WIFE IS PREGNANT- need advise

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2003
WIFE IS PREGNANT- need advise
6
Sat, 09-06-2003 - 5:14pm
Hello everyone,

i could use some input on how to deal with this.

MM and I are together for 2 years, I know he will not leave home...lots of reasons, I know I know ifI say he is staying out of finances, out of it being the right thing to do go continue to be a great provider and he is truly one of the superdads otu there, telling you that he works 12 hours a day , does the whole household, and i mean from scrubbing bathtubs etc...he thinks this is his easy way out of trouble with her. if it would nto be for the child they already have he would not be there...and like I said I know this sounds so much like oh yeah right...we know the w. has her suspicions about us and found my hair in his car etc...nothign to concrete however, but if she has any gut feeling she knows...she did not work for the longest and well long story made short how easy is it for us women to become pregnant how much say do the man really have. however being pregnant is surely the best way of making sure he is not going anywhere, right? So here I am having a hard time with dealing with it..staying in it now seem so wrong...but my girlfriend say...well he was not leaving her anyway, new baby coming of not...what makes the difference....???....and it si not that I was sitting her ( I am single) and were waiting for him to leave her one day...hoping for what if , of course, but I was realistic about it...but I wonder with being the superdad and provider he already is what turmoil the baby will bring him to...emotionally, out of guilt for seeing me..

so i am pretty much scared.

Was anyoen in this situation before.....

Thanks everyone.....Me



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2003
Sun, 09-07-2003 - 3:25pm
I worry about that in my A. Been in it for 3 years and he has 2 young children. The smallest is in preschool. So I get scared thinking maybe she'll think she should get pg again. I haven't discussed it with him. I guess I should. But, I've tried to be brave and think ahead for myself and thought that would be the deal breaker (yeah right!). But then, that's the bad thing. We never know till we are in that situation.

I'm sorry I wasn't any help.It's just reading your post made me think about it again. Just wanted to say though, hang in there. Don't let her get you down.

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-07-2003 - 4:41pm
Buttercup,

What is it exactly that you are afraid of? That he will end the EMA, or that your R w/MM will never be more than an EMA? I am not clear from your post which is your concern.

Frankly, in either case I see the situation as being out of your hands. It sounds like he was pretty clear, even prior to the pregnancy, that he was not leaving his W. So having another baby doesn't make it harder... it makes no change at all. His plan all along was to stay w/W and keep his family with her together. Whether the pregnancy creates added guilt for MM... only he can say. You can't control that, nor how he will choose to react to it.

I'm not trying to sound unsupportive. I just mean that you're worrying about a situation that in many ways has nothing to do with you. You have nothing to do w/his R with his W, with her pregnancy, or his superdad status. The best you can do for you is focus on what you *can* control, and on what you want. Do you know what you want from him? Is the EMA enough? If it's not enough, then you need to take steps to get the kind of R you want, but not from MM. He's already clear on what he's willing to give you, and what he is not. You need to take care of yourself.

Good luck.

lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Sun, 09-07-2003 - 6:49pm
Hi Me,

I think a lot of what lily said is very good advice to you... but I have a feeling that what you were looking for is how for you to cope with this impending new arrival and how it will effect your relationship with MM... tell me whether I'm right or wrong.

I've been in my EMA now for over 3 years and have pretty much been through a similar situation... and I've also been on the reverse side of things and been the one who has been pregnant.

What I can tell you... is that your MM will more than likely go through an emotional uphevel... he already has one child, which as you say loves dearly... and no matter how much he does or doesn't want another child at this stage... he will want that child when it's born.

However... this doesn't really mean things will change for you and him either... he may need to find his own space for a bit to be able to deal with it... men are like that... so don't feel too bad when he does.

MM and I have always been able to talk about pretty much anything and everything... but with the pregnancy... I let him come to me... I told him I was there for him whenever he needed to talk things through, but I never brought it up. Even when the baby was due... I simply asked him to let him know that all was ok... and then as hard as it was... I sat back and waited for him to come back to me. He went through so much dealing with this baby as he did not want it... I knew that things would be different when she was born. That baby is now almost 3 and he loves her so much.

Now! what I think you both must decide is whether you both still want your relationship to continue... he may want to end it... but I feel this may be a time that he may meed you most... but what matters the most is... is this want you want??? knowing that what you have with him now... is all you will even have. If that is what you want... then trust me... given allowances... you can work through this and your relationship will survive... it may even make it stronger.

I hope I've helped you a little...

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Sun, 09-07-2003 - 8:37pm
I've been there done that. The MM I was seeing had one child and really never said one way or not if he could ever leave. Well she wanted another kid, even though they didn't get along at all and she basically acted as if she hated his guts. Plus I don't really believe for a minute that she didn't suspect me being involved with him because people were always telling her that we were. But she chose to ignore it. Anyhow he comes to me one day and informs me that she's pregnant. I started to bawl. I couldn't not believe it. I broke it off with him, but that only lasted a few days. I went on seeing him through her whole pregnancy. I even sent them a baby basket when the baby was born. It said it was from the people we work with. But after the baby came along and I realized that he couldn't ever leave now, I told him it was over. He begged and told me he'd go and tell her right then and there. I said no, don't do it for me. If you don't want to be there it's up to you, but I won't be here waiting for you. I told him if he wanted to stay with his family that was fine, but that I needed to end it and let him totally be there. Well a few days later, he told her about us and then left. He showed up at my house drunk and acting like an idiot. She called my house, her friends called and left me mean and deserving messages. I barely saw him now that he had left, less then before, and when I did he was drunk. I couldn't handle all of the comments and all of the drunk visits. I saw him in a new light. I broke it off and the next day he was back home with her! He lied and told me that he left because he wanted to, not because of me, but that was not true at all. I am glad to this day that I cut it off, he never would have been happy with me. And I found out that I could never have been happy with him. He's a drunk and who wants that. Plus I found the love of my life with someone else. Anyhow, you can't help who you fall in love with, but be sure he's worth hanging on to. It's not just up to us women if we get pregnant. If he hadn't wanted another child, for whatever reason, then he should have used protection. Don't let him fool you into thinking that it just happened. He knew there was that chance and he did nothing to prevent it. I think if the man never intends to leave then what's the point? Don't you want to be able to go where you please? To take him around your family, to have a family of your own? I understand that it just happened, but if he never wants to be with just you, for whatever the reason, then I would move on. You'll cause yourself nothing but pain. Even if he's just staying for the kids, even if that's the "right" thing to do. I couldn't sit around again, no way. Too many painful nights, lonely nights. I don't agree that you should stay with a person for the kids sake. Kids are better off with two parents that get along, then two parents that are making each other crazy. Kids sense this stuff and it doesn't make it better to have them together and making everyone in the family miserable. I hope you get through this alright, I know your confusion, I felt it all too much. Tell him, maybe, that you feel that you should let him alone to be with his family 100%. That you know he never wanted to leave and that you just can't put yourself through this, knowing that you'll never be with him. So you are letting him give 100% to them, since that's where he wants to stay. Maybe he'll leave, maybe not, but set yourself free from the waiting or the just pure torture of hearing about their family togetherness.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Sun, 09-07-2003 - 11:29pm
I told MM the other day that I know me being in the picture makes it way easier for him to stay with his W. He can have a horrible marriage, bad sex with his W, huge arguments and then come to be for fun, great sex and great company. 1 because we're not together 24-7 so we appreciate each other and 2 because we are great friends and want to be friends no matter what even if we end up FWOB! He can stay with his W and see his kids everyday and not go through the head ache of a D, and have us.. the women who sometimes get his nights.. but never get his mornings. =(

These men do... have what most men envy and want... they have their cake.. and eat it too!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 1:18pm
I met my MM when W was pregnant we started out as friends then it became more. I thought at first ok maybe just sexual since his W prolly not in the mood. I kept throwing that at him...and he was like NO its not like that you are more then that. He said they hardly had sex and there were problems even before the baby and he was ready to leave and she begged him to stay. She got off the pills wham got pregnant a month later...anyhow I thought things would change I was so scared he gauranteed me they would not. When he called me that day and told me he was in the hospital she had had a baby girl...I cried and freaked out on him...it hurt alot...I was in pain...Im like im sorry CONGRATS...I said this is wrong of me...im sorry. Later that night when the baby was put up he left her at the hospital with her mother and came to my house and held me all night...thats when I realized things would not change and it was more then that. Im still with him now things have not changed except they have gotten uglier at his house since he told his W he wanted a divorce now she calls me and tells me to back away I tried but its not easy. Im there now...how long I dont know. Will he get a divorce dont know.

Well im sorry I dont know if I gave u much advice but things should not change if you dont want more of him then what you have now things should not change. Ask him?? What does he say??? I did. I WISH YOU THE BEST hugs - Sany