This topic has traveled all over and around the subject matter and for that I am grateful for your honest and highly emotinal replies. This is exactly why I came to this board, to get my question answered; "How would you, as OW, feel if a W wrote a letter (or whatever) to you about the A you had with her H?" The reason I came here to ask is because I don't want to be involved with
Why didn't you go to the "Both Sides of Affair" board to get your answers? Even the AAS board would have been a better place. This is a support board for people who are in the midst of an A and their emotions are in a different place. Go to a board and ask people who have moved past it already or are more willing to discuss it.
It is almost like you are angry with yourself about having the A in the first place and want to take that anger out on people who will be hurt by it. Instead of telling the women here that they need to question their reactions you should be LOOKING AT WHY you came here instead of going to a more appropriate board. It is kind of like you want to take out your frustration on people who are in a vulnerable place with their emotions. That is not fair. Look at why your wife is having a hard time getting past the A and look at why you are lashing out at people who will be triggered. Is it because you want to hurt someone because you are angry?
It was your A and your M. Sure, the OW should take responsibility for her own actions. It sounds like she has and has moved on. Quit blaming her and face your REAL issues.
And one more question, why are you feeling the need to sell the idea that your M is in a better place? Your reaction is defensive. Why are you being defensive? If your M was in a better place then you wouldn't even have to come here. Another item you might want to take a look at.
I know that your wife thinks she wants to know more, but I think deep down her finding out more will only cause more problems. If the two of you (you and your wife) are going to work through this and remain married, I think it is in everyone's best interest to NOT bring the other woman back into things.
I just think you're asking for more trouble by allowing the two of them to have contact. Plus, if you have ended things - I think the OW probably wants to be left alone now. She's been through enough. The last thing she'll want is your wife in her face.
"again..rethink writing the OW..i'm telling you wild..there are things you've probably said to XOW that she's going to throw in your wife's face and it will just make your situation at home even harder than it is now..."
Excellent point! How many times have we read that the MM tells the OW one thing (to keep her hooked) and the W something else? I highly doubt he was that honest with the OW.
Wild, typerzize is right. What if the xOW is compelled to respond with her version of the truth? YOu had to tell her something to keep her wanting to have sex with you didn't you? If you are rebuilding then rebuild and leave the xOW out of it. She has moved on and you and your W are probably not even a blip on the radar screen in her mind. If you W needs a place to put her own anger it should be on you for putting her in this position in the first place.
I think that your A is unique in that you fell in love with each other. I met my current H while I was M to a total arse so I know that not all A are about S. It is just sad that you and your XAP couldn't make a go of a real relationship. It sounds like you two have found something special in each other. He is going to regret letting you go if he doesn't get out of a M where he is unhappy and pursue something that he finds is so special.
to be honest, i'm glad we found something special...letting go was just hard..in that which was special..he found a special relationship with a son he never had but always wanted..alright by me...when i put my ds first nothing else really matters....so i can find happiness in one way or another out of it...that's honest talk...i am heartbroken and feeling emotional about the break up....but i am not mad at anyone for this..i don't blame anyone at all...
and he just walked by my office window
but that too is okay..not emotional, not crying, not upset...(some find that wierd) but maybe it's because i'm dating someone else now...not sure...
what's hard about trasitioning from affair to real relationship is allowing yourself to feel a spark or become connected with someone else..i find it really hard..not that i want XAP back (too many restrictions on this and that..and i can be a beotch when i don't get my way and i'm spoiled as all get out..especially by xap), but that it's just hard allowing yourself to even in the least bit be open..but i'm working on it and hopeful for a successful complete relationship with someone else.....
maybe one day xap and i can be close friends again
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
I felt I needed to reply b/c I, myself was in this very similiar situation. My H had an A and I found out only by a letter she had stupidly mailed to him. I wanted so badly to find HER, to speak to HER - I somewhat knew HIS side of the story - but if your W is like me, she doesn't believe a word you're saying about any of it! She needs to find out for herself. Yet...this may only complicate things even more so. I personally never spoke to the OW, yet I DID write her a letter - I got everything out I would have told her to her face without getting into a major heated discussion. I felt somewhat better, yet time is truly the only thing that heals....that and the honesty, the re-commitment to your W and your openness to answer whatever questions she may have - yes, it will be difficult to answer some of them, but if you truly want your marriage
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This topic has traveled all over and around the subject matter and for that I am grateful for your honest and highly emotinal replies. This is exactly why I came to this board, to get my question answered; "How would you, as OW, feel if a W wrote a letter (or whatever) to you about the A you had with her H?" The reason I came here to ask is because I don't want to be involved with
Why didn't you go to the "Both Sides of Affair" board to get your answers? Even the AAS board would have been a better place. This is a support board for people who are in the midst of an A and their emotions are in a different place. Go to a board and ask people who have moved past it already or are more willing to discuss it.
It is almost like you are angry with yourself about having the A in the first place and want to take that anger out on people who will be hurt by it. Instead of telling the women here that they need to question their reactions you should be LOOKING AT WHY you came here instead of going to a more appropriate board. It is kind of like you want to take out your frustration on people who are in a vulnerable place with their emotions. That is not fair. Look at why your wife is having a hard time getting past the A and look at why you are lashing out at people who will be triggered. Is it because you want to hurt someone because you are angry?
It was your A and your M. Sure, the OW should take responsibility for her own actions. It sounds like she has and has moved on. Quit blaming her and face your REAL issues.
And one more question, why are you feeling the need to sell the idea that your M is in a better place? Your reaction is defensive. Why are you being defensive? If your M was in a better place then you wouldn't even have to come here. Another item you might want to take a look at.
Edited 3/15/2009 7:54 pm ET by spicedtea
i mean come on wild ..you
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
I know that your wife thinks she wants to know more, but I think deep down her finding out more will only cause more problems. If the two of you (you and your wife) are going to work through this and remain married, I think it is in everyone's best interest to NOT bring the other woman back into things.
I just think you're asking for more trouble by allowing the two of them to have contact. Plus, if you have ended things - I think the OW probably wants to be left alone now. She's been through enough. The last thing she'll want is your wife in her face.
"again..rethink writing the OW..i'm telling you wild..there are things you've probably said to XOW that she's going to throw in your wife's face and it will just make your situation at home even harder than it is now..."
Excellent point! How many times have we read that the MM tells the OW one thing (to keep her hooked) and the W something else? I highly doubt he was that honest with the OW.
Wild, typerzize is right. What if the xOW is compelled to respond with her version of the truth? YOu had to tell her something to keep her wanting to have sex with you didn't you? If you are rebuilding then rebuild and leave the xOW out of it. She has moved on and you and your W are probably not even a blip on the radar screen in her mind. If you W needs a place to put her own anger it should be on you for putting her in this position in the first place.
I don't really understand why some
to be honest, i'm glad we found something special...letting go was just hard..in that which was special..he found a special relationship with a son he never had but always wanted..alright by me...when i put my ds first nothing else really matters....so i can find happiness in one way or another out of it...that's honest talk...i am heartbroken and feeling emotional about the break up....but i am not mad at anyone for this..i don't blame anyone at all...
and he just walked by my office window
but that too is okay..not emotional, not crying, not upset...(some find that wierd) but maybe it's because i'm dating someone else now...not sure...
what's hard about trasitioning from affair to real relationship is allowing yourself to feel a spark or become connected with someone else..i find it really hard..not that i want XAP back (too many restrictions on this and that..and i can be a beotch when i don't get my way and i'm spoiled as all get out..especially by xap), but that it's just hard allowing yourself to even in the least bit be open..but i'm working on it and hopeful for a successful complete relationship with someone else.....
maybe one day xap and i can be close friends again
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
Wild -
I felt I needed to reply b/c I, myself was in this very similiar situation. My H had an A and I found out only by a letter she had stupidly mailed to him. I wanted so badly to find HER, to speak to HER - I somewhat knew HIS side of the story - but if your W is like me, she doesn't believe a word you're saying about any of it! She needs to find out for herself. Yet...this may only complicate things even more so. I personally never spoke to the OW, yet I DID write her a letter - I got everything out I would have told her to her face without getting into a major heated discussion. I felt somewhat better, yet time is truly the only thing that heals....that and the honesty, the re-commitment to your W and your openness to answer whatever questions she may have - yes, it will be difficult to answer some of them, but if you truly want your marriage
Pages