The WIFE

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2008
The WIFE
30
Sat, 06-05-2010 - 4:18pm

He had had a 5 year affair with an old high school sweetheart (they only met about 2-3 times a year as she lives in a different state). His wife found out about it a few years ago, and he was able to make her believe that it was only an EA. He and his wife have been going to MC since. Just a few months ago wife found out that it was actually a PA. She has been frantic since.

She cries constantly, she is berating and interrogating him day and night, she calls him literally 20 times a day, she demands to see notes from his INDIVIDUAL therapy session (she ordered him to take notes so that she knows what they talk about). She wrote a several page ‘novel’ based on the emails she found/things AP said, listing all the details of the A. She demands to know every single day what sex was like with her, and if it was better than with her etc. She blocked him from the internet completely, and only ‘allows’ him to use a cell phone they share (no use – he has his secret cell to call me from). She demands a password to his work email. She says he ruined her entire life, she hates him, he is deplorable, and that she only stays with him because she is too old to find someone else now. He suggested separation but she refuses. She says she knows that if they separate he will never come back to her. Even their MC said the other day "What is the point in you guys staying together...?"

I ask, does this woman have no pride at all??? Who would do these things? Does she really think that suffocating him like this will make things better?? If something like this happened to me, I would ask for separation, so that he could get a sense of the harsh realities of life without me. And if he comes back, that would mean he really does love me and want to make things work, and if he does not come back, then for the better so I at least know. I am flabbergasted by W's reaction.

At this point he says he really is just waiting for her to kick him out, because he feels bad to be the bad guy. (She is an introvert, no friends, parents dead, only child.. He is an extrovert with more friends and support..)He does admit he is scared to end a 20+ year relationship, however bad, but who would not be? I really think he does want to be discovered, as we go to restaurants, bars (Downtown, not even in secluded places!) all the time and he will hold my hand, kiss me in daylight etc. has no problems with public displays of affection. He even gave me the number to their shared cell-phone, just in case. (Hats off to him by the way, as in spite of the house watch, he calls me about 5 times a day and we meet 3-5 times a week).
Anyways, just wanted to share the story. What do you guys think of is wife’s reaction? Sounds unbelievable to me.




Edited 6/5/2010 7:08 pm ET by calpurnia2008

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2008
In reply to: calpurnia2008
Tue, 06-08-2010 - 5:55am
All of your points were answered/ talked about/elaborated in previous posts by me and other posters, again, you would have known if you would have just taken the time to read them.


Edited 6/8/2010 6:03 am ET by calpurnia2008
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2008
In reply to: calpurnia2008
Tue, 06-08-2010 - 6:08am
Hi,

Interesting idea about the open-book thing, I have not heard of that before, thanks for mentioning. I wonder how productive doing that is, although I imagine it works more on the emotional level than on the rational level.

I think AP is very very conflicted and is rebuilding but then simultaneously de-building, even just by being with me. He does not want to stay married but is also afraid to hurt his wife (even more..) and to throw away 20+ years of history together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2009
In reply to: calpurnia2008
Tue, 06-08-2010 - 7:21am
you were busy bad mouthing the wife and you did not understand at all why she acts that way.......take it up with AP. Your AP has a "set" to wonder why and be upset for the way his wife is treating him......he caused ALL OF IT
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2008
In reply to: calpurnia2008
Tue, 06-08-2010 - 10:37pm

This board is to discuss affair related topics, and to get support and insights from each other. I will continue to post on whatever I feel like sharing here with the folks (as long as it does not violate the terms of use), whether you like it or not.

If this topic is upsetting to you, you really should not be reading my thread, or this board for that matter. Your post again shows that you still have not even gone into the trouble of reading the posts in the thread. :-)

Please don't even bother replying. Ignore button is pushed.

All the best to you




Edited 6/8/2010 10:39 pm ET by calpurnia2008
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2008
In reply to: calpurnia2008
Tue, 06-08-2010 - 10:54pm

You are raising a really good point, thanks for your insight. I never thought she was crazy, I was just wondering what she might be going through.

I was cheated on before, and as soon as I discovered I kicked the person out immediately. Not to say that this is 'the right thing to do' it is just the way I am. I would have been to afraid that he would have left for another woman anyway after my trust was broken. I could not have imagined staying with him another second. This is why it is a bit hard for me to understand that after finding out that he has been lying in therapy for years (he did not want to hurt her more than necessary. I know, I know, then he should not have had the affair to start with.. etc. etc.) and she still has not left him and is coping the way she is (again, we are all doing our best to survive, so it is not to judge).

But then again, I have never been married 20+ years either... My post was not intended to evaluate the way she has been acting in any way, but to better understand it. My parents went through a nasty divorce when I was little, and I am interested in how people feel or react in these situations, and why they cope the way they do.

Thanks again, useful insight!




Edited 6/8/2010 11:05 pm ET by calpurnia2008
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2008
In reply to: calpurnia2008
Tue, 06-08-2010 - 11:03pm

Hi,

Good point that no one can force anyone to do anything unless a gun or a blackmail is involved.

You are right, it is not a very 'ballsy' thing to do to complain about her W over controlling/calling when he is the one enabling it. Besides, basically in a big part his cheating brought them to this bad place they are right now (not to say they have not been having some other big problems going on...).

Life is complex.. It is always easier to know the right thing intellectually, but a lot harder to actually act on it. They are in a really tough place all around, that's for sure. We will see what happens. I will keep you guys updated. There might be a "He decided to rebuild, NC :-(' post from me soon, who knows. Or maybe a "wife packed up and left' post, or a 'nothing has changed for a year' post.

Only time will time. In the meantime, thanks for your input.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
In reply to: calpurnia2008
Wed, 06-09-2010 - 12:00am

ITA with this.


Prior to H, I was engaged to a guy (whom I also lived with), and five days before the wedding, he confessed he'd been cheating on me for the last six months.

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2009
In reply to: calpurnia2008
Wed, 06-09-2010 - 3:46am
The topic doesnt bother me at all. But insulting his wife is not the right thing to do especially since your AP made her that way and her actions are valid....like or not. I do not care if you continue to post here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
In reply to: calpurnia2008
Wed, 06-09-2010 - 12:52pm

<>

Onward and upward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2007
In reply to: calpurnia2008
Wed, 06-09-2010 - 8:02pm

I think a lot of it has to do with a man not wanting to "look like the bad guy". He probably wants to be able to say "she left me" "I tried" etc.


The other thing to look at is it is very hard to sleep next to a partner for 20 years and not get scared at the possibility of losing that companionship or maybe the financial stability or they may have kids together. That is a lifelong bond. I think a lot of it has to do with the "fear of what is unexpected" if she leaves him. Either that or she loves him THAT much that she is grasping at straws.

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