Why not an open marriage?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Why not an open marriage?
36
Sat, 05-29-2004 - 6:12pm
I am visiting this board to get a better understanding on affairs. I have seen them happen with a lot of the people I know. I am not involved in any but as a member of society where 60 to 65% of people (men and women) cheat on their husband/wife - SO it has a big impact. Since the 60 to 65% of people cheating are not in the same family, it probably impacts 75 to 80% of families. I know there are a lot of reasons bad mates, good mates but dull, just happened, etc. The question is can a move be made to "open marriages" where the spouse is not "blind sided" by the affair, and gets to start getting their life reprogramed. This would help both husbands and wives of spouses that were getting involved in affairs.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sat, 05-29-2004 - 6:36pm
Well, I'm sure it can and does happen. But I would think that the adjustment from a monogamous marriage to an open one would be likely to kill it anyway. I think it must be agreed upon at the beginning to work well. An open relationship takes a lot of work and even if you have had one before, it may not work with your current mate. For instance, my SO is in an 'open' relationship. He always has been. Apparently it worked with his wife and previous girlfriend. This current g/f, while she has several boyfriends )and my b/f has been in the room when she's had sex with them - not to MENTION all the one night stands she's had with his blessing) can't handle knowing about him and someone else. So they seem to have a don't-ask-don't-tell thing going where he's concerned. And she's never asked. He takes a few precautions to make sure he's discreet, although certainly not as many as I took when I was married. And my marital state is why he doesn't tell her. He says he probabaly would have once it became obvious that we were going to last, but he didn't want her making any midnight phone calls to my H while the divorce is pending. No telling what a woman scorned might do, he says.

So, anyway, that was a long way to get to my point. Open relationships work, but they take a lot of trust and communication. In my SO's situation, I think both are missing and I don't think he has a good situation going. But from what I understand of his previous long-term g/f and his wife (he's widowed), it worked quite well.

HTH

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Sat, 05-29-2004 - 8:14pm
For me My H won't even try toys, he feels insecure about them. As if I may enjoy them more than him, in lieu of enhancing anything. I even mentioned another woman for 'spice' he turned me down. So 'open' wouldn't apply to me as I am sure it wouldn't to a lot of woman.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Sat, 05-29-2004 - 11:34pm
Most people cannot handle the jealousy/insecurity issues. I know that I couldn't. I even feel jealous when my OM flirts with other women, something I have only rarely felt with my h. Jealousy is just a very human emotion and very hard to subdue. I have always told my h that if he has an affair, I wouldn't want to know. And I wouldn't tell him about my a b/c it would hurt him terribly. He gets jealous of me spending time with my girlfriends. Even if I left him, I wouldn't tell him about the a. And even if he found out, I would downplay it as much as possible to spare his feelings. If I told my h about the a, he would either divorce me or put me through hell for quite some time. Most spouses will never give their permission, so what is the point of telling? Most of the time, affairs do not end marriages. And in the vast majority of cases the parties engaged in the affair do not land up together. So, while I agree that it is unfair to be setting up a whole new life for yourself with a new honey and blindside your oblivious spouse who thought everything was hunky dory, that doesn't happen in most cases. Unless you are both into the swinging scene where it's just basically meaningless sex with other people that you both indulge in at the same time, I think it's pretty difficult to navigate an open marriage. BTW, the psychologists who coined the term "open marriage" and wrote abook extolling its virtues landed up getting divorced themselves. Go figure.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 7:40am
So you sort of have a "don't ask don't tell" arrangement set up to help protect both of your emotions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 10:44am
No, no, no, no. This is not the answer, but probably appeals to guys that wish for random sex and senseless acts of randomness. The real issue, i think, is why people get into bad marriages to begin with. Think about it: people that get married for infatuation, because their biological tock is ticking, because they want to settle down, because they think they should...well, these are typical reasons doomed to failure over time. Hence, EMA's. JMHO
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 11:04am
I don't know what JHMO means but I understand what you are saying on the other points. I would add that a lot of time the dating period doesn't really reveal the real person you are going to be living with. I was just wondering if it would be possiable to say to your mate, I just don't think I am getting what I need out of this marriage, why don't we start looking around and see if there is a way to fill in the blanks. I have read some women say " I love my husband but I just need my OM to get all that I need in a man".
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 11:14am
txguy,

You are assuming all the people in this board or in an affair are in it for sex. I for one - am not. I may not be sexually satisfied at home but that is NOT the reason I am here today. I can go with out sexual satisfaction for long, but emotional distance kills me...

Plus, I don't think sex is always without strings attached - unless you are a prostitute. Sorry to be so harsh, but that's is my opinion. It always comes with strings or feeling of love, jealousy, betrayal and anger, whether you like it or not. JMHO

Fantasy (somebody's ??)


Edited 5/30/2004 11:15 am ET ET by fantasyhere

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 11:31am
You are equating marriage with sex only. It should be so much more: friendship, caring, compassion, intimacy, romance, sharing, etc. Women stray because it fills emotional voids in their lives; what soul can live with out intimacy, love? Thus, when a women says that she isn't getting what she needs from a man, it means the above, not simpley lack of studliness/sex. If one just could subsist on sex alone, why marry at all? why not just have a blow up doll or other such inanimate object? Or, if openess is the new definition, why not block parties to swap? yuk. I agree with fantasy, that is like prostitution....yuk. Inevitably, love finds us all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 12:13pm
I understand and agree that a complete relationship should include the qualities you mentioned, but can those obtained with an open marriage, to gain more partners. I was reading the taboo board (I can only read a little of it because it messes with my mind) and some of the people do just that, one partner for emotional/financial support, one for sex and passion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 12:22pm
Nope, don't think so. Most assuredly one can LOVE 2 different people for different reasons: ie: a friend, a passionate friend, etc.... Different people fulfill different needs that way and the human heart is capable of loving more than one person. However, what you suggest is single dating and random screwing with the outward appearance of marriage. Presumably the sex/passion other is just that- no strings attached. So, why be married at all? Is it realistic to have sex/passion without love or any human emotoin at all- NOT...... Easier to have a blow up doll, I say- truly no strings attached and no commitment or two-way contact whatsoever. Isn't that what your question really posits? Is that how the real world works? I don't think so: people need interaction. Why are you so persistent in this- are you unhappy in your current relationship sexually and hope that you can be fulfilled elsewhere without having to make hard choices?

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