why is he doing this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
why is he doing this?
47
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 10:09am

AP and I have been through cycles in our A. I am S he is M. So that causes him guilt I think bc he feels like I am putting my life on hold for him while he knows he is not leaving his M. So he is usually the one to kick us out of the hot phase by pulling back. This drives me to insanity and then he says see... I'm driving you nuts. So then he goes into how I should forget about him and move on with my life, and then I say are you serious you really want to stop things. Then he goes silent on me. And I never know what the heck he really wants or if this is all about his guilt. Sigh. Then I feel bad bc I understand his guilt and I don't want to hurt him either.


So currently I texted him yesterday and said that I missed him bad but if he really felt it was time to let go I wouldn't fight him. I asked him to make the call on this. He didn't respond all day. And then this morning I get a text that says I need to live... and he isn't going anywhere. So after trying to decipher this code, I guess it means that I need to move on bc he isn't leaving his M.


I really love this guy. I don't know how to do this. Especially bc I don't truly feel he means it. I don't know if I should text back... or even what to text back since I told him I would live with his decision. So now what... I just forget the one man I would have kept?? How... do I do this?


I am usually really smart about this stuff when I am using my brain but right now my heart is in control and my heart is a moron. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2010
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 5:31pm

Hi wising,


thanks for your reply I agree that it is cruel. I am human and have feelings and he knows how

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 8:10pm

yes we still see each other, still talk day to day and text...

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 8:16pm

thanks a lot..but it did take 2.5 years to get that way..not that i'm comfortable all the time just that i think i'm learning to control my emotions more and deal with things as they are in this a.

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2010
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 1:41pm

Hi tyger,


thanks for the reply,I think becuase this A is new to me 6 months from us starting out as friends I beleive time does make a difference. 2.5 years is a long time so you both must be comitted to this.


I have been keeping myself busy i'm actually at a very busy phase of my life, ready to graduate, looking for a new job, plus i'm a single mum to 3 teens so life is very hectic at the moment. I have just booked a holiday for next month which is something to look forward to and that time away will give me time to sort myself out.


I have made a promise to myself today that I will not send him anymore messages no matter how temped I am to do it. My friend and I had a good chat today and she seems to think that no matter what I think about him ignoring me that he will be feeling that he has blown his chance with me because of what I said about it being over if he went back to his wife.


I never thought I would find myself in an A especially after being cheated on by 2 long term partners. But you can't control your feelings and what started as a friendship developed into something so much deeper. I constantly find myself thinking about all the things he told me and wondering if it was all meaningless and lies. He knows me so well and knows how I will be feeling right now and that is what hurts the most that I am so insignificant that he can not even send me

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 5:09pm

if you choose to stay connected with someone as time goes on it gets easier..as with anything else in life..not just affairs...feel me?


you may never get closure from this guy-but honestly that's besides the point....we never really need closure!!!...what we need to do most is learn the lessons we are supposed to from each

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2008
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 2:13am

"Especially bc I don't truly feel he means it."


This flew out at me and I'd like to present another POV. My exAP was single and didn't think I meant anything I ever said if it wasn't something he wanted to hear. But the problem was, he was wrong. As someone who has been there

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 6:29am

Thanks silence...


Your post reminds me of the movie "he's just not that into you." Where someone finally just says the truth and everyone gasps. lol I appreciate your POV and actually I agree with it. I have sort of come that point myself on my own. I stopped believing that he was out for my best interest a few days ago, because it just didn't feel right. I knew there was something else going on here. He isn't that considerate and if it was really about me he would have handled it very differently. It is most definately about him. And it may be because of his family, it also may be that he found someone who was more suited to this than me and doesn't cause him as much trouble.


I believe that I have come to the end of this for myself. I am emotionally exhausted over this selfish man who honestly doesn't deserve the way that I fell in love with him. I didn't want this A in the first place and I felt horrible about it, but he pushed and pushed himself right into my life. And then when he saw the reality of it's affect on me he took off. Then I chased, and so he began "dipping" in and out of my life as it suited him. It has taken it's toll and I am ready to be done!


Thank you for giving me that one last push to end it for myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 7:06am

silence that is typical in an affair..you are right...for one that isn't unique..but you also have to consider you are giving her your POV from what you've experienced...none of us including her..know what's going on with his mind and this affair...i can say that I ended it with my MM told him to never contact me, i didn't want to see him, couldn't stand him etc...he tried to speak with me every day..even going to the point of trying to be cordial..i wouldn't budge...then months later i contacted him...because i'm the one that tried to end it...he said he isn't going anywhere..still feels the same, still love me and my kid as much as he did and i didn't do anything but waste some time...he didn't want out at all..perhaps he is a cake eater and can just do it because he can...i never considered him that way...but i've never pressured him, nor tried to come between what he has on the other side...if he was to ever leave it would have to be for himself....


your point of view is a woman's #1 and also from a married person...so we, me nor you know what's going on in his head...i am certain of that...it's not that you are telling her "THE TRUTH" you are telling the poster of the threat "YOUR TRUTH"..and yes she should see it from all angles all the while going on with her life...


the encouragement to give the poster of the thread is that she needs to be looking within herself..doing things she likes and moving forward..regardless of whether he contacts her again..she should be still DOING HER.....she is gonna need to dig deep to try to move on with her life..and this is with or without him...in the affair or having him as a friend...her life should not be at a standstill whether she's with him or not..heck even in a normal relationship your life shouldn't stand still for another person.....


"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 7:09am
another wise thing i was told by my parents wising...don't believe everything you hear..noone ever gives you their full story...you have to decide for yourself what to do...i am saying that because i now you are very confused right now...as to what is going on with your emotions....take a step back and try to deal with this head on...keep moving forward....here's another ((HUG)) because i know it hurts...i can only say that someone cutting you off hurts badly..not because i had it done to me..but because i did it to the MM and i know it hurt him....

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2009
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 10:08am

seriously noone would put up with my tantrums and my breaking things off for months at a time and not even speaking or being at the least cordial when i see them...who does that?, but someone who loves and cares about you deeply...not that he had to prove it..but, just that who puts up with that? lol lol lol..i am ultra spoiled by him...and have been from day 1..


Who would put up with that you ask?