The WIFE

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2008
The WIFE
30
Sat, 06-05-2010 - 4:18pm

He had had a 5 year affair with an old high school sweetheart (they only met about 2-3 times a year as she lives in a different state). His wife found out about it a few years ago, and he was able to make her believe that it was only an EA. He and his wife have been going to MC since. Just a few months ago wife found out that it was actually a PA. She has been frantic since.

She cries constantly, she is berating and interrogating him day and night, she calls him literally 20 times a day, she demands to see notes from his INDIVIDUAL therapy session (she ordered him to take notes so that she knows what they talk about). She wrote a several page ‘novel’ based on the emails she found/things AP said, listing all the details of the A. She demands to know every single day what sex was like with her, and if it was better than with her etc. She blocked him from the internet completely, and only ‘allows’ him to use a cell phone they share (no use – he has his secret cell to call me from). She demands a password to his work email. She says he ruined her entire life, she hates him, he is deplorable, and that she only stays with him because she is too old to find someone else now. He suggested separation but she refuses. She says she knows that if they separate he will never come back to her. Even their MC said the other day "What is the point in you guys staying together...?"

I ask, does this woman have no pride at all??? Who would do these things? Does she really think that suffocating him like this will make things better?? If something like this happened to me, I would ask for separation, so that he could get a sense of the harsh realities of life without me. And if he comes back, that would mean he really does love me and want to make things work, and if he does not come back, then for the better so I at least know. I am flabbergasted by W's reaction.

At this point he says he really is just waiting for her to kick him out, because he feels bad to be the bad guy. (She is an introvert, no friends, parents dead, only child.. He is an extrovert with more friends and support..)He does admit he is scared to end a 20+ year relationship, however bad, but who would not be? I really think he does want to be discovered, as we go to restaurants, bars (Downtown, not even in secluded places!) all the time and he will hold my hand, kiss me in daylight etc. has no problems with public displays of affection. He even gave me the number to their shared cell-phone, just in case. (Hats off to him by the way, as in spite of the house watch, he calls me about 5 times a day and we meet 3-5 times a week).
Anyways, just wanted to share the story. What do you guys think of is wife’s reaction? Sounds unbelievable to me.




Edited 6/5/2010 7:08 pm ET by calpurnia2008

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2010
In reply to: calpurnia2008
Sat, 06-05-2010 - 5:29pm
I Feel sorry for her. Do you really feel you are better?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2008
In reply to: calpurnia2008
Sat, 06-05-2010 - 5:43pm

I don't think you can compare two people in terms of who is 'better' based on the relationship(s) they chose to participate in, the partners they chose to get involved with, or the way they react to certain difficult situations. I know his wife surely has many strengths and many weaknesses, just as I do. We are two separate people with two different life circumstances.

As Ann Nalick sings: "Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes Like they have any right at all to critisize,
hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason"

I do believe that everyone does their best to survive and ultimately no one is 'better' or 'worse' than the other.

To answer your question: No, I don't believe I am better than her. Neither that I am worse. The point of my story was that I found her reaction interesting, and did not quite see the logic of how she thinks she will win him back by the things she is doing.

I like to widen my perspective by trying to better understand other people's motivation (in this case W) behind actions that I find puzzling or hard to understand. Would recommend it to you as well - people are more complex than 'bad' or 'good', 'black' or 'white' you know. ;-)




Edited 6/5/2010 6:53 pm ET by calpurnia2008
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
In reply to: calpurnia2008
Sat, 06-05-2010 - 5:49pm

Sounds like she's a bit off her rocker, if you ask me!


Having been there myself, I can completely relate to the hurt and betrayal she's felt, but going all psychotic (yes, she sounds psychotic) isn't going to help.

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2010
In reply to: calpurnia2008
Sat, 06-05-2010 - 9:17pm

Hey, I totally get it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
In reply to: calpurnia2008
Sat, 06-05-2010 - 10:44pm
I get the 'I dont want to be the bad guy' thing. But why do these men stay- are they ever going to leave if this behaviour isnt enough to drive them out?
You are what you consistently do
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2010
In reply to: calpurnia2008
Sun, 06-06-2010 - 1:59am

You tell me... I think it's a crap shoot.


I think the guilt molecule in a man's brain is proportionately larger than a woman's.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
In reply to: calpurnia2008
Sun, 06-06-2010 - 7:28am

What I found most interesting in your first post was this sentece:


At this point he says he really is just waiting for her to kick him out, because he feels bad to be the bad guy.


Followed by this sentence in your second post:


I like to widen my perspective by trying to better understand other people's motivation (in this case W) behind actions that I find puzzling or hard to understand.


Instead of trying to analyze his W, have you stopped to ask yourself just what exactly is he doing?

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
In reply to: calpurnia2008
Sun, 06-06-2010 - 8:47am


You know seeing you post here makes me wonder Always .... I, like many women - and men - here, choose to stay in my A and to work with my AP to do my level best to make it work alongside both our M's ...I come here for support in maintaining that choice, so do many others because none of the choices in this situation are easy.

Whilst I appreciate anyone can post here and every opinion gives a worthy perspective ....it does make me wonder ... What response would I get as a woman making the choice to stay in my A if I chipped in with my perspective over at EAS?

Bird

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2008
In reply to: calpurnia2008
Sun, 06-06-2010 - 9:44am

Hi,
I am not 'trying to analyze' the wife, I was just interested in her perspective.

It does make him feel bad that he cheated on her and he feels guilty for seeing me as well.

As I pointed out earlier in one of my responses, nothing is black or white, and problems in a marriage is never 100% one person's fault (for e.g. AP's wife had cheated on him too, right before they got married).

He might, or he might not leave his wife. All of us on this board considers these possibilities before we get involved, that is a given. This is one of those things no one can predict a hundred percent until it actually happens.

However, remember, the whole thing exploded less than 2 months ago, so it is not like he has been bitching about it for years and not doing a thing. He is actively working on it, they have been talking about their options, including how they would divide assets etc. I do not blame him for not throwing away a 20+ year marriage overnight especially given the difficulties with his son etc. Him saying that he wishes she kicked him out, does not mean he will not leave by himself, it just means in an ideal world that would be the easiest for him, guilt-wise.

I support him no matter what. I don't rush him to get a divorce. In fact I am in a difficult situation myself. I have a 3 year old, living in a sexless marriage for over 3 years, we are amicable roommates. My H allowed me to have BF's he just does not want to know about it (he is the one who completely stopped having sex with me, so after a few years he told me that this is unfair to me and he is ok with me seeing other people as long as he does not know about the details). If H and I had the resources and our child was a bit older we would have already gotten a divorce. We put out a time line for ourselves and we will get a divorce in a few years. But for now, we live together as a platonic financial and parenting partnership. I work full time, I do consulting in my spare time, and with starting graduate school this fall, my plate will be even more full, so my life does/will not revolve around whether or not AP will leave his wife and when. My H and I have only been together 5 years (3 sexless) but even then it is very hard to untie our lives, I can not even start to imagine what it must be like for people who have been married longer than that. Even if it is hell, it is about the history, the things you have been through together etc.

Besides our attraction and romantic feelings for each other, AP is also a very very good friend, confidante, someone I can count on, someone I admire for what he does for a living, admire his intelligence, his political views and his view on life in general.. Whatever happens to us, I will always cherish the memories of the time we have spent together, and I hope we will stay connected for life.




Edited 6/6/2010 9:45 am ET by calpurnia2008
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2008
In reply to: calpurnia2008
Sun, 06-06-2010 - 9:58am

Yes I know! What puzzles me is not her understandable anger, hurt, or bitterness, but the suffocating over controlling. I am the type of person who would be worried of 'giving too much of myself' or being too much driving the other person away by pushing myself on them too hard. I just don't get how she is not afraid of doing that.

I mean, if you decide to work things out, sure it is understandable she cries, she is hurt etc. but why berate him constantly, why be obsessed with the affair so much, why control him like that? And to say that I only stay with you because i am too old to find someone else... (how romantic..). I dont think you are ever too old to find someone else, as long as you take good care of yourself. Even if you have not, you can start now.

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