The WIFE

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2008
The WIFE
30
Sat, 06-05-2010 - 4:18pm

He had had a 5 year affair with an old high school sweetheart (they only met about 2-3 times a year as she lives in a different state). His wife found out about it a few years ago, and he was able to make her believe that it was only an EA. He and his wife have been going to MC since. Just a few months ago wife found out that it was actually a PA. She has been frantic since.

She cries constantly, she is berating and interrogating him day and night, she calls him literally 20 times a day, she demands to see notes from his INDIVIDUAL therapy session (she ordered him to take notes so that she knows what they talk about). She wrote a several page ‘novel’ based on the emails she found/things AP said, listing all the details of the A. She demands to know every single day what sex was like with her, and if it was better than with her etc. She blocked him from the internet completely, and only ‘allows’ him to use a cell phone they share (no use – he has his secret cell to call me from). She demands a password to his work email. She says he ruined her entire life, she hates him, he is deplorable, and that she only stays with him because she is too old to find someone else now. He suggested separation but she refuses. She says she knows that if they separate he will never come back to her. Even their MC said the other day "What is the point in you guys staying together...?"

I ask, does this woman have no pride at all??? Who would do these things? Does she really think that suffocating him like this will make things better?? If something like this happened to me, I would ask for separation, so that he could get a sense of the harsh realities of life without me. And if he comes back, that would mean he really does love me and want to make things work, and if he does not come back, then for the better so I at least know. I am flabbergasted by W's reaction.

At this point he says he really is just waiting for her to kick him out, because he feels bad to be the bad guy. (She is an introvert, no friends, parents dead, only child.. He is an extrovert with more friends and support..)He does admit he is scared to end a 20+ year relationship, however bad, but who would not be? I really think he does want to be discovered, as we go to restaurants, bars (Downtown, not even in secluded places!) all the time and he will hold my hand, kiss me in daylight etc. has no problems with public displays of affection. He even gave me the number to their shared cell-phone, just in case. (Hats off to him by the way, as in spite of the house watch, he calls me about 5 times a day and we meet 3-5 times a week).
Anyways, just wanted to share the story. What do you guys think of is wife’s reaction? Sounds unbelievable to me.




Edited 6/5/2010 7:08 pm ET by calpurnia2008
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
In reply to: calpurnia2008
Sun, 06-06-2010 - 10:21am

MLSB,


There are many women from MAS who end up posting on EAS, then go back to MAS, and so forth. Please do not misinterpret my posting here (as someone who recently ended her A) as any sort of judgment. I read a lot of happiness on this board, but I also read a lot of pain and confusion on this board. BTDT. I am/was merely trying to bring in another perspective. For some of the women here, it seems the focus is all on the AP or the AP's SO, when perhaps there are other things to consider.


I am a believer that APs can find happiness ever after. I have two friends in that very situation.


As I have said before, I am not a shining example of righteousness, so

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
In reply to: calpurnia2008
Sun, 06-06-2010 - 10:43am

I don't know what to add to what others have said. It's obvious that your APs wife is being over-controlling in an attempt to stop any A he was involved in - it's also obvious that this tactic doesn't work. It doesn't work on teenagers we are trying to control to keep them away from druggie friends, etc., it doesn't work in any situation where we are trying to control another person's life - when that person is beyond 12 yrs. old.

But your AP should eventually tire of this behavior on her part. She might never take the initiative to throw him out - he might have to put on his "big boy" pants and be the "bad guy". As much as I wonder about her behavior, I also wonder about his - but since it hasn't been that long that she's been doing this, maybe he will finally reach his breaking point and leave. In this particular situation it would surely be best for both of them.

BTW I didn't personally find Always' post to be out of line or against community standards, but it was an interesting point that if we tried to post our perspective at EAS we would surely be sent away loudly and probably viscously LOL. However, her expressed opinion didn't seem to be from an EAS perspective either, it just seemed she was trying to present a different perspective, and sometimes that's helpful. In any case we can take what's helpful to us, leave the rest, and RAV the posts we think are against community standards.

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
In reply to: calpurnia2008
Sun, 06-06-2010 - 11:28am

LOL, Lexie. We're not all vicious over there. :)


To me, support means to help a friend--or even stranger--see all sides of an issue

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
In reply to: calpurnia2008
Sun, 06-06-2010 - 12:34pm

Oh, I didn't say they were vicious over at EAS LOL. I respect the ladies at EAS and often refer people there who seem to be ready to make that move. I said if we presented our perspective there, we would be sent away possibly "viciously", and having seen the response over there sometimes, that part is true! However, it's also fair, since we can't be posting our perspective in many places, such as at Betrayed Spouse support, and they can't be posting their perspective here, etc. etc. It's all a part of the ivillage vision of people being safe in their own support groups - for which I am very grateful. :-)

BTW Always, I enjoy your input as a former OW and haven't seen evidence of anything against community guidelines.

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
In reply to: calpurnia2008
Sun, 06-06-2010 - 5:41pm

I'm a former OW too and I don't post much, because sometimes advice from the other side of the fence tends to come off as non-supportive and preachy, when really I hope to help others avoid some of the pitfalls I strayed into.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2009
In reply to: calpurnia2008
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 6:08am

let's see...he had a 5 year affair with an old HS Sweetheart....He LIED and said it was just an EA and she found out it was a PA. He is now with you.......and you wonder why she is acting the way she is???? REALLY??????


When a couple is rebuilding, the WS is suppose to disclose EVERYTHING that the BS wants to know.


He wants HER to kick him out???? WHY doesnt HE just leave???????? Because he is a COWARD and WANTS to stay with HER!


She wants him to hurt as much as she does and this is the only way she knows how.......if he doesnt like facing consequences of his betrayal...then he needs to leave and let his wife find someone who would not cheat on her at least twice.....I will bet there have been more women.


So instead of wondering about THE WIFE's behavior..wonder about HIS.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2008
In reply to: calpurnia2008
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 8:05pm

Instead of yelling, and using hundreds of question marks, read some of my replies beforehand on the thread.

My two advices to you:
1, Before you post, take the courtesy to read all previous posts, so that you don't repeat things that have already been discussed in depth.

2, Have some style, and if you have nothing substantial to say, keep it to yourself. Your writing is like that of a 5 year old.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2007
In reply to: calpurnia2008
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 9:35pm

Hi Cal
I haven't read the entire thread, just your first post so I don't know where everyone is at but I only have a minute so here goes.

the wife is not insane. The AP has made her that way. I know from my own experience. She has believed and loved him for a very long time and I guarantee that he has told her she was crazy whenever she tried to question him. Again, this is from my own experience w/my H both times he was in an affair.

I am in a long term affair, I am MW w/a MM. I completely understand where she is coming from. If she is lucky the way I was she will get therapy and learn how to get through it with her sanity intact. I really thought I had dealt with my H's affairs but now that I am in one myself I doubt that that's true. What she is doing is wrong but it is all that she knows right now.

Remember that they once loved each other very much even if they don't now. They have a history together. As painful as it is for you remember that she is a woman too, just like most of us who just wants to be loved, thought that she was loved by her husband. Insane behavior is not unusual when an affair is discovered.

good luck to you,
Fran

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
In reply to: calpurnia2008
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 10:35pm

noone "makes" anyone do anything unless there is a gun and/or blackmail involved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2009
In reply to: calpurnia2008
Tue, 06-08-2010 - 5:07am
LOL...instead of commenting on the points I made you went on about how I presented them....YEP ...wanted to make my point and I guess I did because you had absolutely nothing to say about them........