why is he doing this?
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| Tue, 07-13-2010 - 10:09am |
AP and I have been through cycles in our A. I am S he is M. So that causes him guilt I think bc he feels like I am putting my life on hold for him while he knows he is not leaving his M. So he is usually the one to kick us out of the hot phase by pulling back. This drives me to insanity and then he says see... I'm driving you nuts. So then he goes into how I should forget about him and move on with my life, and then I say are you serious you really want to stop things. Then he goes silent on me. And I never know what the heck he really wants or if this is all about his guilt. Sigh. Then I feel bad bc I understand his guilt and I don't want to hurt him either.
So currently I texted him yesterday and said that I missed him bad but if he really felt it was time to let go I wouldn't fight him. I asked him to make the call on this. He didn't respond all day. And then this morning I get a text that says I need to live... and he isn't going anywhere. So after trying to decipher this code, I guess it means that I need to move on bc he isn't leaving his M.
I really love this guy. I don't know how to do this. Especially bc I don't truly feel he means it. I don't know if I should text back... or even what to text back since I told him I would live with his decision. So now what... I just forget the one man I would have kept?? How... do I do this?
I am usually really smart about this stuff when I am using my brain but right now my heart is in control and my heart is a moron. :(

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Hi Tygerzize!
IT IS SO HARD! I was just sitting here this morning thinking how am I going to get through this? I have days where I feel invinceable and like I can handle it and then days where I just miss him and want him back.
He is the one keeping himself from me. I haven't told him I don't want to see him or talk with him. He responds only to me but hasn't initiated anything unless I go longer than usual not talking to him
yeah i feel you...my aps emotions are tied to this as well...and wow...the only thing i can say is...parallel it to this, if you were dating someone single, they then also wouldn't like to be asked what's going on? or where the relationship is going? i don't think men by any stretch of the imagination like to be pushed into or out of anything....i am supposing your ap just wants to go with the flow...and let the chips fall where they may....he probably just wants to see how it all unfolds...if he's telling you to live your life then he probably means it....but he probably wants you to live it with him in it....not leaving his marriage or anything...
i do not know what to say about him being the one keeping himself from you...perhaps he wants to be a friend....are you sure he only responds..? and what is longer than usual in not talking to him? a couple of hours, days, ...? and nope it's not fair you are vulnerable and open...
but realize he is not protected by the walls he has in place...sure enough he thinks about you when he's home with his family...sure enough he does..but remember he's married and has to stay focused on his family, especially if the kids are young kids.....he probably is trying to be a loyal man...for that you should respect him....
let me ask you a question..why wouldn't you want him to be your friend? what's wrong with that?
and heck naw you shouldn't be more lighthearted i never was in this..i am highly emotionally driven and my ap knows that..guess he chooses to deal with it...but i am saying if there is more of a benefit to having him in your life as opposed to not having him in your life..why not change direction and keep him close?
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
did he tell you up front he was never going to leave the w? if he did then there you have it..did he tell you up front he wasn't looking to fall in love?
if he has little small children, they are ties that bind people tightly to one another...homes, investments...or maybe like i said he's just trying to be loyal and stick to the committment he made....
you could look at it this way too..maybe he's doing you a favor by pushing back...he probably does care about you and doesn't want to hurt you...
since you can't live with just having him as a friend, and aren't willing to do that then you best bet may be to move on completely from this....but i cant tell you what to do, you need to decide for yourself....weigh the good and the bad the pros and the cons.
in my experience...the pros do outweight the cons..more than 90% of the time..its the 10% of the time there are cons...that hurts me....there are things i never have to do when we're together..i'm never at a detriment monitarily, basically he will take care of me, and
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
did he tell you up front he was never going to leave the w? if he did then there you have it..did he tell you up front he wasn't looking to fall in love?
Not up front but yes he has told me these things.
get outside the circle and take a look in..see what's really going on...take a few days breath, drink tea, exercise, read a good book relax and look again...decide what you want to do...
Yeah. I am trying to do this. I just haven't decided yet which is more pain, staying in this or getting out of it. I think I will dissappear this week. If he doesn't reach out for me, then I will just let it go. I don't have the strength to put any more effort into this if I am going to be the only one keeping it afloat.
girlfriend if it is taking your soul and energy then maybe it's time to step back and take a look at the bigger picture then make a determination....
...one thing i can say is that my soul nor energy was ever lost in this..ap has not let that happen...and wouldn't let me go down that road...my feelings may have been hurt at times but my soul never lost nor my energy for it gone....
"I don't have the strength to put any more effort into this if I am going to be the only one keeping it afloat." --- this statement is deep...especially if you are truly the only one keeping it afloat....WOW....!!!
yeah there are two people in a relationship...i completely understand this....((HUGS)) to you...i hope this doesn't rent too much space in your conscience and i hope that you are able to sort out what it is you truly want from this experience and relationship.....
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
Hi wising,
I think Tyger has offered some very useful advice to you but ultimately only you can decide what is right for you. I believe that when 2 people begin an affair and one is single it has a different angle on it than it does when both AP's are M.
I am also a SW but not heard from my AP who is a MM in over 2 weeks so I believe that my A is now over. I have struggled badly with this in accepting that he can just walk away and forget everything.
My A started as a friendship as he remembered me from when we were teens and he admitted he had a crush on me. He told me a lot of stuff about his M and how he wanted to leave long before our A started. Since the A started he has tried to leave but has always gone back saying that he was struggling with the thought of leaving his children.
He has
you are truly right...if it is meant to be it will be..no matter how many years days hours months etc..it will be...so sorry your ap hasn't contacted you in two weeks and has pulled away like that..maybe he has to take time himself to see what he wants....it really does go both ways ladies...we cannot assume because these men are married...that they don't have feelings and don't get hit with the GUT punches as much as we do...not to mention..we get to go home and cry alone..we don't have to put on happy faces for spouses, children and other family members...we don't have wish that spouse lying next to us in bed was actually us...we don't have to live those real experiences of ...dang i'm living this married life and do married people things all day everyday with this one woman (the spouse) in place here...knowing how she operates, and then them wishing it was us..but them having to live that real life....OURS are fantasies because we are single..so we don't have marriages-we get to go home and look sad without someone that we've committed to asking us what's wrong and not being able to tell them...we don't have to get in the bed with our significant other mad/frustrated/sad and upset wishing the SO was the girlfriend...trust me ladies this DOES happen.....don't let em fool ya and say it doesnt'..they are human just like us and have feelings.....
keep ya spirits up....i sure am keeping mine up
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
Tyge... are you and your AP still seeing each other? Or are you just friends? Or both?
Hi Ali,
I am really sorry that your AP bailed on you like that. It's cruel, no matter what the reasons. He could have just told you that he was going back to his wife. But I get the feeling he is keeping you on ice until he figures it out. He IS probably back with her but not ending anything formaly with you just in case things don't work out and he wants to come back. That is the trouble behind being the S one in the situation. They at some point know they have us, not sure how they know but they do and that is when every once in awhile they will "shelve" you when it suits them. It's up to us to show them we won't be treated that way. So even if he does come back and you have decided you aren't over him yet, you should at least give him hell for a while to teach him this will NOT happen again.
In my case, I just think that I am being forced into a friendship only situation and that is not what I want with him. So I feel a little rebellious against being told what's best for me. I don't have a clear perspective yet. So hopefully taking some space this week will give me that.
Take care of yourself, Ali! I wish I had better advice for you but I am sort of in the same kind of what is he thinking situation. Hang in there!!
Hi tyger,
You have just put into words a lot of things that I don't think I have ever considered before. These past 2 weeks all i've thought about is myself and my own feelings and sadness.
I have been angry at AP for not contacting me and so wrapped up in my own self pity that I don't think I have ever once thought that my AP might be feeling as crap as me. I have presumed that his silence means its over and that he does not care.
I have thought that he may need some time to find out what he wants and maybe the best way for him to do this is to be away from me and have no contact. Because he has done this before I have just expected him to contact me and
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