Wierd .....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Wierd .....
9
Wed, 08-18-2010 - 9:54pm

Hi all


I met with my AP for coffee yesterday (first time in 6 weks due to him going overseas and me having an operation). It was nice, sort of nervous and he gave me my belated bday present (perfume). We talked about work and life etc- nice conversation. We also talked about how busy he is and will be for the next few months.


He understands how frustrated this is making me and he is making an effort to text/call every day (as normal) or send just an x when he is too busy for a proper text or call. He said he cant understand the meaning of the x and I explained that its all about knowing that he is thinking about me- especially as our contact and seeing each other will be less over the next few weeks/months. I asked if he felt that he was too busy for all of this, would he tell me. He said that would be up to me- if I was unhappy I should say so.


Then he said (this is wierd thing No 1) 'Cmon you have to decide if this is enough for you. Is it. Are you happy with this? Cmon. Decide now'. I of course said 'Im staying'. But why the urgent need for a decision. Part of me thinks he wanted to know if I was contemplating ending it. but part of him also is just plain old arrogant and wanted me to acknowledge that I have to 'put up or shut up'.


Wierd thing No 2. While he gave me perfume, you may recall we had to cancel the lovely restaurant that he had booked due to his son being in hospital. He kept saying he'd make it up to me- its the same place he took me too last year. Now I am NOT a shallow person, but I am analysing every nuance of this stupid A!

You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2010
Thu, 08-19-2010 - 7:33am
I think you are right on in
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Thu, 08-19-2010 - 7:33am

I agree about the balance. But will limiting your contact with him truly make you less obsessive? Won't you still analyze everything from the contact you DO have? Won't the fact that the contact is less make you feel like his reactions to what little contact there is be even MORE "meaningful", to be obsessed over even more? I don't know how to break the obsessive thinking. Lower contact might make you less crazy, but it might not. Here's hoping that it helps!

FWIW I think he asked you that question as a "put up or shut up" kinda thing too LOL. He wanted you to commit to it one way or another. He might be feeling like there's a sword over the relationship and he just wants to know.

And I don't think it's shallow of you to think of your birthday pressie that way. It's not really the monetary value of the present that bothers you - it's WHAT IT MEANS LOL... What I want to know is - why didn't he re-book the restaurant instead? He owes you another fancy birthday lunch, I think. You were quite pleased with that present and the fact that it didn't work out should have meant that he would re-book it. That's what I would expect if ANY friend had to cancel something like that. Forget perfume LOL.

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Thu, 08-19-2010 - 7:28pm

Thanks lex


Yes he said he would rebook it but hasnt said anything since. Of course its one of those things that I simply cant raise- it looks shallow dont you think?


I am reading that book 'Why Good People Have Affairs'- bloody fantastic!! I'll share more soon.


Iggyx


You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Thu, 08-19-2010 - 8:37pm

I don't think you're shallow Iggy, not at all !

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Thu, 08-19-2010 - 10:26pm

hahaha oh I stopped scoffing days ago- now I am bathing in chocolate!


Actually Ive put on 2kg since the operation! Lounge, recovery, obsession over AP - all not a great recipe for health :)


Hmm maybe I'll say something about the lunch- but I dont really want it if he has to be reminded - kwim?

You are what you consistently do
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2010
Fri, 08-20-2010 - 12:26am
Hi Iggy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Fri, 08-20-2010 - 3:26am
Wow thank you ISE!
You are what you consistently do
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2007
Fri, 08-20-2010 - 11:48am

Hi again stronger --

I thought I had posted a response to this yesterday but it looks like it didn't go through. Anyway, I thought you might want the man's perspective on this.

First, it was completely wrong for him to put you on the spot like that. Asking you to make such a big decision in a short time was inappropriate. I'm sure some of the decisions he has made in your relationship have taken some time, so it is absolutely not fair for him to ask for an immediate answer.

That being said, it is a question that does need to be answered eventually. I'm a MM in an A with a single woman, and I'll be honest -- I can't help but get a little bit jealous when she is with other guys. We've been up front about our "deal" from the beginning, but I do get concerned that one day she will give me some kind of ultimatum -- e.g., leave your wife to be with me, or I'm gone. Fortunately, she has reassured me that this is exactly what she is looking for right now, and that makes it great for me. You, of course, need to decide for yourself. Striking that balance is hard.

As for the gifts, restaurant, etc., I would not look that much into it. Men are not good at these kinds of things. As a MM, he may feel more comfortable in the same restaurant, knowing you're not going to be seen. It may be getting harder for him to hide more expensive purchases from his wife, hence something less expensive this time. It's cliche, but it is the thought that counts when it comes to gift-giving, especially for men.

I do think your idea to lessen contact with him a bit is a good idea. Don't completely cut him off, but just slow it down. If he is really into you, he will get in touch with you quickly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 7:05am
Hey thanks MBL- that was actually really helpful. Its great to have men on this board!
You are what you consistently do
You are what you consistently do