Will I ever understand this?
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Will I ever understand this?
| Wed, 10-22-2003 - 8:30pm |
Hello. I am new to this board. Sadly, it has taken extreme emotional sadness for me to investigate and join. I am in individual counceling but have not had the advantage of sharing with others in my situation. I am 42 and have been in involved in an affair with a married man for 4 years. My experiences in my affair seem to be very similar to many of your experiences. He broke his relationship with me once a year (sometimes at my own urging) to try to repair his marriage. He came back each time and each time after trying my best to say "no", I became involved in the relationship again. We work together and that has been the hard part. My biggest request to him was that he not string me along because I really wanted a child. I did not want to waste possibly my last 4 fertile years. (I know, then I should not have been involved with a married man). He urged me to wait for him to have a child. Pleaded is a better description. He has a daughter of his own. Our affair began shortly after she was born. Naturally, during these 4 years, he has discovered that he loves being a father and he adores his daughter, as he should. I adored her also. That has been his battle. He could not bear to leave his daughter. I tried so hard to get him to see that I was not competing with his daughter. I agreed to move to wherever was necessary, should he divorce. Completely by accident, last year, I became pregnant. I miscarried after 3 months. It was a very painful awful experience.
He decided to go back and try again in his marriage about 3 months ago. I have just discovered that he and his wife are trying to have another child. He has told me things are better in his marriage, but mainly they want their daughter to have a sibling. He says that there is still no passion in the marriage and they have both agreed to live with that for the sake of their daughter. I am crushed. I find it hard to believe that he would do this right in front of me - have a child - we work together. I find it especially hard since he made many promises that he would not do this and I had the miscarriage only 1 year ago. I have been looking for another job, but jobs are hard to come by these days. I am in shock and very disillusioned. He does not seem to understand my angst over his having another child. I am also shocked at the number of people that continue to have (planned) children in marriages that are not happy. I left my marriage because I did not want to bring a child into an unhappy one. My head spins.....How do I even begin to heal from this?
He decided to go back and try again in his marriage about 3 months ago. I have just discovered that he and his wife are trying to have another child. He has told me things are better in his marriage, but mainly they want their daughter to have a sibling. He says that there is still no passion in the marriage and they have both agreed to live with that for the sake of their daughter. I am crushed. I find it hard to believe that he would do this right in front of me - have a child - we work together. I find it especially hard since he made many promises that he would not do this and I had the miscarriage only 1 year ago. I have been looking for another job, but jobs are hard to come by these days. I am in shock and very disillusioned. He does not seem to understand my angst over his having another child. I am also shocked at the number of people that continue to have (planned) children in marriages that are not happy. I left my marriage because I did not want to bring a child into an unhappy one. My head spins.....How do I even begin to heal from this?
Lostlt

If you want to look for another job to make it easier that's fine but I suggest trying to meet someone new to add happiness to your life again.
We are waiting for his kids to turn 18 then he says he's getting a divorce. We are both in "married for the kids" type marriages. It's been a long long road but his youngest is 14 now. 4 more yrs. is still a long ways off but we starting this when he was only 2. If he doesn't leave in 4 yrs. I will be looking elsewhere, that he can count on!
Good luck and I wish you the best!
Finally 2 years ago I decided that I would love another child and so we started trying. We've now had our lovely son and he finally broke it off with his OW and she in turn rang me and told me about the A. I have since found out that she knew we were trying for another baby and also when I got pregnant.
I'm just trying to explain that the H doesn't only lie to his W, I now know from reading some of these posts that my H was probably lying to his OW all along as well saying that he would leave me and it was a loveless marriage etc. When push came to shove and she forced his hand he stayed with me even though I had thrown him out and said I'd never take him back and she was begging him to go and live with her.
I'm sorry that you've put your life on hold for this man but please don't give up the chance of a happy life with your own children and a faithful husband for what could be just lies.
I am curious and if you do not mind sharing..... Are you glad that you know? Didn't it hurt you terribly that he did not tell you himself? I always told my MM that if his wife ever found out it would have to come from him. He always says that would only serve to relieve his guilt and would only tear his family apart. Recently, since I knew that they were trying to have another child, I had begun questioning him on that. I really thought that it was time for him to tell her of his affair if they were about to bring another child into the world. I felt that she deserved to know at that point. He immediately felt very threatened. He even said to me "What are you going to do when my daughter calls you when she is 20 years old to ask you why you broke up her family?" I thought that it was interesting that he did not include himself as part of the cause.
Have things worked out for you? It must have been terrible to find out after the birth of a new baby.
LostIt
Just to let you know how it has affected me: "I wish I was dead" rings in my ears at least 10 times a day, I have moments of such utter hatred, pain and anger that I feel like my head will explode and I'll die anyway - I hate feeling such negative thoughts but I can't control them. I have panic attacks where I have to pull over to the side of the road so I won't have an accident and my D sees me this way because I am unable to control them either. I feel totally inadequate and unlovable and doubt every moment of the last 6 years of my life. Every special occasion, every moment of my D's life is now tainted because I think of H in contact with OW at the time and I remember every minute he wasn't here spending time with us but was with her and I feel cheated. My milk dried up because I couldn't eat or drink for 3 weeks and therefore I had to stop breastfeeding my baby.
Make sure your OM is going to go to you afterwards if you are planning on telling his W because if your situation ends like mine, you won't get him but her life will be destroyed. I think it is his place to tell her like you said and if he chooses not to then he has to live with the guilt and pain, not her and that's how it should be.
I know you probably hate her just because she's with your OM but think clearly, remember that she knows nothing about you and therefore hasn't knowingly hurt you in any way.
Anyway, I hope you are able to read my message and feel some compassion for the W and realise that she's not the one who deserves to have her life destroyed.
Best wishes to everyone