why is he doing this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
why is he doing this?
47
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 10:09am

AP and I have been through cycles in our A. I am S he is M. So that causes him guilt I think bc he feels like I am putting my life on hold for him while he knows he is not leaving his M. So he is usually the one to kick us out of the hot phase by pulling back. This drives me to insanity and then he says see... I'm driving you nuts. So then he goes into how I should forget about him and move on with my life, and then I say are you serious you really want to stop things. Then he goes silent on me. And I never know what the heck he really wants or if this is all about his guilt. Sigh. Then I feel bad bc I understand his guilt and I don't want to hurt him either.


So currently I texted him yesterday and said that I missed him bad but if he really felt it was time to let go I wouldn't fight him. I asked him to make the call on this. He didn't respond all day. And then this morning I get a text that says I need to live... and he isn't going anywhere. So after trying to decipher this code, I guess it means that I need to move on bc he isn't leaving his M.


I really love this guy. I don't know how to do this. Especially bc I don't truly feel he means it. I don't know if I should text back... or even what to text back since I told him I would live with his decision. So now what... I just forget the one man I would have kept?? How... do I do this?


I am usually really smart about this stuff when I am using my brain but right now my heart is in control and my heart is a moron. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 7:04pm

your situation sounds a lot like mine..the first year...it's been 2.5 years now on and off....i can empathize with you because i've been there...i just want to give you a big hug...sincerely i do....and i wanna cry for you because i know the more you stay in it..and he's good to you..the more you will want happiness with him...and i also know that you cannot wait for him...you do have to live...and be happy and look for that someone out there for you....


what i will say is if you think you can handle it then go for it..but if you don't think you can, in the long run.....don't do it...


i'm pretty young too only 36 years old...i can say the good times are good and the bad are bad....

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 7:06pm
purplerayne007- he probably doesn't want to see anyone else..especially if he's telling you that...i'm in that boat myself...i really never want to go out and date and be with anyone else but sometimes i have to force myself...i rarely do it and when i do it's very forced and i never have a good time...(that's just a little tidbit from the single ap's side)

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 7:09pm
that's not really support brfl2009...goodness gracious...give it up

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 11:33pm

Thank you for your words,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 12:55am

"I love someone I can't have. End of story. It sucks."


I think that about sums it up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 2:32pm

Agreed! With all you said. Thank you for taking the time to give your insights because I needed to hear them. It helps to know I am not the only one who has been through this type of thing.


It is definately time for me to put on my big girl pants and face the realities. I am heartbroken and feeling a little rebellious against what is "good for me" right now. But this is what is happening and I just don't have the energy to fight it.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 4:31pm
Aw, man, I do know the feeling exactly.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 10:16pm

Yes, I have talked to him a little. I didn't reply to his text until today and because I had been so intense for about a week before all that went down, I took a lighthearted approach. I told him that I understood where he was coming from. He just feels guilty and he hates that I am not living my life to the fullest. He can't offer me himself completely

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 9:32am
honey you never know where life is going to take you.

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 9:46am
wisingup2010, as far as disassociating yourself from him, my advice to you is think long and hard..and DO NOT MAKE A DECISION you cannot live with.

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss