wife found out AGAIN & wants 2meet w/me

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
wife found out AGAIN & wants 2meet w/me
10
Fri, 09-11-2009 - 8:12am

hi,


i really need some advice, help on this one... i am married, 39 & mom of 3 children. he is married w/4 kids. both knew we would both not be leaving our spouses... we started our EMA over 3 years ago. very emotionally involved. we have been each other's best friends and lovers.. life has been wonderful and we have both been happier than we EVER have been...


feb 2008 his W found out & he told her everything. she came to my house with my kids home just to see who i was, she called me & i told her i would not see her husband again. we live in the next town over... she told me that if i did contact her husband in ANY way she would tell MY husband (who knows NOTHING of the EMA) my AP agreed to stop seeing me and him & his W worked on their marriage & life was good... but we even more carefully still continued our EMA. we both decided we couldn't live without seeing each other (we tried, didn't work, we really are connected emotionally) we have been VERY careful...


NOW last week, his W thinks i am 1 1/2 years out of his life... and she comes to his work & finds him emailing me, demands his phone & sure enough.. my text & vm are on it because he just got back to the office and hadn't had a second to delete them... {sigh} she is demanding for AP to set up a meeting face to freakin face with the 3 of us... i really DON'T want to do that.. i love him too much and she will see that in my face.. on the phone maybe i can convince her, but if she sees me in the room with him there is no denying i am hurting and still love him... she wants me to tell her that i am done with him and have no feelings for him. she feels he is protecting me by not having had that meeting yet. its been one week today since she found out..again..


i did tell my AP that i would talk to her on the phone and tell her it is over... but i don't want it to be.. {yes, i am also posting this on the other EAS board... in between today! sorry!} he , my AP told me he wants to not have any contact while this blows over. he wants to close our private yahoo accounts so they are not found and he wants zero contact from me after i talk to his W so he can focus on his family...


i asked him to meet with me on wednesday (9/16) to just sit and talk... just me & him. he told me it will not be a sexual meeting... he doesn't even want to be my friend now. i told him i just want to talk. how do i know that in 2 mos he will want to still talk to me or see me at all. he says in 2 mos he will consider being my 'friend' but will never love me as more... what do i DO??


what do i do with all this? he keeps emailing me telling me his wife wants an answer ASAP.. if i don't she will come here... then i am also screwed... do i just talk to her & not meet him wednesday, do i walk away? i am trying to hold it together to function as wife & mom but hard to stop crying.. this HURTS!!!


please, anyone been in anything like this? what did/what would you do? do i talk to the crazy angry wife? do i just walk away from over 3 years?


any help PLEASE?? i am running out of time.. and can't stop crying...

~ life....

http://nomoreblues.wordpress.com/

Oh just leave me just get out of my head
'Cause I can't ta

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2008
Fri, 09-11-2009 - 8:47am

"he says in 2 mos he will consider being my 'friend' but will never love me as more... what do i DO??"

What CAN you do? He's telling you in pretty clear language what he needs. He wants his wife. He has made his choice. Short of being a stalker, don't you think it's time to let him go?

"do i talk to the crazy angry wife? do i just walk away from over 3 years?"

Ya know, she's his WIFE. Crazy? I don't think that's fair. She was under the impression that her husband AND you were living up to what you both said you would do....end it. And now, a year and a half later she finds out it continued all this time. If she's "crazy" you have both given her reason to be.

As far as walking away "from over 3 years?", well HE has answered that question.

I'm sorry you are hurting; but you both entered into this acknowledging that you would not leave your spouses. What did you think would happen? You already had one D-day.

I know you're hurting...you love him. But sometimes....you just can't be together. Please try to grasp that he has made his choice.
Don't second guess it. Accept it.

I was over five years with my MM. Loved/love him dearly and he me.
It just can't work. I know your pain.

No contact IS. THE. BEST.
Concentrate on your children if you can't concentrate on your husband yet....which is pretty likely. You can't bring a third party into a marriage and expect dynamics not to change.

As far as meeting with the wife....well, I probably would. But that's just me. I think I would.

Take care of yourself. Try to accept what he's asking....telling you.

I'm really sorry you are hurting. But I'm also very sorry for his wife.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2009
Fri, 09-11-2009 - 8:55am

He is telling you exactly what he wants and you are not listening. He WANTS to work things out with her, he DOES NOT want you to contact him and it will be up to him whether you are friends after this blows over (thats nice huh?)and he will NOT love you more than a friend ever.
I strongly suggest you do as he wishes unless you want his W and 4 kids appearing at your doorstep. Imagine contending with a DD in your house too!

Im sure you will get better advice from women here that have dealt with this exact issue as i have not, but i would think that NC should be your only option right now.

SB

Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.
Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Fri, 09-11-2009 - 10:11am

I'm sorry you are hurting but think about someone else for once. Think about how bad his W is hurting. She was duped twice by you and her H. I am willing to bet you at this point she is telling him that she doesn't want to share her H and if the you and her H are so in love you two need to stop playing with your spouse's feelings and just be together. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but the man is M and he has told you as nice as he could that he is choosing his W and his M. If you continue to ask him to meet with him and he eventually gets caught and looses his family and W because of you he will resent you, believe me. It is not healthy for you to continue this fantasy because he has already told you that he loves and wants to be with his W. Going further underground and restarting your A in the long run will be even more painful for you in the long run. I see a very bad ending for you if you continue to beg him to meet with you. Unless you are ready to have another awful D-Day where your H and kids find out about your extra curricular activities I strongly suggest working on your M or getting out of a M where you feel the need to seek out another partner.


You are playing with fire. Respect his wishes and think about someone besides yourself in this. Sounds like you have had a great ride with MM but he is trying to do the right thing and that is be honest and true to the one he loves. Wouldn't you want that for yourself, a man who is committed to making your M work.


If you don't meet with his W she is not going to let up. Women are very intuitive and once scorn we can be awful creatures. She's not crazy, she is upset that she is being played and her H is making decisions about their M without her consent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Fri, 09-11-2009 - 12:35pm

if his thoughts are to hide everything until 'this blows over', then


it sounds to me like he also needs address what his intent is


'after things blow over'


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2009
Fri, 09-11-2009 - 12:57pm

I agree with what the other posters have

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 09-11-2009 - 1:06pm

Have you turned this around in your head yet? What if You were the wife and your dh was having a very emotional, long term affair with this other woman? What if they both swore it was over and you believed them and trusted them, and they never ended it? What if you found out that all that time that he said he was with Joe late after work, he was with this other woman. How would you feel? What would you do? This is what his wife is living with. It's a sheer hell, I'm sure.


so, if I was you (but I'm not) I would agree to meet with her. Tell her that it's over, that you are so sorry to have hurt her. Then, close those joint accounts, change your phone number, change your email. Make yourself completely unavailable to you. Then, get so busy with something else. Let this pain drive you on to do other things, good things. Focus on your

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2009
Fri, 09-11-2009 - 1:38pm

Life,


she wants me to tell her that i am done with him and have no feelings for him. she feels he is protecting me by not having had that meeting yet

I'm reading two very different issues in this sentence: 1) she wants to know if you are still going to pursue the relationship and 2) maybe he told her it's over but she doesn't believe he really delivered that message. She understandably wants to know what exactly she's dealing with.


Something like this happened to me. My xAP lied to his W. after DDay. He told her it was over and he was committed to rebuilding--but he never told me that. In fact, he had no intention of ending it from what I could tell.


So

Don't hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love.       ~Anonymous
 &nb

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2009
Fri, 09-11-2009 - 1:54pm

It is not healthy for you to continue this fantasy because he has already told you that he loves and wants to be with his W.

Myrasfriend,


I saw things a little differently in Life's post. What I see in her xAP is a scared fence sitter who was caught red handed and is trying to minimize the damage--and maybe make her take a bigger share of the blame than she deserves.


By getting his W. to focus on her, the W. isn't focusing as much on HIM. Then maybe she'll *believe* he's really going to end it this time. I had one of these

Don't hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love.       ~Anonymous
 &nb

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
Fri, 09-11-2009 - 1:56pm

id change? .. huh? i did n't know you could do that...


but to what? life was good? nah, life will get good again... LOL


but anyway, i did call his wife today in hopes to end this today.. she still wants to meet. telling my H is so not an option. we have 3 children together and i feel enough lives have been negatively affected already... i just want to get strong, end this, start NC, i just have to get past this as does everyone involved..

~ life....

http://nomoreblues.wordpress.com/

Oh just leave me just get out of my head
'Cause I can't ta

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2009
Fri, 09-11-2009 - 2:16pm

That took a lot of courage to call her. But I hope if you decide to meet, you do it because you also want to

Don't hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love.       ~Anonymous
 &nb