why is he doing this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
why is he doing this?
47
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 10:09am

AP and I have been through cycles in our A. I am S he is M. So that causes him guilt I think bc he feels like I am putting my life on hold for him while he knows he is not leaving his M. So he is usually the one to kick us out of the hot phase by pulling back. This drives me to insanity and then he says see... I'm driving you nuts. So then he goes into how I should forget about him and move on with my life, and then I say are you serious you really want to stop things. Then he goes silent on me. And I never know what the heck he really wants or if this is all about his guilt. Sigh. Then I feel bad bc I understand his guilt and I don't want to hurt him either.


So currently I texted him yesterday and said that I missed him bad but if he really felt it was time to let go I wouldn't fight him. I asked him to make the call on this. He didn't respond all day. And then this morning I get a text that says I need to live... and he isn't going anywhere. So after trying to decipher this code, I guess it means that I need to move on bc he isn't leaving his M.


I really love this guy. I don't know how to do this. Especially bc I don't truly feel he means it. I don't know if I should text back... or even what to text back since I told him I would live with his decision. So now what... I just forget the one man I would have kept?? How... do I do this?


I am usually really smart about this stuff when I am using my brain but right now my heart is in control and my heart is a moron. :(

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 10:29am

nah no he doesn't have to put up with it..he can roll whenever he wants to...seriously...there are things he does that he absolutely doesn't have to..that from what i read on these boards...a lot of the mm, again from what i read, don't provide, there are shared responsibilities in financing the affair...i never have to do that..they also don't get involved in the family life..etc...mine does..maybe that's just who he is...not sure..but i know i like it..and yeah i am very spoiled...and he doesn't have to put up with it, he knows i would never put him on blast or reveal anything to anyone...he's secure in that..so he's not afraid of that...


....noone has to do what they don't like..he doesn't think my tantrums are cute, nor does he like them...he has choices...just like i do...lol lol lol...it's funny because as i said..all affairs are unique in their own sense of being an affair...it's just who you choose to have one with...i chose someone that is really nice to me...


i dont buy into your theory...but you may be right if from your experience you know mm put up with that.....then they do...from your experience...


this is my first a, so i wouldn't know if a mm putting up with that stuff is the norm...

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 10:47am

Well I have to hand it to you, you are dedicated to your beliefs, tyge. And I appreciate your help and your thoughts. It's just that for me to move on with my life and find my sanity again. I have to drop this thing like a lead balloon. Right here. Right now. Because first of all my AP is not nice to me. He's a jerk! And second because I believe he does want out, and maybe he wants out with a door left open behind him but regardless... he has left the room. It is now my job to shut the door. I do not want him back. Because I don't want to be back on this board in three months going through the same story. And I would be. Because he isn't leaving. And there is no longer any reason for me to be attached to this. I wasn't suited for this in the beginning but he pushed his way in. And now in the end he is pushing his way out. And my problem has been that I have just been standing here this whole time.


When I am in a real relationship, my life doesn't stop, I don't stop living and I actually have fun on a consistent basis. I forgot what THAT was like. Where I actually have a say in things. The reason things got so unhealthy for me is because this man is screwing with my head. And it is taking all my strength and thought to figure him out... while I have so many other things I should be

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 10:51am
Yay for you wisingup!! You sound much more confident and determined than the girl who started this thread. I wish you all the best and in my opinion you are doing the right thing! I'm glad some of our posts helped you find your way - just from the way you sound, I think this is the right decision for you.

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 12:05pm

Thanks Lexi!


Ya, reality bites but I'm sick of living the dream. lol (nightmare)


Thanks for your encouragement, I will be on my way over to EAS because I am going to need those ladies to help screw my head back on straight. Can't believe how much this one hurt. I thought I already knew what heartbreak felt like.


Take care of yourself! And thanks again for the insight you provided. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 1:54pm

"

seriously noone would put up with my tantrums and my breaking things off for months at a time and not even speaking or being at the least cordial when i see them...who does that?, but someone who loves and cares about you deeply...not that he had to prove it..but, just that who puts up with that? lol lol lol..i am ultra spoiled by him...and have been from day 1..

Who would put up with that you ask? A married man who has a mistress that he wants to keep....as his mistress. That's who. Feel me? "

ITA , mia_2005. I wanted to reply her something along these lines but you put it better than me.If she chooses to be in denial,who are we to say anything but support her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 2:18pm

oh boy here we go again, it's not denial...each a is different...seriously...my ap is very nice to me always...noone has to put up with anything at all..including me..i don't have to put up with being with him..it's about choices...i'm offerring the poster of the thread..poster of the thread that is....support in that she should look within herself and move forward with her life...with or without him..i cannot tell her what she should do and neither should anyone else....she has to make the decision on her own...that's really all i have to say about that one....

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 2:23pm

again i offer you support in that you should look deep within yourself and move forward with or without him...i did not know that he wasn't nice to you...the only thing i can offer is from my perspective and what i've experienced...this is my very first and only ever affair and he is just extremely nice to me and goes out of his way for me....that's what i know about affairs..noone can tell you what to do, as i've stated before you have to dig deep and make a decision that's best for you...if you cannot stay in it..don't...if it were me and my ap was a jerk i would not stay in it at all...who wants to be with someone who isn't nice to them....i don't put up with that...and don't think anyone should..in or out of the realms of an affair....i wasn't sure of the specifics...if it doesn't benefit you then you have to determine if it's a good thing or not...i wish you the best...sincerely...and hope you can move forward....


to all the haters-again it's about moving forward..one doesn't necessarily have to leave an affair to move forward with their lives...or they don't have to cut ties....or be hard and cold about things....what's that gonna get you..it takes more effort to be mean to someone than it does to be nice...or kind..being cordial is less stressful....


i hope that wising is able to find peace in this and figure out what her lesson was in this experience

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

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