why is there a roller coaster?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
why is there a roller coaster?
14
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 9:01pm
I just posted recently as MM was thinking of divorce and things have gotten pretty terrible at home for him. He was miserable. I wasn't sure exactly why...and yesterday when we talked he really opened up. It seems W is constantly putting him down- tells him what a horrible father and person he is and basically wants him to make more money.

Granted we all have our good and bad points- but this is a guy who takes his kids almost daily to practices and trots them all over the place for travel team games etc. He cooks and cleans and does lots around the house. He is a surgeon who got hurt and is on disability, but still works and granted doesn't make what he use to-- but makes ALOT...and she can work if she wants and can make a fair amount of money. I know I am on his side and biased- but the kids side with him and that tells you something and that gets W even more upset. He finally talked with his parents as he was very depressed -- and his parents have let him see things a little clearer.

He said he had needed space and time to figure out whether his R with me was causing things to deteriorate with W...and now knows that our R will not change the course of his R with W. He is much happier when we are communicating than when we are not.

I do love him and respect him. We have been friends for over 20 years and have been through so many things over the years. I guess I am wary about getting back on the roller coaster. We haven't been together in over a year and I like where we are right now with the talking-- I just don't want to ruin that if that makes sense. I know he loves me and I have not doubted that (OK not very much) over the past year. When you talk about the thrill of the chase that is not us- for some inane reason he thinks the world of me and I think the world of him-- so this may sound dumb-- but what causes the roller coaster? And how do you maintain that balance?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 9:35pm
For me the roller coaster is caused mostly by MY expectations/hopes. I know what the situation is, but when I start to expect more I crash to the bottom of the coaster almost always. I can *hope* for us to be together for real someday. But when I let that *hope* become a daily yearning...I crash to the bottom of that coaster once again.

MM's side of the coaster ride would be his guilt, and overwhelming fear of not being able to tuck his son into bed every night if he were to finally divorce the W he does not love. Crashes him to the bottom of that coaster every time.

I don't know how you can avoid it, not when you love someone. The crashes can become fewer and farther between though. If you keep it all in perspective. And as I've discovered in the past few weeks (HUGE crash for me over the holidays), I need those down coaster ride times to remind me of why I am here, and make sure I want to stay.

Hope that made some sense!

CFH

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 10:06pm
HI TB

Expecting the A to operate like a M (being able to make plans and keeping the plans) is one cause of the RCR, an affair is just that do not expect to much.

You two sound like the A has grown past being an A into a true and abiding friendship my be you should be glad it is that way now because a true friendship will out live an A almost everytime.

FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 5:09am
Hi free, I just wanted to ask you a question.

What is the easiest way to keep an A in prospective and not expect to much? In my head I know thats what I must do but sometimes its easier said than done

SB

 Seeburg    

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 10:36am
I agree with you mefreenow. A true friendship will survive the A. If the A part of the relationship had to go, the friendship would remain. The bond is too strong to ever let go of. Of this we are certain and it has always been the primary reason for the relationship in the first place. I am grateful for this "rare gift". When I think I want more, I give myself a reality check. We keep each other in check and try to keep the balance when one of us falters. You can have respect in an A if you keep communicating and don't lie. It's a fine line, but it can be done if you want it enough.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2003
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 12:22pm
I want kiss him so bad right now and I can't and that's why I am not keeping my balance. :):):)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 12:27pm
Thanks so much- this is exactly where he is and it makes perfect sense. I have known MM for over 20 years and we dated in college and fell in love and then well we both made mistakes...anyway we remained good friends over the years. About 2 years ago we both talked about our current lives and realized we were more or less in the same places. We both regret not having stayed together- it was alot of miscommunication...and we got together. It was perfect- more than I could have imagined.

I guess I can't help but think at some point we will be together. I am M with a 5yo; he is M with a 12 and 16 yo. Neither of us wants to lose the relationship we have with our kids. My H is a great dad - it is just we aren't friends and have grown apart. It is not a bad M it just is not good. I do want him to see his DD grow up so at this point I do not want a D.

It is hard not to think about the future and you are right that is where I get in trouble. Right now we are "back to normal"- he writes these incredible emails and lets me know how important I am. Even when we were NC for 3 months I knew he loved me. It was just incredibly hard. I just don't want to go through NC again. So for me- keeping it LD for now is OK. I guess I just want him to really figure out if he will eventually leave his W...not now but sometime in the future...before I will get together in person again I need to know that. I do not want to lose his friendship again. That is more important to me than the physical side of the relationship. To be without my best friend for 3 months was awful. It was the first time that had happened in 20 years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 12:44pm
HI See

you ask a tough question I may start a thread on it, but will spend some time thinkiing before attempting an answer.

BE FREE

FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 1:21pm
Hey tb!!

I am in a similar situation, someone from college, miscommunication, bad timing, etc., even further back than you. No, I wouldn't want the NC. We are best friends. Day by day. M's are okay, but not the same feeling as when we are together. Can't look back, moving forward, keeping it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 1:54pm
Tb, have you heard of the book "Lost Loves" by Nancy Kalish? I have read it and you would be able to relate. It is about people who have rediscovered each other after many years and the dilemmas they get into when an old love resurfaces. If you do a search on the web for lost loves, you will get some articles re: this subject, which is not so uncommon. You are not alone in your situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 4:04pm
Thanks so much! I have never heard of the book- but will definitely get it. It is so incredibly difficult at times. Ever since we first met we have always been great friends and then the love came. Years ago the power of it just scared me and I needed some time and well- messed things up.

The truth is I feel like he makes me a better person. In his eyes I am this smart, independent women who loves life and tries to be a good person. Often I feel the direct opposite- yet with him I am who I want to be if that makes sense. It is like being on a team and being willing to work incredibly hard for your coach because you believe in them and they believe in you-- with that you can accomplish almost anything. I use to think that could not last- sooner or later he would see the light. Yet remarkably the more he knows about all the things I try to hide - the more he appreciates who I am. God knows I am not perfect- far from it...and having these feeling for him is incredibly difficult - but yet he really is my soulmate. I would be lost without him...and for whatever reason he feels he would be lost without me.

Keeping perspective is so hard and there are definitely times when I wish I could just roll back the clock, but then there are the kids...hence the roller coaster. Do you have a lost love that has been rekindled - how do you deal with that frustration about what might have been?

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