will AP really deny his child?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2010
will AP really deny his child?
9
Thu, 07-01-2010 - 12:16pm

I feel past sad....I feel numb. This is turning out to be day 3 of n/c . For the past few weeks my AP (or xAP - who knows) has called me/texted me non-stop to talk about the pregnancy and our situation. The last couple of calls were different. He told me his W was trying to be nice to him and wanted to talk about their M. He also said something that was very painful:


AP: How long do you think this can go on?


Me: you mean our relationship? Well looks like we will alway have a bond of some sort(meaning the child) even if we are not together


AP: oh...


I have told him more than once that if he didn't want to be involved with me or the child he didn't have to be. He would always argue and say "of course I want to be involved. I will always love what is a part of me." I don't want my child to feel rejected or to be a bastard." AP had a tough childhood. His mother rejected him and his paternal grandmother brought him home from the hospital and raised him. His father would visit him but got married to someone else and raised a family, while AP lived with grandparents.


I am wondering if my AP would truly abandon his child, after all he's been through. He always talks about feeling rejected. I know its his choice, I have no control. I don't why I repeatedly tell him he doesn't have to be involved. I have also told him that I won't tell anyone that he is the father, especially not his wife. I don't want that kind of drama in my life. I guess I tell him he doesn't have to be involved because

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2007
Thu, 07-01-2010 - 12:36pm

I can't imagine the stress you must be going through...That said...

You need to be making plans of your own for yourself. I would not contact him in any way. Easy for me to say. he needs to do this himself. If you poke and prod at him and cajole him into being involved you will never KNOW that he did it on his own, and also he may resent you for guilting him into something he would not have done of his own accord. HOWEVER, you when you do communicate with him stop giving him the out by saying "you don't have to be involved". You've made it clear. He knows that. And he may be mis-reading that statement as a way of you making him feel guilty OR as you passive aggressively pushing him away. Your ability to make this decision, care for yourself and the baby while NOT contacting him shows that he does not have to be involved. The next step is that he has to CHOOSE to be involved. And when he does, accept it warmly, if he doesn't...well, it was to be expected right? NO MORE DRAMA for you and that baby. It does you no good. Take care of yourself!!! I would make no decisions now. Let him figure it out. Give yourself a deadline...if he's not actively involved by x date...there is no turning back. He loses that option.

Chechi

ps...you will not be alone in that delivery room...it's you and that awesome new baby against the world.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Thu, 07-01-2010 - 12:48pm

Hi Owl,

Best to let him be.. the best response you'll get from him is when he's able to contact you himself.. then, he'll be in the right frame of mind to say and do the right things.. right now, the best you'll get from him is ambiguity, and you are already there without him anyway..

Focus on yourself, focus on the baby, and let the pieces fall where they may.

I'd still put AP's name on the birth certificate.. I never knew my mom and I must have gone through a similar situation as yours as a baby.. after 40+ yrs, it still haunts me and defines who I am, as I try not to let it, as much as possible.. Down the line, you can come up with explanations as to what happened, but if a child is loved, it won't matter, as long as there is a real person identified as the father in his records.. again, just my opinion from having lived through this as a kid and an adult..

Good luck..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Thu, 07-01-2010 - 12:56pm

He sounds like a little china doll, all fragile and breakable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2010
Thu, 07-01-2010 - 1:19pm
You've gotten some good feedback from the others.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2010
Thu, 07-01-2010 - 3:23pm
ok I think you read her posts her ap didn't want the child but she decided to go through with it on her own so that was not mutual decison . Its not like they both did this. Ofcourse they both had sex but going ahead with a child was her's decison .

what is unbelievable here is how inconsiderate she is towards her husband that she didn't mind having lover's child while still being marriedto him . That is simply disrespectful & outright hurtful for her husband .
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2010
Thu, 07-01-2010 - 3:56pm

Thanks all for your thoughtful comments:


Chechi - you are right. I need to stop saying it and show it. He may think my comments are a way to push him away or guilt him into helping me. And if I'm honest with myself, they probably are.


Nevereasy - thanks for sharing your experience. "Father Unknown" on a birth certificate is really sad. I don't know if I can legally put his name down but I'll look into it.


JaneJosie - you are so funny. Yes, yes, yes, he's a big passive/aggressive, whiny cry baby. But he has a nice a$$ , so what can I say (lol!!!!)


Lily and everyone else

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2010
Thu, 07-01-2010 - 9:32pm

Think long term.....I know you talked about not going after him for child support but realistically you need to do what is right for your child. Let's face it - he would LOVE nothing more than for you to NOT put his name on the birth certificate, not go after him for child support and basically not interfere in his life. He's crapping twinkies right now - he doesn't want to tell his family but what about you? You don't have that luxury.

Don't think about him, that's all he's been thinking about and he's quite good at it. You need to think about you and your baby. You don't have to be mean or rash or even think of it in those terms but you do need to be practical and financially smart. And quite frankly right now you SHOULD be a little bit selfish and think about YOU and how this is affecting YOU and your life. If he's going to be a PITA, let him, but you still need to think about your future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Fri, 07-02-2010 - 12:04pm

Hi Pm_Owl,


I hope as the days go by that you are getting stronger and stay positive in whatever decisions you make. Everyone on this board I feel gave some good advice. I wouldn't contact him either. He knows the situation and the paternity has been confirmed that he is the father.

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Fri, 07-02-2010 - 12:46pm
I hope and pray that he just needs time to think and adjust, and that'll he come around.

anotherseyes