Why is my heart breaking....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Why is my heart breaking....
4
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 10:59am
I told H that I have finally made up my mind and I want a divorce. I'm just no longer in love with him. I am also not physically attracted to him at all. I didn't tell him but I don't think that I was ever really deeply in love with him. I can remember right before the wedding wanting to call it off but I just couldn't hurt him. Now it's the same thing. I can't stand seeing him hurt. I want to stay everytime I see him so sad. My problem is that I'm leaving a good, decent guy. I just can't love him like I want to love him. Any advice? He's hurting so bad. He claims to have finally realized what he has. I just have so much anger built up from years of him ignoring me. I'm sad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 11:23am
Oh my god..........I so understand where you are!! I knew I didn't really want to marry my H about a month before but was too afraid to call it off. Seeing him hurt is the hardest thing. When they love you so deeply, it's a horrible feeling to know that you don't return the feeling. I just told my H that I was beginning to feel like we rushed into things and that I don't feel like I'm where I should be in my life. (we've only been married just over a year). I saw his heart break and almost immediately, took back everything I said. It's so incredibly hard to actually do it and move on. I give you credit for having the courage and strength to make the move......good for you! We, as women, are raised to care for and sacrifice ourselves for the good of others and so being courageous enough think and care about yourself is the most wonderful gift that you can give yourself.

All the power to you. Just remember, that life goes on and you will be ok and so will he.

((hugs))

"blue"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 11:39am
Blue, thank you so much for the kind words. Sometimes I just need to remind myself that I count! I have devoted my life to my children and my husband for many years. I had always planned on staying married to H just because that was the way it was supposed to be. Then I met OM and realized that he may not be "the one" but I am a real person and I want to feel alive again. OM breathed some life into me. I always believed that H felt the same way. He never showed me love in any way. But now he is crushed. It's just to late. Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 11:56am
When I told H to move out I went through a flood of emotions. I to didn't have the heart (or guts) to tell him I was having second thoughts about getting married, so I did it anyway. 7 1/2 years later I had finally had enough. I believe that I grieved not the end of the relationship but the fact that I could not make my marriage into what I wanted or expected. I greived the loss of the ideal, what I had wanted my M to be. Yes, I did feel bad that he was hurt but at least it would be the final hurt that we inflicted upon eachother.

Ending any relationship is hurtful and scary. Hang in there, do what is best for you and your family and make sure that it is something that you can live with. Don't give into what others think you should be feeling, saying, doing. It is your life, yes our actions affect those around us but so do our inactions. As I have said before, life happens regardless of what you do or don't do, so be an active participant in your life and be the one who controls where it goes.

saatty

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 1:38pm
You just have to keep remembering that in the long run it's going to hurt him a whole lot more if you stay with him because you can't bear to leave him, then leave him later down the line. Whether he believes it or not, you are doing this for him as much as for yourself. It sounds to me like the marriage has been over a long time and that you've known it, but he hasn't had the benefit of knowing it. (Probably deep down he did...) If you end it now, he can maybe meet someone new and start a new life with her and move forward with his life, as can you. I think there are bigger issues than your anger with him ignoring you. Even if he'd been the most attentive, wonderful husband in the world if you aren't in love with him, you aren't in love with him. Try to focus on that.