why is he doing this?
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| Tue, 07-13-2010 - 10:09am |
AP and I have been through cycles in our A. I am S he is M. So that causes him guilt I think bc he feels like I am putting my life on hold for him while he knows he is not leaving his M. So he is usually the one to kick us out of the hot phase by pulling back. This drives me to insanity and then he says see... I'm driving you nuts. So then he goes into how I should forget about him and move on with my life, and then I say are you serious you really want to stop things. Then he goes silent on me. And I never know what the heck he really wants or if this is all about his guilt. Sigh. Then I feel bad bc I understand his guilt and I don't want to hurt him either.
So currently I texted him yesterday and said that I missed him bad but if he really felt it was time to let go I wouldn't fight him. I asked him to make the call on this. He didn't respond all day. And then this morning I get a text that says I need to live... and he isn't going anywhere. So after trying to decipher this code, I guess it means that I need to move on bc he isn't leaving his M.
I really love this guy. I don't know how to do this. Especially bc I don't truly feel he means it. I don't know if I should text back... or even what to text back since I told him I would live with his decision. So now what... I just forget the one man I would have kept?? How... do I do this?
I am usually really smart about this stuff when I am using my brain but right now my heart is in control and my heart is a moron. :(

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Try to think it through sweetie. How old are you now? If this A goes on another 10 years, how old will you be? Would it be easier or harder to stop the A in 10 years? What would you have given up by staying with your AP another 10 years? HE is thinking it through. He must really love you to let you go. He knows that you probably won't look for anyone else if he's involved with you.
I understand where he's coming from, because I did the same thing once. My first AP was single, and after 1 1/2 years I broke it up because I knew I was holding him back. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. Strangely, my OM now is also single, and we've been involved for 11 years. Why do I not feel the same way about his life? Because this is a very different situation, and I would feel like I was abandoning him. He has challenges that make it difficult for him to have another relationship. Not that he can't, and I always encourage him to go for it. But I just can't abandon him either. Really think about it. Do you really want a "part time" relationship for the rest of your life? If not, when do you see ending this will be any easier? Just think about it.
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
Proud to be a
You've
Lexi,
I think you gave some great advice to wisingup. She needs to truly look into the stage she is in her life and where she wants to be.
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
Proud to be a
You've
I do want someone I can keep. I just wanted it to be him! I know it is unrealistic and that is why he is concerned. I do know he cares about me, I care the same for him and want him to be happy too. I just wanted our happiness to come from each other.
I have had the hardest time falling in love. Not meeting men, they are always there, but meeting men I connect with and actually want to start something with has been a challenge. AP happened instantly, felt like putting on my favorite t shirt. The way he made me feel is so hard to let go of and so hard to understand why I found it with someone I can't have. Lots of emotions right now.
So what is your advice on my response? Do I just let his text be and not reply? Bc honestly I don't even know what to say right now that doesn't sound like I am being ripped apart inside.
Thank you btw for your words!
Hi Wisingup,
I think instead of trying to decipher his text message you should see him face to face and know where you stand. There's nothing worse then being unsure about something and if he wants to end this then you both need closure. I think he sincerely feels alot for you but is torn between his marriage to his W and the relationship with you. I can relate to him so much because my AP is single as well and I always tell him that I'm blocking his blessings. He doesn't want to see anyone either (so he says) and I know he's lonely and I fill less then half of what he wants & needs.
Try to meet up with him, have a good long talk and hopefully you'll get the answers that you need to move forward.
Wishing you all the best!
Much peace & Love,
Rayne
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I really think your AP wants you to be happy too.
Hi purple! Unfortunately text is all I got. He is not the kind of guy who can easily sit down and discuss feelings with me. He has always been terrible at this, he gets all squirrely, and upset and weird about it. It upsets him to discuss endings or definate types of things. He RUNS! And if I start to cry or get emotional, he friggin' just melts and I can see it in his face that he can't handle it. So ...text is all I got right now. There is not a chance of sitting down over coffee and discussing the ending of this.
Hi Tanza!
Thanks for your thoughts. I do know he cares about me. I know he wants to do the right thing. I just don't know how to respond to that. Because I know we are both going a little nuts right now. Me bc I can't have him, him bc he knows it's hurting me. I just want to figure out how to handle this... without being selfish and looking out for his well being as well.
I am trying to figure out if there is some way to still care for each other without going through all this pain. Yet not having to completely leave his life.
All you have is texting each other, I see. Well I hope he contacts you soon and that you get some type of resolve from all of this. I know the just sitting there and waiting must be hell but I'm confident he will contact you eventually.
Hugs to you Wisingup, keep your head up!
Much peace & Love,
Rayne
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"So currently I texted him yesterday and said that I missed him bad but if he really felt it was time to let go I wouldn't fight him"
first texting that is in poor taste and secondly you are just giving him an easy out.......what did you expect him to say...you obviously know that he isnt leaving his wife for you so why would you torture yourself like this????
I think there is something wrong with any man who can sleep with a woman and not talk about something so simple in a relationship. Why would you even want this jerk. He is cheat to be with you, he will cheat ON you.......
Edited 7/13/2010 2:20 pm ET by brfl2009
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