Will he or won't he?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Will he or won't he?
6
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 10:31pm
As everyone on here I want to be sure that I give all of the details so that a full understanding can be had by all. About a year and a half ago while at a convension for work a co-worker and myself started what we thought at the begining was just going to be a good time. However, before the week was over it was obvious that we were not going to be able to just stop seeing each other when we got back. And before long we were having feeling for each other which neither one of us tried to stop. Needless to say here we are a year and a half later and he still has not been able to leave his wife. He claims that it is more involved than just that, his youngest is about to graduate high school and I think that after this happens it will be an easier decision for him. I have made ultimadums and he hasn't been able to reach my deadlines. I have tried to end it telling him that if he hasn't left yet then he never will. However, I haven't been able to stay away. I think I'm afraid that if I force him away to try to make him choose I will be devastated by his choice. He has become such a major part of my life already I'm not sure if I'll be able to adjust easily to life without him. I know that he loves me, there is no doubt about that. But we've gotten to the point where I need to know how much longer and he is leery about committing to a date for fear thast if he doesnot meet it I will leave him forever. I love him, and have never felt more loved by anyone in all of my life. He claims that there is not much of a marriage and he does spend alot of time with me, but all of this time he does have an excuse for, never just saying the hell with it and dealing with things later when he gets home. Your advise?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 2:00am
Did he feel that his marriage was "not much of a marriage" before you two became involved, or has that only happened since? Some people spend years in marriages that they consider to be "not much of a marriage" until they find the courage to leave, after all else has failed. As his youngest child is about to graduate high school, I'm assuming that he has been married for some considerable time. That's not something most people throw away lightly. What attempts or efforts has he made to make his marriage all he'd want it to be? Has he made any that you're aware of?

It's only been 18 months that you've been involved after all, and you knew at the outset that he was married. You pursued this relationship knowing that he was unavailable for the kind of relationship it sounds like you now want. So, you really only have two choices: you either accept the relationship as it is, for what it is, and enjoy it, or you end the relationship if you can't accept that. If one day he does leave his marriage, then there maybe a hope of establishing the kind of relationship you'd prefer to have with this man. But, there's no guarantee that would happen anyway.

By giving him ultimatums and then not following through on them, you've already demonstrated to him that you don't mean what you say and you won't end the relationship if he doesn't leave his marriage. Are you really so sure he wants to leave the marriage? It could be that is happy with, and enjoys what he has - his marriage and you!

If you're going to give ultimatums then you had better be prepared to accept the outcome and follow through. If not, then don't even give them, because all you're doing is displaying you're own weakness and insecurity.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 8:48am
I undertsand what you are saying, and your 100% right, I only have two choices here. And showing how much all of this has been getting to me is only giving him more confidence that he'll be able to continue on just as things are, without making a choice. And you are correct there are alot of years he and his wife have been together, 32 yrs to be exact. However, we've talked about all of the things that he would be walking away from and he says that he is prepared to to it if it means keeping me in his life. He knows that what we feel when we are together is something most people rarely find, and maybe I'm a fool but I truly believe he loves me. He did leave her about 18 yrs ago, but he no sooner did when she turned up pregnant so he went back. But, in order to do so he made a promise to her that he would never hurt her again, and that is what worries me, I know that he loves me and wants to be with me, but I believe he's not sure if he can break this promise to her by leaving. He has told me that his marriage was over a long time ago, and that the only reason he has stayed was because of his daughter. During the time his daughter has been growing up he has ran with several different women, but never to the extent to where he is now. He claims that he has never had any feelings for those women and as soon as they displayed any he ended it. We live about 40 minutes from one another, and we manage to see one another almost every day, while some day it may only be for lunch. Feeling the way I do and having already 18 months invested, I'm fighting over the question of sticking it out until June to see if his excuse of not wanting to mess his daughter up in school is valid, or to follow through on walking away since he couldn't meet the deadline he set for the end of February. Your feelings?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 10:17am

hi deb8109inphilly and welcome!


girl, you'd better tell MM to "put up or shut up" because he's bounced your emotions around enough already!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 2:15pm
Your right the more I hesitate the more control he's going to feel he has over this entire situation. In reality he does have all of the control but letting him know that has been my down fall. I just got off the phone with him and I asked him what it is he wants from me, as he knows that I can't do this anymore without knowing how long I'm suppose to be doing it for, and he told me that he doesn't want to give me a specific time only to let me down when he can't meet it, so I told him then he's leaving me no other choice but to walk away. Knowing how hard that would be for me, he makes it harder by tells me that he doesn't want to lose me. I even went as far as to tell him that he really loved me he would put a stop to all of this pain by simply letting me go, but he claims that he's not capable of doing that even though he knows that right now it would be best for me. He tells me that he is confused as he thought that I wanted what he wants and that is to work this out someway or another. And he's right I've been saying one thing and then turning around the next day calling him telling him that I need to see him, changing my mind from one thing to another. At this point of the conversation my cell phone went dead, but I think the only response left for me to give him when he calls me later is tell him that I love him and want more than anything to be with him, but this is something that he must work out without me, it's as simple as this either you want to be with me or you don't. Saying it is the easy part, following through is the part that I've been having the difficulty with. I believe it's because why I'm doing it is for the wrong reasons, as I'm expecting him to leave if I follow through, but what happens if he doesn't?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 3:20pm

dek, you have to accept the facts as they are -- MM is confused and not leaving his M for you, right now.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 11:17pm
Honey -- he's going to leave if he wants to but it shouldn't be because of you. If he does leave for you and something happens like his W or DD starts freaking out or making ultimatums, who will he blame? You did go in to this with your eyes wide open. If you are not happy because he is with his wife, you need to get out. Because that could be your reality forever. His marriage has to be a seperate issue from his relationship with you. I know that's hard to swallow, but there you have it. If you need someone who can devote 100% of himself to you, you need to find someone who isn't struggling with a 32-year commitment and children. Even if he left today, there are years ahead of him dividing himself between you and his family. And again, do you want to be the wedge. Please think long and hard. I know you love him... but do you love him enough to accept him no matter what. Sending a hug your way. I hope the smoke clears for you soon and you find happiness.