around long enough to make sure you are right before you uproot your life. But that's just me.
From reading this board, however, there are others that have no intention of ever being with their affair partner full time. They look at that person as an important part of making up their full self. And that is enough for all involved.
Or maybe there are small children involved. For example, my father stayed in a marriage for 13 years while his children grew up before he married my mother.
These are just some of the reasons I know. I don't know if you are new to the boards or not but if you read on, I think you will get a better understanding.