wife wants contact with OW

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2009
wife wants contact with OW
75
Wed, 03-11-2009 - 2:47am
Hi, I'm new here and am amazed to have found this board. Have a question for

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2008
Fri, 03-13-2009 - 12:03am
If you go to the EAS or AAS board, you can post the question there and you could get the same answers. I know of someone that the wife contacted the OW. It turned out to be quite ugly. I was reading the responses here and you have been given some great advice. If I was your exAP, I would not want to hear from either of you if this much time has passed on. I hope your W and yourself have some peace now;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2009
Fri, 03-13-2009 - 12:03am

You have some nerve to talk about this affair like it is normal.


First, yes, let your wife know who this woman is. You own her that much. If she decides to talk to this woman in person, email or other method, that is her choice. You on the other hand should be a man and make a decision on who you love and want to be with. Personally, i would never take you back but if your wife wants u back, well, then that is he choice. You can't have two lovers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Fri, 03-13-2009 - 12:12am

Look, if the OW in your lives are gone for a year and hasn't been bugging any of you. It's not right for you or your W to go bugging her now. I see YOU (mr. wild) as the problem, not the OW. We don't care to hear you come here saying derogatory stuff about the OW just because your W forgave your cheating azz.

Okay already!!! We get it!!! You love your W (woop-ti-dooo!) and wishing you all good luck especially in this twilight times of your lives. But I have to draw the line in being just intentionally cruel to people. So, leave the OW alone already! You've done enough damaged to her life with your lies.

BTW? I'm not an OW, I'm a WS.

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"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2008
Fri, 03-13-2009 - 4:20am

hi, well all id like to say is as you stated we all make mistakes, we all should (not always) learn from them. But mostly i cant judge what is between your W and yourself. I for one am glad that your trying to make ammends, you have realised the errors of your ways and your working your way through it together with your wife.


You must realise a lot of women here are or have been the OW, maybe their comments and understanding of the situation comes from them seeing how much it would effect them. Their are also women here that have have known or themselves been contacted and by a betrayed spouse and as you have read things turn nasty.


Although i think overall leave the ow alone, the most important person in all of this right now is your wife. She is innocent one in all this, not laying blame on other women and your actions were purely your own, but as you stated the other women knew from onset that it was just about sex, no love lost between you. Their are many also on here that vow their A are fwb only so if thats the case with you and ex ap then noone can judge that.


Its a long time since the A has been over, but this goes to show that its still plaguing your W. So as another poster said your loyalty should lie with your wife, for its her with whom you are trying to rebuild your trust and marriage. Not saying not to consider OW but as ive stated before for your relationship to go forward then really its about what your wife feels that she also needs to do for that to happen. Noone can decide that but herself, we dont know your wife so cant make presumptions on what is seen as right or wrong thing to do.


Your ap knew she was getting involved with a MM, as we all do on here and sometimes we have to pay a price for our actions. But i think this most lie solely with your wife and yourself and whatever needs to be done get done.


People can make mistakes, people can have times of weaknesses, i guess its one of them where 'he who ...... cast the first stone. So i wish you luck and im happy you have realised that you have a great women thats willing to forgive but may be having difficulty in forgetting.


Answer her questions honestly and do what you can to help her gain that trust. Whatever your wife decides to do, then be prepared for the consequences good or bad. Your ap and yourself were both aware of what you was doing (as do many of us), but your wife never had a say in it. So do what you both think needs to be done to move forward. Dont let it eat away at your relationship simply for fear of following a path that our mind and heart tell us to follow.


Good luck


and yes i realise il probably get shot for what is after all my Honest opinion


SS

"be yourself, disguise not, for your a truly unique beautiful being"


"be yourself, disguise not, for your a truly unique beautiful being"


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Fri, 03-13-2009 - 8:49am

sweetie you did not only catch her lying.you caught your husband lying too..now as a BS..you might feel compelled to blame it on the OW...but, you don't know what your husband was feeding her..you only know what he TOLD you...he was probably in love with this woman...i mean that's the reality of the situation..there is nothing written that says once you get married the W is the best out there for you and the greatest...there's only something that says, be committed and loyal..again not that the W is the best and the greatest for the Husband or that the Husband is the best and greatest for the wife...feel me....seems to me like you can empathize with wild..so can I but also, I was the OW...in my unique situation I still feel somewhat sad over the A and me ending it but, I do know what my MM has told me showed me and brought to me...that was love understanding kindness consideration, which is something i never felt before...and that love and inloveness is still there...and it's mutual..it will never go away...although i decided to do the right thing for me and him.....


what i'm saying is..don't blame it all on the OW/OM..your husband and wild had the biggest part of responsibility in this....maybe i'm just giving you my take on it...i know that exMM

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Fri, 03-13-2009 - 1:41pm

I am a lurker on this board but to me there seems to be a double standard when it comes to men. When men post and say that their M to their W is better after an A the women on this board attack him, while women post and indicate that they have a better M and they are encouraged.


The poster indicated that he loves his W and always has even though he had an A. Men are so much better at having a little extra on the side and loving their W at home than women. It has been proven time and time again that men can be perfectly happy at home and still have an A while most women

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2009
Fri, 03-13-2009 - 2:04pm
I think you have a lot of issues to deal with yourelf judging by the number of times you have commented on this issue. I appreciate your advice but I'm glad I contacted the OW and I was not at all abusive and neither was she. I did feel afterwards that perhaps I was too
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Fri, 03-13-2009 - 2:18pm
nope not the issue at all..i would never blame xap's wife for his affair with me...he has his own issues within himself, silly lady, that he has to deal with..if you read what i wrote you would find that i blame the poster for his affair not the wife...at all...i am saying YOU ms susieq..blame your husbands affair on the OW..when it's your husband who is at fault and who lied to you about his indiscretions...not the OW..she has NO loyalty to you at all..she doesn't know you and probably could care less to be honest...that's the OW side of things..and just my opinion about it...just as you have yours..i understand you are betrayed but YOUR HUSBAND not anyone else..is the one that betrayed you..there is no reason on God's green earth that you have the right to take anything up with the OW...you should take it up with the HUSBAND...(not saying you directly but you-as in the betrayed spouses..be it male or female) i can sound harsh or crass and brazen at times....and please read clearly...there was no other reason for me to end my a other than to DO THE RIGHT THING for my ap and his family...cutting contact was so things didn't get any further out of hand between us..frustration with you lies in the fact that your husband betrayed you and could love another...again i say because someone marries does NOT mean that is the best and most complimentary person for them..it just means they SHOULD be committed and loyal..but sometimes they aren't...i wasn't coming down on you but i was giving you a different perspective....bs can be subjective when it comes to dealing with the issues of an affair...of course you would be....you were betrayed...my only point in replying was to offer the poster the view that HE SHOULD NOT WELCOME CONDONE OR EVEN IGNORE the fact that his wife could be putting herself in a very precarious situation by contacting the OW...in fact it's been wayyyy too long...just let it go...

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Fri, 03-13-2009 - 2:28pm

I guess if the blame game begins, then all involved are equally responsible, IMO.The OW/OM have equal responsibility,they are not kids that the AP ( woman or man ) dragged them in with force or threat ! nor is the AP the only one to blame and neither the WS the only cause.

All A's are typical in there own way.But putting all the 'blame' on the AP is completely wrong just as making the AP's H or W the reason for AP to stray.The OM/OW are NOT the innocent participants either, BTW , i am a SW with a MM,i dont see myself as 'innocent',no way! I am going along with my MM as i am getting something out of it which i dont get from other S guys.

As for the OP's post, i guess,nothing good will come out of it,just dragging the past into your present and future.Your exAP most probably will throw all 'blame' on you and prove herself to be the innocent one who believed all your lies.sorry to say so.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Fri, 03-13-2009 - 2:28pm

"I think you have a lot of issues to deal with yourelf judging by the number of times you have commented on this issue"


and to the above statement..but you are reading it honey..not only that..you are offering a judgement....public board, free to post, and i will keep doing it...to give u some background..entered a friendship, xap never declared he would leave the w, i accepted..had a bf...bf wasn't a good one..xap and i remained friends...i warded him off for a while but then couldn't help myself neither could he...told me he loved me as i fell in love with and grew to love him..had ups and downs of course..he became deeply and emotionally involved with my son and i...i've broken it off several time, with him not coming back per se but us being friends but with him still providing for my son and i..and still being there to offer up advice and other things as a mature man should when he involves himself in any relationship with anyone..that is if he's a good person...he and my son are best friends and he's declared his love for me to my son in front of me before now and still when they talk..hes also declared his love for me to his mother and siblings....declared his love to my son to me and to my son ..and has vowed he would remain in DS life..and he has..for that i respect the heck out of him..he's an extremely NOBLE man...he still comes to get DS to take to dinner and gives DS what he wants oh did i mention this isn't DS father at all..DS is 17 y/o...it's amazing the bond they've formed...okay enough of that....i say it to say i have no issues with XaP or wife..i would never WANT to hurt her because she did not DO A THING wrong he DID..she's probably a beautiful woman in her own right who keeps her household running the way she should and does what she knows how and what she's been shown and raised to do and by many examples to try and keep her husband happy, there, loyal and committed....however, my XAP has his own thing that he likes what he wants out of someone and how he wants to feel on the inside...it's NOT her fault at all...sometimes folks grow apart or on different paths..they enter relationships and there's a dead end (affairs are definate dead ends) but they remain at those dead ends, finances, children, extended families..and they may never get out..continue to cheat or live miserable existences...again not her fault..his own issues if he's not truly happy with her or his life...so i don't have any issues with the wife...but what i do have issues with is a betrayed spouse or affair partner who blames the OW...thats just wrong..it takes TWO not one..two to tango..i'm sure the OW in your case didn't put a gun to your husbands head and make him have sex with her or love her...and i'm sure there was no way in hell that she could make him lie...of course unless her PUNANY was just that GOOD (joking on that punany part to pluck your nerve..but sometimes the outside punany is way better, hey dont shoot me you guys ...all cooter isn't the same)



"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss




Edited 3/13/2009 2:32 pm ET by tygerzize

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

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