Wife is gone because of affair now what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2003
Wife is gone because of affair now what?
8
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 2:12am
Hi all, new to this board so bear with me while I go through my stuipdity in the last few months. Three month ago I had an affair with another woman. The affair started while my wife and I were on a "trial" separation. Guess that I failed the trial separation. When we originally decided for us to separate for awhile we bought the plane tickets and I drove them to the airport dropped them off and went home. Not really thinking about it or it really bothering me. I have two children 4 and 2 and a half. I was a little upset about it. Well, they came back and wife found out that I had an affair and now I can't handle all of my emotions right now. I'm active duty military living overseas and the military has moved them back to the states (it took 3 months for the paperwork to be finished). During that time it looks like my wife had finally "woke" up when it came to the problems in the marriage but my mind was so set on a divorce that I didn't see what she was trying to do. Yesterday the military paid for three plane tickets one way to permanently move them back to where home is. And my question is, why have I been constantly crying since I left the airport this time but not the last time? Is it because this time they really are gone? But I thought this is what I wanted for like three months? Why do I absolutly wish that they haven't gone? Do I miss the routines of being a dad even though sometimes I absolutly hated it? Or is that just raising kids, the yelling at them when they do bad stuff? Do I miss comign home to a house of wife and kids? Why do I feel this way? Was my situation all THAT bad that an affair was necessary thus pushing away EVERYTHING that I had known in the last 5 years? Kinda sucks really
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2003
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 2:24am
Dad,

Sorry your going through so much right now. Maybe your sadness is because of the prementness of the situation. That they are gone for while for good unitl you go back home. It is hard when the other spouse finds out about the A and then it feels like the A was stupid and for no reason. But there was a reason, whatever that reason was for.

I keep trying to figure out what my reason is for having an A. My H is a wonderful man,father,provider,etc and here I am having a A with an old boyfriend. I've been M for 15 years and at times I don't care to throw it away, but at other times I know I will horribly sad when/or if faced with the ending of my M. It is something that I'm taking for granted, maybe you were too and now realize that it is gone.

You have time to repair things, talk to your W , if you really want to patch things up. Or are you doing it out of lonliness and fear?

I hope you find what it is you want or need and can make a decision one way or another. I know it won' t be easy, especially with you over seas and them home ...but maybe the time away will make your W realize that you made a mistake and she wants to stay with you. Good luck & hugs. I know that things suck sometimes but we can rise above.

wishing~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 2:48am
From a mom's perspective and someone who is the OW

Marriage or any relationship for that matter, is constant work. Sometimes working, coming home to household responsibility, the demands of parenting, etc. can be overwhelming. Sometimes the day to day things consume so much of us that we lose ourselves, thereby losing the connection that we have with our significant other and there is nothing worse than being married (or in a relationship)and feeling lonely, because the one person we need to talk to is the same person we have the issues with, so it makes communication difficult and we repress our feelings. Eventually, no one talks about the elephant in the room, it is still there but we ignore it. Then we start turning to outside sources to fulfill what is missing, whether that be friends or affairs.

What was your motivation in having an affair? Was it a one time thing, or has it continued?

Ask yourself what exactly it is that you are upset about. Is it that you really miss the "family unit"? Is it the failure of the relationship with your W?

When my H and I separated, I cried over the fact that the relationship failed, that "I" could not make it work despite the effort I had put into it. I wasn't upset about divorcing my H but the fact that I was going through a D. I am somewhat of a controlling person. I grieved over the loss of the idea of what I thought we should have had, and what the children should have had. My grief revolved around the concept - not my H.

The first time your W and kids left, it was with the expectation that they would return, perhaps that is why you were not as upset. It was an escape from the everyday for you with the security that it would return. This time, there is no guarantee of the outcome, so your future is uncertain. This can be unnerving.

An affair is the symtom of a greater underlying problem. Is this problem repairable? Is the M worth saving to you? What is it that you want from a relationship and can your

W fulfill those needs? Did she ever?

Do you miss your W and kids, or do you just miss the comfort and security of knowing that they would be there when you came home?

I know it seems that I have asked more questions rather than given you answers, but by answering some of these, perhaps you will find your answer.

saatty



iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2003
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 3:06am
Saatty,

I'm not really sure if it's the comfort of the family unit or not. Both of us have had problems in the marraige i'm not going to take 100% of the blame here. I believe that everything is solvable in a marriage just the two people wish to fix the problems. The affair is a one time thing and has since ended the OW is nine years older than me with a seven year old child and I think was expecting me to divorce current wife and turn around and marry her instead. At think point I'm not sure what I really want tho and that's my problem. Now that they are gone...now whaT? What do I do now? There are no kids to take care of, no wife to argue and fight with, just me and my cat. I'm sitting here looking at the kids toys and just thinking like that they should be here.

My wife left a letter on my computer before I took her to the airport and it basically says not to contact her unless it was legal matters only and to talk to the children. And she wouldn't even answer the phone. I think this is what is almost hurting the most is that she doesn't even want to talk to me right now. Does this mean that I do still care for her and just don't realize it? I'm not sure what I'm feeling but then it's only been 24 hours since she left.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 11:08am
Have you gone to individual counseling? If you haven't, perhaps you should start now. You are correct in that every marriage has problems and that no one is 100% responsible. It takes two people equally committed to make it work, one person can't carry that burden - not for long anyway. There will always be doubts when a relationship ends, you will often second guess yourself and what you did or did not do.

Every person has fundamental NEEDS that can not be compromised, not desires but real true needs. For example, for me one of my FN is respect. The person I decide to get involved with has to respect me, another is the person must have a passion for life. My desires are that they squeeze the toothpaste from the end and not the middle. Desires are can be compromised (i.e. a his and hers tube of toothpaste or get Mentadent). Did your W fulfill these needs? Did she at one time? Is she capable of fulfilling them? If she is/was incapable of fulfilling your needs, then yes you do just miss the comfort of being part of a union. There is no doubt that you miss your kids, which compounds your confusion.

This is just my opinion, but when your wife left the first time you felt liberated and the single life looked very appealing and you acted probably impulsivly by having the A. By the way, how did W find out? If you find that you do still love your W and want to try to reconcile, start working on it from your end, give her a little time to get over the shock, hurt, grief, then let her know that you are working on fixing whatever problems the two of you had. (i.e. counseling). Then see where it goes. By doing this you will discover your true feelings for W, and if she does not want to give it another try, you will know you did everything you could.

You will always love W in some sense as she is the mother of your children and the two of you have a history.

Keep us updated - your are going through a very difficult time your feelings are raw and you should not do anything impulsive at this time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2003
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 4:25pm
Just as your log on says, ...you miss your kids..and the life , maybe not your wife that much....give this some time...until yu are clearer on your thoughts about what you really want... I hope you are not resentful or blaming the women you had the affair with ....not quite sure why you choose this board? but welcome anyhow.....maybe could I suggest the support betrayed spousal support group?................Best of luck to you
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2003
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 4:43pm
You might want to post on marriagebuilders.com. They have great support for people on both sides of the affair helping to sort out your feelings. They are wonderful over there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2003
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 9:53pm
OK, scratch that betrayed spousal group,. sorry misread something there.

Like Jean said, marriagebuilders.com, sound great, best of luck to you.

Guess I just was not sure were you would stand towards the other women

and like I siad I hope you have no resentment towards her and what happened

to your marriage?

Isn;t this all of our single OW biggest fear, he ends up resenting you and

rebuilds his marriage and lives happily ever after, while you are left out

in the cold?...ever longing for his love and return?AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Hugs, to everyone ......buttercup
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 10:40pm
Hi DAD!!!! I can certainly relate to your emotions and confusion right now!

Raising young children can be a joy for some and a pain in the "you know what" for others!!!

Have you really assessed the situation, and figured out WHAT the real problem is???

Was it the kids, the wife? BOTH???

When my children were young like yours....I had an affair, too.

It was an escape from all the chaos...the sticky walls, the carrying on, the toys all over the place...I was going out of my mind!

MY EX used to go to the bar to drink to get away from it all.

I had an affair.

We all need our escapes....especially from parenting young children!

That is the HARDEST JOB IN THE WORLD!!! and it WEARS YOU DOWN!!!!!

Little kids require ALMOST constant attention....and it can suck a marriage dry...because there is very little time and attention left for the COUPLE to enjoy each other like they once did!!! and you end up getting on each OTHERS nerves because of the kids!!!

I have been in your shoes...I KNOW what you are going through!!

I bet if you only had to deal with the wife and kids 1/2 the week, and the other part of the week....you could have peace and quiet..you might find a happy medium.

I don't think you want to be alone....or to be with anyone else.

You want your family!! BUT....at this stage..it's all too much for you to handle!

Please try to be patient! Kids grow up SO FAST....and they will soon be out of this annoying toddlerhood stage, and into a phase that will be much more enjoyable for you and will give you and your wife more "downtime" together!!!! What you two need is a REGULAR babysitter who will pick up some of the slack. Does the idea of farming the kids out for a romantic weekend with your wife sound at all appealing to you??? What if you could do it EVERY Weekend??? even better????

If the idea of spending time alone with your wife doesn't excite you....maybe IT IS YOUR WIFE that you are unhappy with, and you really DO want a divorce! I don't know!! Just trying to help you figure out what is at the root of your discontent!!!

I wish you well...and pray that you find happiness!!!

Blue :)