I am in an A and we are both M. We were caught...cooled our heels a bit and are now back on.
Now that you have the background explaining why I come here, sometimes just the act of writing the letter is healing enough. I was molested by my father for several years growing up. He apologized on his deathbed. I forgave him. I wrote a letter and put it in his jacket pocket before they closed the casket. No one will ever read that letter, but it helped me to heal immensely.
I cannot say what is best for your situation. Just sharing my experience.
For one thing, if I had been the OW in this picture and things have now ended and I've gone on with my life - probably regretting my actions and the part I played in hurting your wife (and anyone else) - and then all of a sudden the wife contacts me - I would be PISSED at you for telling her who I am.
hi, you dont mention if your ap was Married, with children etc. My instant thought is why pull your ap back into something that has been long over with. But then thinking about it from your W point of view, i presume she would need closure. Maybe try and talk to her about why she would like contact with the ow and if its really what she needs to get the marriage back on track. I think what needs to be considered is that maybe she wants to hear from ap side of story, after all and no offence to yourself but in your wife's eyes if you could lie and decieve to have a affair then may she be questioning what your having to say now, as a great trust has been broken and regaining that trust does not come easy.
You must do what is necesary to make your marriage work and to put your wives mind at peace, if that is what you want. It wont be easy and especially has you dont have contact with ap no more.
If that was me and my H partner contacted me then i wouldnt lay blame on the other women, but out of curiosity i would like to know or see for myself what the ow had that i didnt that would make my H stray. Even though most of the time i would know it wouldnt necessarily be visible to the eye. This is also something thats important in my opinion, in talking about and making your W understand why you had that need in the first place.
no, what would be your point in doing this? you are creating a recipe for disaster..and again if you do this what are you or your wife trying to prove to the OW? seriously ask yourself these questions...please...it is not a good idea...your wife would only be hurting herself...because she very well may find out some things that she does not want to hear....
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
"If that was me and my H partner contacted me then i wouldnt lay blame on the other women, but out of curiosity i would like to know or see for myself what the ow had that i didnt that would make my H stray. Even though most of the time i would know it wouldnt necessarily be visible to the eye. This is also something thats important in my opinion, in talking about and making your W understand why you had that need in the first place."
in my opinion the above statement is ridiculous...normally when someone slips out on their spouse it's not what the other person has that makes the spouse stray..you say it like the Other person is all at fault...the husband/wife/betrayer is the one most times that has something on the inside of them that they need to feel...it doesn't necessarily mean there was something wrong with the spouse..or the spouse was lacking something....the posters wife needs to move forward and contacting the ow is only going to keep her in the desperation of finding out about the affair...if i was the poster i would leave the OW alone...he could easily draw her and himself back into the affair..you guys all know how that contact thing goes....i mean come on....and not only would i question what the wife is trying to prove..i would question what the poster would prove by giving the OW info to the spouse...i mean does he really want to keep in some sort of contact with the OW...i looking from the outside in would assume so....again i say...he has to be careful because sometimes men say things they absolutely mean, about their wives or situations etc, then they forget how they were feeling that day or what they said...and trust know and believe that OW remembers...so he needs to be very careful because the Wife may find out a lot of information that will hurt her feelings, her husbands integrity more than the affair and a lot of other things about herself...
my XAP doesn't realize this but on occasion her would mention small things about his relationship/marriage and wife that could be construed as damaging...although he never spoke bad about her ....but, if she were to find out about us..and contact me i'm sure she wouldn't want to know how excited he used to be to see me in certain things i wear...or how he likes my hair or that i fix myself up everyday...or how i keep my body..or the fact that i actually like to have SE* with him...you get me....or how quickly he is turned on by me and with (someone else) it takes a while to get revved up.... so all this is nonsense to me...LEAVE THE OW alone
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
I think you have totally misunderstood my intent. Or maybe its the way ive worded it. But under no circumstance would i ever blame the other women. I was simply trying to see it from the W point of view. Reasons why people have affairs are numerous, majority of the time its usually because our partners, H, W etc. dont fill any one need or numerous needs within us, so therefore its within us and noone else of why we seek what we do. I would never place blame on WIFE, HUSBAND, OW, OM, its all about us.
I think in this case, it is best to let it go. If the W was in contact with OW, I think it would be nothing but trouble. If I was in her boat and have moved on, I would not want a revisit from the past.
i understand..iwould just find it very very strange if his w tried to contact me..my first response would be, i don't get involved in marital disputes and if you are having issues with your husband or you have trust issues with him and his fidelity then, perhaps the two of you should talk about it and discuss your homelife issues amongst yourself.....i would never reveal a thing..i wouldn't deny but i wouldn't spill the beans...
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
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Hi Wild,
I am in an A and we are both M. We were caught...cooled our heels a bit and are now back on.
Now that you have the background explaining why I come here, sometimes just the act of writing the letter is healing enough. I was molested by my father for several years growing up. He apologized on his deathbed. I forgave him. I wrote a letter and put it in his jacket pocket before they closed the casket. No one will ever read that letter, but it helped me to heal immensely.
I cannot say what is best for your situation. Just sharing my experience.
I don't think this is a good idea at all.
For one thing, if I had been the OW in this picture and things have now ended and I've gone on with my life - probably regretting my actions and the part I played in hurting your wife (and anyone else) - and then all of a sudden the wife contacts me - I would be PISSED at you for telling her who I am.
hi, you dont mention if your ap was Married, with children etc. My instant thought is why pull your ap back into something that has been long over with. But then thinking about it from your W point of view, i presume she would need closure. Maybe try and talk to her about why she would like contact with the ow and if its really what she needs to get the marriage back on track. I think what needs to be considered is that maybe she wants to hear from ap side of story, after all and no offence to yourself but in your wife's eyes if you could lie and decieve to have a affair then may she be questioning what your having to say now, as a great trust has been broken and regaining that trust does not come easy.
You must do what is necesary to make your marriage work and to put your wives mind at peace, if that is what you want. It wont be easy and especially has you dont have contact with ap no more.
If that was me and my H partner contacted me then i wouldnt lay blame on the other women, but out of curiosity i would like to know or see for myself what the ow had that i didnt that would make my H stray. Even though most of the time i would know it wouldnt necessarily be visible to the eye. This is also something thats important in my opinion, in talking about and making your W understand why you had that need in the first place.
take care and i hope it works out well for you
SS
"be yourself, disguise not, for your a truly unique beautiful being"
Hi Wild,
I'm not the OW but I'm going to jump in here anyway.
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
"If that was me and my H partner contacted me then i wouldnt lay blame on the other women, but out of curiosity i would like to know or see for myself what the ow had that i didnt that would make my H stray. Even though most of the time i would know it wouldnt necessarily be visible to the eye. This is also something thats important in my opinion, in talking about and making your W understand why you had that need in the first place."
in my opinion the above statement is ridiculous...normally when someone slips out on their spouse it's not what the other person has that makes the spouse stray..you say it like the Other person is all at fault...the husband/wife/betrayer is the one most times that has something on the inside of them that they need to feel...it doesn't necessarily mean there was something wrong with the spouse..or the spouse was lacking something....the posters wife needs to move forward and contacting the ow is only going to keep her in the desperation of finding out about the affair...if i was the poster i would leave the OW alone...he could easily draw her and himself back into the affair..you guys all know how that contact thing goes....i mean come on....and not only would i question what the wife is trying to prove..i would question what the poster would prove by giving the OW info to the spouse...i mean does he really want to keep in some sort of contact with the OW...i looking from the outside in would assume so....again i say...he has to be careful because sometimes men say things they absolutely mean, about their wives or situations etc, then they forget how they were feeling that day or what they said...and trust know and believe that OW remembers...so he needs to be very careful because the Wife may find out a lot of information that will hurt her feelings, her husbands integrity more than the affair and a lot of other things about herself...
my XAP doesn't realize this but on occasion her would mention small things about his relationship/marriage and wife that could be construed as damaging...although he never spoke bad about her ....but, if she were to find out about us..and contact me i'm sure she wouldn't want to know how excited he used to be to see me in certain things i wear...or how he likes my hair or that i fix myself up everyday...or how i keep my body..or the fact that i actually like to have SE* with him...you get me....or how quickly he is turned on by me and with (someone else) it takes a while to get revved up.... so all this is nonsense to me...LEAVE THE OW alone
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
Hi Tyger
I think you have totally misunderstood my intent. Or maybe its the way ive worded it. But under no circumstance would i ever blame the other women. I was simply trying to see it from the W point of view. Reasons why people have affairs are numerous, majority of the time its usually because our partners, H, W etc. dont fill any one need or numerous needs within us, so therefore its within us and noone else of why we seek what we do. I would never place blame on WIFE, HUSBAND, OW, OM, its all about us.
"be yourself, disguise not, for your a truly unique beautiful being"
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
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