Why would you want to....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Why would you want to....
16
Tue, 08-19-2003 - 9:41pm
continue in a relationship where you can't even call your partner for fear of "driving him away"? Why would you want to be in a relationship where if he says he will call you back "in a bit" and he doesn't call for three more days, you can't even call him to ask him, "heh?"??

I ask this because I see a lot of that sort of thing on this board, and I see that there are a lot of women on this board putting a lot at risk for these relationships. But what kind of relationship is that? What is so special about these guys that make you want to compromise what you want in a real relationship in order to be with them once in a while when they make the time for sex?

Help me out here? I don't understand....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-19-2003 - 10:48pm
The same reasons you did at the time i would guess Yoga. Why would you ask a question like that when you very well know the answer yourself from your own EMA, I dont like people asking questions they already know what the answer is, just to get a rise out of people? so Chick whats your response?

Hope

Avatar for carlym2000
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 08-19-2003 - 11:14pm
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh Yoga, how can you ask? The answer is simple, affection, love, support, satisfaction, love, warmth, tenderness, the touch of a person that can make your heart beat like it never has before, the feeling of being alive again after being dead for so long, the smell of someone who adores you, the gentle touch of their hand in yours, their breath upon your neck, their soft lips gently and ever so softly kissing yours, their eyes looking into yours as if the whole world doesn't exist, even if only for a brief moment, the sharing, the caring...need I say more.....

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Wed, 08-20-2003 - 12:48am
Well, that makes a lot of sense. I just believe that all of that is possible with someone who can have a more equal and mutual relationship. Or I wish that were true for the sake of many of the ladies here. I really do.

But what you say makes a LOT of sense.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-20-2003 - 8:24am
While I can see where Carly is coming from, I have to respectfully disagree.

Why do we demean ourselves, damage our self esteem, hang on and beg for attention in our EMAs? I don't know. I thought the whole point of a lot of these EMAs was to get the attention we were NOT getting in our Ms. To turn to someone else, only to have to do the same begging, pleading and nagging to get that attention is a waste of energy.

If the man gazing into my eyes truly adores me, cherishes me, and is equally eager to snatch those moments of passion w/me, then why the heck can't he pick up the phone and call me when he says he will, arrange time for us to be together like I rearrange my schedule for him, etc.... why am I doing all the work to maintain the contact in an EMA, when I could be fighting that same battle at home w/H with a lot less headache because at least H is in the house and I am free to call him whenever I like...

I think we get caught up in the romance and the idea. And then I think we excuse the behavior because we don't want to lose that romantic idea we thought we fell in love with. So we do what we need to in order to maintain the fantasy. But the reality is, if he can't make time to be with me, to think of me, and to make the effort in our R like I am willing to do for him, then he is not what I am looking for. Where is the respect, the love, the caring and the adoration of someone who can not seem to call me, set aside time in his appt book for me, and even occasionally PLAN the get-together?

This is not to say that things don't come up, life doesn't occasionally throw a curve ball... but really, how often does that happen before it becomes a pattern and an excuse for selfish behavior? I can tell anyone in my life that work "gets in the way" but guess what... some of that IS in my control, and until I take responsibility for that, it WILL overrun my life.

If I'm putting *that* much work into a R, it better be with my dog or something. At least I can excuse his not picking up the phone!

-lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-20-2003 - 9:50am
i agree with lily. if the EMA/A becomes tense, disrepectful, generally not fun, why stay in it? communication is key for any relationship and being in the EMA/A, it is crucial that you be able to tell the other person how you feel when that person does something to upset you (or piss you off, as the case may be!).

leaving a M/committed R is very hard. shared commitments, finances, children, housing, etc. are involved. leaving an A/EMA is not as difficult, but involves feelings and emotions and expectations. it's is hard to let go, but sometimes it's the only way to stay sane in life.

just my humble opinion,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Wed, 08-20-2003 - 9:56am
I'm going with what "C" said. Feeling alive again after all the years of feeling like I would never have feelings of passion ever again. I'll take what I can get! I know that sounds bad but I just feel SO good when I'm with him. He makes me feel like a woman. And that has changed my whole life. I've always been a mom and a wife now I feel like a real woman again. When he leaves if he ever does I have that to keep!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 12:19am
"If the man gazing into my eyes truly adores me, cherishes me, and is equally eager to snatch those moments of passion w/me, then why the heck can't he pick up the phone and call me when he says he will, arrange time for us to be together like I rearrange my schedule for him, etc.... why am I doing all the work to maintain the contact in an EMA, when I could be fighting that same battle at home w/H with a lot less headache because at least H is in the house and I am free to call him whenever I like... "

Excellent points lilly!! I think EMA clouds the reality and provides an escape into fantasy world, which you call the "romance and idea". I think a lot of EMA including mine were just an escape into from the problems in the M. If you dissect and look at each of M and EMA's we probably go through more trouble for being in an EMA than a M. That's is why a lots of EMA as just a temproary escape from reality of married life and issues. Atleast, that is what I can analyze from my own personal situation. But having said that, yoga, you can never TELL anybody here to change their mind with your posts if that's what you are trying to do here. Each EMA has to run its course and die a natural death. That is why I find you posts a little offensive or even "board-stirring". LOL

"If I'm putting *that* much work into a R, it better be with my dog or something."

That is what I felt when my EMA ended. If I have to put so much effort to maintain a semblence of a R, I might as well invest the time and effort in my M since its salvgable. Again, somebody else might prefer their dog over the M, LOL, since all of our siuations are very different. Good thread from you Yoga and you to lily.




Edited 8/21/2003 12:22:09 AM ET by i_another_lurker

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 12:50am
Well my take on this is different than the posts here. I'm tired, so I hope that I express what I am trying to say.

See I don't believe that the not calling is always disrespectful or a way to demean oneself by not getting your panties in a twist and just dealing with it. It seems to me that many here put too much emphasis on these calls and can talk to someone 3-4 times a day (if not more) but feel unappreciated/disrespected if that "one" phone call is missed - regardless of the reason. The fact of the matter is that in "any" relationship there is what can be considered inconsiderate behavior, whether it is picking up your dirty underwear (ugh!!!) or going out of town without letting you know first, or just rude behavior that goes on in a marriage behind closed doors. These things happen in ANY relationship and for some reason a lot of people here in affairs look at returning phone calls as a means to measure a relationship - like single people get more calls back or married couples don't have their own inconsiderate behavior to deal with. LOL!

There are some in affairs that CAN call the MP. But there are single people who can also call the other single person and that doesn't make the relationship more meaningful. You know, if a telephone call is how you measure your worth, I believe that is sad. But if you are demeaned when someone can not always drop everything else and call you when you want, I find that sad as well. Fact of the matter is that I want to call someone when I feel like it, whether I love them or not AND I don't believe that they care more or the relationship means more IF they always call me when they say they will - know why, I can't guarantee I'll be there to answer or will feel like talking because there are other things going on in my life besides talking to them on the phone at that exact moment. But these are not things that "make" my relationships or determine my worth... Now there are other things that I will do to let a person know that I appreciate them or my relationship. If these things are not enough, that's too bad because the "calls on demand" aren't going to happen. Finally, some people call out of duty. In fact, many cheating spouses call their mates like clockwork. Wonder how many BS would feel about their phone calls if they knew that many times the OP was also sitting there on the other side of the line. A phone call isn't all it is cracked up to be...

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 1:47am
"What is so special about these guys that make you want to compromise what you want in a real relationship in order to be with them once in a while when they make the time for sex?"

I'm not ready for an open relationship, to be honest, even with MM. I do consider our A a *real* relationship though.

I entered FWB with MM because of the intense attraction, and frankly I didn't want to wait for over a year for seperation, let alone another possible year for D, before going into a relationship...for the sex, lol. No matter how much I may have thought I "had it together" before the A, it did also bolster my self-esteem.

Why have I stayed in an FWB? Because I know MM doesn't expect anything from me (outside of the obvious, respect and etc.). Because no matter how much my self-esteem has now grown outside of the A, I still desire IC and all that came with it in my relationship with MM - the care, touching, compliments, etc. - basic human needs for most. Well yes, I dare say I could find that in an open relationship - but I entered in an FWB for the man, not the relationship. I'll admit I need a man in my life - for the sex and the emotional too - and up to now, it wasn't any man, but MM himself that I've needed.

Meow



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 3:52am
Rose4161 ~ I don't think lily and I were judging the MM's based on one telephone call missed here and there. All of us including me have been guilty of that in our lives. Its just the repetition of such a behavior by the MM is what in question here. Rose as you know the women that post here take time out of their lives for their OM/MM/EMA. They risk a lot to be with the OM/MM. What is wrong with the expectation of these ladies that MM should also be considerate to them on that level?? You said a phone call or line isn't what its cracked up to be, but I strongly disagree. You may or may not know a simple phone call is what ended my EMA, honey. You can never say that to me, not in this life time, anyway. LOL

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