why is my affair so different?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
why is my affair so different?
6
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 3:11am
why does my affair seem so different than most of yours ? I am not married anymore for one. His wife is leaving soon for another. And alot of people know about it. I don't expect him to live with me after his wife leaves but told him he could. I just want to be with him more often and be able to do things out in public together. I don't want him to get with anyone else when he is free. I don't believe that commitment has anything to do with marrige papers. I don't think I will ever get married again. It never stopped infidelity in my marrige. I know he is my best friend . I want to be there for him, to share his pain and happiness through the rest of his life . Most of your affairs seem like they are based on sex. Am I wrong? He always said he was just waiting for his wife to make the choice to leave. He said that the lawyer told him that this would be better for him in the eyes of the court concerning his children. And how things get split. Mine is an exit affair. Do you think a married man knowing his marrige is over picks a single woman to fill his needs ? Anyone out there single with this kind of affair?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 9:23am
I understand what you're saying, but I think you're wrong about the people here. I have found very few who are in their affairs only because of sex. Admittedly, a lot of the posters here are not willing or able to leave their M's. But they are much deeper than you make them sound. They are seeking emotional closeness in addition to sexual fulfillment. In a lot of cases, there hasn't even been intercourse. So I agree that not everyone here is looking to leave their current situation, but that doesn't mean their A is only about sex.

Now I'm not sure if you've read my posts or not, but you've been around awhile so I think you probably have. If so, you know that I am leaving my M. I am not leaving because of IS, but she certainly opened my eyes to the possibility for a loving, committed R. I didn't "pick" her because she was single. In fact, I never intended to fall in love with her. She and I just started out talking as friends and then realized just how compatible we are and the love developed over time. I am not waiting for my W to make a decision to leave because she never would. In no way is my former A an exit A.

Anyway, I am not single yet, but IS is. She too loves me and wants to spend her life with me. The main difference is I do hope to marry IS one day. I agree that commitment has nothing to do with papers, but I think M can be a beautiful thing and I hope to build one with the right foundation this time. I wish you luck with your evolving R. I hope you have the lifetime commitment you are looking for. It sounds like you truly love him in the right way. I hope my reply didn't offend you because I totally respect that you and he are planning to be together. Clearly, he and I have something in common in that way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 9:29am
Omaha, I completely agree. I am not in my R with MM because of sex only. I don't even think I chose to have an A...it just happened. Those of you who know me know what I have gone through (I'm going through a D right now) and MM has been a great friend...a source of strength for me throughout this entire ordeal. He is my best friend. He has my heart, knows he has my heart, and treats me wonderfully. My heart is so full for him right now because we started out as friends only and our R progressed. Whether or not my R with MM continues until infinity....he has made me realize that I am still a woman (not just a W and mother). That is something I will always be grateful to him for.

NRY

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 10:41am
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Edited 4/24/2004 4:31 pm ET ET by julietsfate
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 2:38pm
I am glad you guys still give me advice and comments. After Easter day when I had that spat with whoever it was on here I almost left for good! I even went back and edited some of my feelings out. I couldn't help it! I was venting some lonely down in the dump feelings. I thought that this board was all about trying to hold it all together through the hard times! Oh well, enough on that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 3:31pm
Try not to let the negative posts affect you. Believe me, I've been attacked about as much as anyone on this board and I've lived to tell about it. Generally speaking I try to respond to thoughtful responses, even ones that are not offered in support. If a post is simply mean and has no point, I will often just ignore that user. Either way, keep your chin up and know that 90% of the people here are here for the right reason. And we will support you. I've given some thoughts that were critical at times on here, but I always try to keep things positive and helpful. I know how hard it is when you are looking for support and you don't get it. But keep trying. You'll find the good far outweighs the bad here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 3:41pm
Omaha is right! Don't let negatives take over your life and the board... LOL If its your opinion we'all here to listen to it. We may not all agree on something but mostly we all do. We all are usually forth right with our emotions and thoughts. This board has a history of being attacked from all sides and that why probably hold together the most unlikely people together.