WHY???....double standard?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
WHY???....double standard?
12
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 4:13am
I'd like a group opinion...something to really think about...

WHY is it taken as no big deal when a married man has an affair, yet if a married woman has an affair then its HORRIBLE!!! HOW could she??!?!?

..


ANd when a man has an affair...how come the "other woman" makes the wife out to be the "bad guy".

everything is based "good or bad" depending on which side of the fence youre sitting on..


A few months back, in Dear abby's column...there was a letter written from a woman who was miserable in her marriage, but she had taken her vows and felt like she was doomed to be miserable the rest of her life rather than break them..

Two ministers replied...both of them saying...God did not intend any marriage to be miserable and if it was then it was not a marriage in God's eyes...and the vows had no merit..

not that im saying either/or ..just that it was interesting to see their view..






Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 9:22am
For one thing, I think society views women as the one who holds up the family. Whether that's true or false or outdated or whatever, that's still the way many of the judgmental types of people you're talking about feel. Since men are often led around by body parts other than their brains, often it is assumed that women will be the voice of reason that prevents things like premarital sex and affairs from happening. We're expected to be strong enough to resist. And often, honestly enough, women are. But women are also very sensitive beings and if we reach a certain point in our lives where we're maybe in an unhappy marriage plus an outside influence comes along... Things can happen.

However, I DO think that not all our marriages are as unhappy as we think they are. I think when you meet someone else, you do a lot of thinking and reflecting on your marriage. It's like a giant spotlight is shone on it. OF COURSE there are going to be flaws because no marriage is perfect. And when you have a man showering you with attention and making you feel beautiful and all your R is about is having fun, then of course your marriage will seem dull in comparison. I think a lot of it is what's called cognitive dissonance -- your mind can't handle the difference between what you're doing and what you think you should be doing, so you struggle to justify it to yourself. You tell yourself this man is your "soul mate" (a term that's spoon-fed to us from the time we're 5 until we feel like it's a fact of life) and that your husband just doesn't understand you and doesn't know how to please you or whatever. You also tell yourself you love this person you're having an A with when maybe you do but maybe you don't. Maybe you're just caught up in that same rush you had when you were 15 and falling in love for the first time and you're addicted to that feeling. But if you're truly unhappy in your M outside of the affair, then I don't believe you should stay. Not if you've tried everything and still can't work it out. But during an affair you can't really be an objective judge of whether or not your M is good. You're too caught up in what you feel for this other man and you start to feel like even having good thoughts about your H is cheating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 10:30am

hi summersnow.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 11:34am
One thing that annoys me the most is that the mean ladies call us the receptacle for the MM/OM. I wonder what the h#ll they are doing different when they come to their SO's or H's?? Do they catch "it" somewhere else??? I mean are they specially equiped or something....
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 11:49am
hmmmmm I'm not sure the minister's replies had any biblical base -- but okay, I guess I kind of get their meaning. I think the whole thing is related. The double standard imposed by society makes the OW want to blame W. That way we have an 'excuse' for our behavior. So even though we shake our fist at the standard, in some ways we want to impose it too. Got to love human nature, right (hee hee).

The standard, I believe, comes from a pattern we see in nature. The male of most species will try and impregnate as many females as possible in an effort to propigate their own seed. The female of the species is more selective -- wanting only the prime male to impregnate her. Its the whole hunter vs gatherer thing... man we need to grow up as a society, don't we?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 11:51am
And after all... one must have a purpose, right? Us poor ladies couldn't possibly be using the guys (snort)...
Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 12:14pm
OK.... i basically follow all of your points, except the part where the OW hates the Wife??

i get that we are discussing broad generalizations here, but i would guess that probably at least "half" us "other women" don't really hate or have major issues with the wife. Isn't it the MM that has the issues with the wife?? Once in awhile, the three of us hang out together. And i know there are instances where OW has met MM through being friends with the W, so obviously those OW don't hate the W.

i don't feel any competition or bad feelings toward her. i feel she pushed her H into having an A by making things the way they were, i feel a little bad for her, but mostly i just feel that MM and me and MM and W are just two completely seperate relationships and they don't necessarilly have all that much impact on each other.

My case is a little weird i guess, but i am not feeling any real issues toward the wife.

As far as social perceptions and affairs, yeah, i think women do kinda get the bad rap. it almost seems acceptable for the men. it never occurs to them that i have a BRAIN that i have already realized (all by myself thank you very much)the pitfalls of such a relationship and the chancse for being hurt, but that i have also decided that for right now in my ilfe the good outweighs the bad (and who can walk away from so much fricking HOT SEX????????????????)!!!! it's like yes, i know what i am doing, i get it, and sorry i don't feel the amount of guilt YOU think i ought to. Actually, i usually feel none!

And one last rant while i am at it, i am always constantly hanging around these boards (i need a life) and it seems to me the "mean posts" are usually showing up here against us and not there against them. Referring to the OW vs W issue above, when they find out, i think they usually hate us way more than we hate them. My MM's W doesn't hate me, she jsut isn't thrilled with me. i can understand.

Sorry this went on for so long!

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 12:21pm
Actually... I'm with you. I was only responding in a general way to the previous post. I don't hate W either, don't think my MM is perfect and not to blame (or that there is any blame to cast for that matter). It is what it is... I'm just saying that for those that do feel those things, it is in part because we are sort of programmed to try and make an excuse or reason or whatever.
Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 1:01pm
OH my post was just in general to the first post too. i am not even disagreeing, just talking. Did not mean anything directed at anyone, just rambling :)

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 5:39pm
gurlfriend ........you took the words right out of my mouth ;-)

xoxo ViperDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 1:58am
where i was going about the other woman making the wife out to be the "bad guy"

are the situations where you have hubby telling other woman that he cant be with her because...wife will take him to the cleaners, he wont get to see the kids(ohh please talk about one stupid line)or wife is unstable and she'll do something to herself if he leaves..or it will put his mother in a grave if he divorces..etc..

most of the time..(i wont say all) this is just a bunch of gobbleity goop..

so youll hear the other woman talking about what a bitch the wife is...

when in fact...the wife probably doesnt know..or doesnt WANT to know about the affair..

of course i acknowledge that theres a reverse also true...where the wife makes the other woman out to be the homewrecking devil...

how many times have we heard "he told me he wasnt married" or....and i love this one..

we're in the same house..BUT we're NOT having sex..

show me one man that will turn it down!

AND i agree about the "mean people", i am not a bad person for being married and having an affair (after 6 years I cant call it JUST an affair) i just finally got so lonely i couldnt bear it this made me more susceptable...am i making a mistake...probably..do i regret it...never.

i will someday be able to tell my great grandchildren about a love between two people that was so deep that it made angels sit on fence posts and take notice..

....this is supposed to be a support place..a place for understanding..who knows better than someone who has walked the same mile in the same mocassions .this is why i posted in the first place....

everyone is entitled to an opinion..to quote grouch marx" so you don't like this opinion, thats ok..i have others~"

** a little note ..a while back i had lost a pet that was very dear to me, so i posted on an ivillage mesage board..i wont go into all the details , but i got a reply from a lady who mentioned that there was a board for EVERYTHING...including "those disgusting people who want someones attention and sympathy for having affairs"...i couldnt help but think...what gives her the right...

we all have our reasons for being in whatever situation ..i ask no one to approve or disapprove...i ask only for understanding that ..sometimes thats just the way things are..

Pages