Why is it.......???

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Why is it.......???
10
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 12:51pm
My H is not the friendliest guy around....nor is he the neatest or most polite. He's been "asked to leave" a couple of jobs due to attitude and he can be extremely hateful to me and to other people. He complains if he finds anything out of place at our home (my friends who come over can't imagine anything ever being out of place) or if dinner isn't exactly perfect. My son begs me not to tell his Dad when he gets in trouble at school because he is scared of his temper. Now, he's never hurt the kids....don't think that because I wouldn't stand for that, but he does like to yell, which (yes...) it is hurtful in itself. He has threatened to kick me out of the house several times...once when I was pregnant with my daughter and most recently a couple of weeks ago when he was on one of his tirades about the house. Now, I work full-time and am the primary caregiver of both children (because he's never really around the house until well after the kids have gone to bed on most nights) and I pay the bills...etc...so it's not like I've got all the free time in the world. He's got a vulgar mouth and can be racist. His personal hygiene falls far from what I want from him. He doesn't brush his teeth regularly (unless he thinks he might be "getting some" which is EXTREMELY rare) and he thinks he only needs to shower "when he's really dirty." He's a mechanic...so guess how often he's "dirty!" Anyway...without giving more information away, you guys are probably wondering why I've not left him before. Well, the last time we had a big blow out and he told me to get the kids and get out of the house, he told me he didn't mean to say those things and I told him I would stay if he would agree to marriage counseling. Well, he said he would and now he won't have any part of it. I told him if those words come out of his mouth again, regarless of how big the apology, that was going to be it.

Let's backtrack to last fall....I've been engaged in an A with a wonderful MM whom I wish I'd met years and years ago. I'm completely and hopelessly in love with him, but I'm not going to leave my H for him. I'd leave my H for myself and my kids. I want my MM in my life forever, of course, but I'm taking it one month at a time.

Now, I'm not having s*x with my H because, well, quite frankly, the idea of it just turns my stomach. But, of course, he keeps pawing at me and trying to get me all hot (which just does not work) and when I tell him why (emotional distance) and other reasons (hygiene) he's offended! Gee whiz! What do I do, girls? Any advice?

By the way, the s*x with my MM is out of this world and I don't think I will ever tire of that! My MM knows everything that's going on at home and he's been a wonderful friend throughout this.

I appreciate for the ability to vent...I've been posting on the board all week, but this is the first time I've started telling my story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 1:05pm
Hi No, What he is doing to you and your kids is called verbal abuse. My advice is to Kick his butt to the curb and tell him to take a bath (sounds like he needs one). Trust me I was in a physical abusive marriage for 10 years and then I walked into a verbally abusive one. There is not difference between the two except that with one you can see the bruises. Just my 2 cents. SOXS (NMR)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 1:06pm
Yes, good question for those S Goddesses.... how do you let the mind go and be with someone else in the head, while your body is physically where you do not necessarily feel great?

M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 1:16pm
I used to get so mad when I would hear stories about women who stayed in rotten marriages "because of the kids" and here I am....doing the same thing. My parents can't stand my H and my dad has even offered me monetary support to get an apartment nearby so I don't have to pull the kids out of school in the middle of the year. It's just so scary, you know?

I love all of you and your advice is greatly appreciated! I'll take whatever y'all will give me honestly and with concern! Thanks so much for being there and being such good friends!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 1:20pm
I say, take your dad up on that offer. I tell you getting out of my 2 abusive marriages was the best thing I ever did for my kids and me. By the way, the fist one id dead, he killed his girlfriend and then himself. The verbally abusive one is still as miserable as ever. Good luck! SOXS, NMR
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 1:49pm

hey noregretsyet -- when you hit your bottom with the M, you'll be done!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 1:53pm

girl, i thank god you did get out.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

Avatar for nomoreregrets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 1:56pm
I'm glad I got out too. OH by the way, I was knocked off the internet and when I went to long back on I couldn't remember the password to soxs so I guess I'm back to my real name NMR :):) Having a blonde day!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 1:58pm
Thank you guys for all of your support. The advice is being well received. I have some big decisions to make, don't I? Thank you for being here for me. I will take everything you say to heart and keep you guys updated at each turn.

BTW, I really miss my MM right about now!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 2:01pm

good, think about your life and what you want it to be.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

Avatar for nomoreregrets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 2:04pm
Please do follow you heart along with your gut! It's not an easy road to walk but sometimes not exploring those unknown paths are paid with greater heartache. Good luck! NMR