Will I ever understand this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Will I ever understand this?
10
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 8:30pm
Hello. I am new to this board. Sadly, it has taken extreme emotional sadness for me to investigate and join. I am in individual counceling but have not had the advantage of sharing with others in my situation. I am 42 and have been in involved in an affair with a married man for 4 years. My experiences in my affair seem to be very similar to many of your experiences. He broke his relationship with me once a year (sometimes at my own urging) to try to repair his marriage. He came back each time and each time after trying my best to say "no", I became involved in the relationship again. We work together and that has been the hard part. My biggest request to him was that he not string me along because I really wanted a child. I did not want to waste possibly my last 4 fertile years. (I know, then I should not have been involved with a married man). He urged me to wait for him to have a child. Pleaded is a better description. He has a daughter of his own. Our affair began shortly after she was born. Naturally, during these 4 years, he has discovered that he loves being a father and he adores his daughter, as he should. I adored her also. That has been his battle. He could not bear to leave his daughter. I tried so hard to get him to see that I was not competing with his daughter. I agreed to move to wherever was necessary, should he divorce. Completely by accident, last year, I became pregnant. I miscarried after 3 months. It was a very painful awful experience.

He decided to go back and try again in his marriage about 3 months ago. I have just discovered that he and his wife are trying to have another child. He has told me things are better in his marriage, but mainly they want their daughter to have a sibling. He says that there is still no passion in the marriage and they have both agreed to live with that for the sake of their daughter. I am crushed. I find it hard to believe that he would do this right in front of me - have a child - we work together. I find it especially hard since he made many promises that he would not do this and I had the miscarriage only 1 year ago. I have been looking for another job, but jobs are hard to come by these days. I am in shock and very disillusioned. He does not seem to understand my angst over his having another child. I am also shocked at the number of people that continue to have (planned) children in marriages that are not happy. I left my marriage because I did not want to bring a child into an unhappy one. My head spins.....How do I even begin to heal from this?

Lostlt

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 9:53am
Hi, lostIt. I am so sorry about your miscarriage. I had one as well, about a year ago. Mine was earlier on than yours but it's never easy. I look back on my miscarriage as a timing thing, though. I wasn't truly ready to have a baby a year ago. MM has never asked me not to have a baby. He knows H adores me and would be a great father and that we'd make a great family. Early on when this first started, I put off trying to conceive because I honestly felt I had a future with MM. I never envisioned us having a child together, though...it seemed like he already had his family and I didn't want to make him go through all that again. I think, since you're nearing the end of your childbearing years and you're single now, you should work on moving on. This is just my opinion, of course, but you have to realize the decision is yours and you can't blame him. He's making a choice to have another child. Yes, children are brought into loveless marriages every day and maybe it's wrong, but it happens. These days the likelihood of a child growing up with two fully stable, fully loving parents who do everything 100% right is pretty darn slim. If you don't mess up their self-esteem you mess up their functionality in relationships or their ability to cope with various aspects of society or whatever. If you choose to wait by while they try to have a baby and maybe end up having a baby, then you have to recognize that you are making that choice and four years down the line, when it's too late for you, you have to take the blame for that. You can't blame him. If you choose to leave the EMA then you need to take some time to figure out what you want and eventually, you need to seek out a man who isn't married or otherwise unavailable. Or you can pursue having a baby on your own, which is a possibility. Whatever your choice, it doesn't sound like MM is going to come through for you in time for you to have a baby if that's what you want. Dating might be the cure for having to deal with seeing him every day. It's true you'll be comparing every man to him but what's to say you won't meet Mr. Right and fall in love and by the time MM has his baby, you won't even care anymore?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 1:43pm
I am so sorry about the situation you are dealing with. Although my story is somewhat different, I can relate to some of what is going on. I am 27, have been married for three years, and been involved with MM for five years. I met MM at work,we started the same day. We began with a simple friendship, and ended up in our A. MM and I broke up once during our time together. It was when I was pregnant with my daughter. H and I were dating at the time, and we ended up marrying after our daughter was born. When I returned to work, MM and I started up again. I have to explain that I love MM. More than life itself. In January of this year MM's W got pregnant. It was a unplanned pregnancy. He was trying not to have another child with her, but I guess it was just one of those things that happened. At the end of February, I got pregnant. I know that it was MM's because H and I hadn't been together since the end of January. I found out one day that I was pregnant, and the next that I lost it. It was devestating. I always wanted to have a baby with MM. To have a piece of him, in the event we ended everything. It's been seven months since my miscarriage, and it still hurts. I know that it won't be possible for us to be together now, but he's the type of man worth waiting for. We've decided to wait until the children are mostly grown. All I can say is that if he breraks it off every year to try to work thing s out with his W, and that it's been a pattern for four years, he's probably going to do it again. I know that it's hard, and you have to be completely sure of how you feel before you make a decision. It's not right for him to keep you waiting to have a baby. MM and I have discussed the fact that I want another child, and that I am steadfast of having one with him. I've told him, if I had to wait five years to be with him, then I could wait to have a baby. He told me he would never do that to me. The fact that it may be at least fifteen years until we can be together, is what troubles me. I don't want to wait that long. Good luck with your decision. I'll pray that things work out for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 1:49pm
When you found out you were pregnant initially and told MM, how did he react? I'm curious because I feel like that's something I'm going to have to deal with eventually and I'm not sure how it'll affect our R. I can't imagine we'll continue the A while I'm pregnant -- the guilt would probably be too much, and that's not even taking into account how I'll feel about it. But the feelings just don't die overnight and the fact remains that we work together and will have to see each other every day, pregnant or not. What I envision is us drifting back into friendship for the duration and then maybe pursuing things afterward, but who knows. Has anyone else gotten pregnant and had a baby and had the affair endure all that? I keep hoping that pregnancy will "cure" my addiction to him but I know life isn't quite that simple!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 7:48pm
I am 42 yrs. old also and I have been involved with a married man that I work with for over 10 yrs. Although things are good (under the circumstances),we have stopped seeing each other a few times for brief periods throughout the 10 yrs and I really do feel your pain. It is so hard when a relationship ends but to have to face them every day and act like everything is ok when you feel like your world is falling apart is the toughest thing to go thru.

If you want to look for another job to make it easier that's fine but I suggest trying to meet someone new to add happiness to your life again.

We are waiting for his kids to turn 18 then he says he's getting a divorce. We are both in "married for the kids" type marriages. It's been a long long road but his youngest is 14 now. 4 more yrs. is still a long ways off but we starting this when he was only 2. If he doesn't leave in 4 yrs. I will be looking elsewhere, that he can count on!

Good luck and I wish you the best!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 7:53pm
Hi - I'm not sure whether this is appropriate or not but I'm from the other side of the story. I've just found out that my H has been in an affair for 6 years, 6 months after our first daughter was born. Over the course of those 6 years I had no idea he was having an affair and wasn't even aware that there were problems with our marriage, in saying that I mean it certainly wasn't a loveless marriage. I was happy enough with 1 child but my H has always wanted another and often asked me to reconsider to make our family complete.

Finally 2 years ago I decided that I would love another child and so we started trying. We've now had our lovely son and he finally broke it off with his OW and she in turn rang me and told me about the A. I have since found out that she knew we were trying for another baby and also when I got pregnant.

I'm just trying to explain that the H doesn't only lie to his W, I now know from reading some of these posts that my H was probably lying to his OW all along as well saying that he would leave me and it was a loveless marriage etc. When push came to shove and she forced his hand he stayed with me even though I had thrown him out and said I'd never take him back and she was begging him to go and live with her.

I'm sorry that you've put your life on hold for this man but please don't give up the chance of a happy life with your own children and a faithful husband for what could be just lies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 10:08pm
Hi. It is really good to hear from the other side. I am glad that you wrote. I am finally understanding that the "illusion" goes both ways, except that there is no reason for you to think that it is an illusion because you are married to the man. You should have no reason to doubt him. It seems a common thread that many of the MM are saying things about their marriages that are not necessarily true. I used to ask my MM that all of the time. I would ask him if things were that bad then why did his wife want to stay? Its scary and sad because you do not know which person (the OW or W) gets to see the real man. Or perhaps the MM are geniunely unhappy, but have not had the courage to speak up. The wife does not even know about the level of unhappiness. That is unfair.

I am curious and if you do not mind sharing..... Are you glad that you know? Didn't it hurt you terribly that he did not tell you himself? I always told my MM that if his wife ever found out it would have to come from him. He always says that would only serve to relieve his guilt and would only tear his family apart. Recently, since I knew that they were trying to have another child, I had begun questioning him on that. I really thought that it was time for him to tell her of his affair if they were about to bring another child into the world. I felt that she deserved to know at that point. He immediately felt very threatened. He even said to me "What are you going to do when my daughter calls you when she is 20 years old to ask you why you broke up her family?" I thought that it was interesting that he did not include himself as part of the cause.

Have things worked out for you? It must have been terrible to find out after the birth of a new baby.

LostIt

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 3:56pm
MM knew I was pregnant before I did. It was weird how MM's W and I had our cycles around the same time. I was on birth control when it happened. When my cycle didn't arrive on time, he told me that I should take a test, and it came back positive. I know that it bothered him that he couldn't be there for me in the capacity that he wanted. He went to a few of my appointments with me, and was as happy as I was. I know that it still bothers him to this day that he can't be her daddy. H is a good father, but as far as being a good H, that's another story. I can see how much it bothers MM when I bring in pictures of her. He actually looks sad and says that he hates having to miss everything she does. I know that he loves me, and I understand that it would be extremely hard to get together right now. MM and I broke up once in our relationship. That was pretty much at the end of my pregnancy, to give me a chance to work things out with H. By the time I was back to work, we were on our way to being togethr again. It's hard, but we've made it these five years. I still think that our relationship has gotten stronger in the past few years, and have gotten no negative signs from him. I want to ahve another baby, and I'm honestly praying that it will be MM's. Good Luck with everything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
Sat, 10-25-2003 - 6:19am
Sometimes I'm glad I know because if I didn't know there would be the chance that the A would have continued and even if it didn't H would carry the guilt and burden around forever and it would ultimately destroy our M anyway. Other times, I wish I never knew because now he has had the weight lifted off his shoulders (his words) and OW is able to get on with her life and I'm the one that has to carry the pain and anguish around with me for the rest of my life. I'm now the one that has to decide whether my children are going to grow up with their father a big part of their lives or without his support for most of the time. It's certainly a nice easy way for the two of them to get it off their chests.

Just to let you know how it has affected me: "I wish I was dead" rings in my ears at least 10 times a day, I have moments of such utter hatred, pain and anger that I feel like my head will explode and I'll die anyway - I hate feeling such negative thoughts but I can't control them. I have panic attacks where I have to pull over to the side of the road so I won't have an accident and my D sees me this way because I am unable to control them either. I feel totally inadequate and unlovable and doubt every moment of the last 6 years of my life. Every special occasion, every moment of my D's life is now tainted because I think of H in contact with OW at the time and I remember every minute he wasn't here spending time with us but was with her and I feel cheated. My milk dried up because I couldn't eat or drink for 3 weeks and therefore I had to stop breastfeeding my baby.

Make sure your OM is going to go to you afterwards if you are planning on telling his W because if your situation ends like mine, you won't get him but her life will be destroyed. I think it is his place to tell her like you said and if he chooses not to then he has to live with the guilt and pain, not her and that's how it should be.

I know you probably hate her just because she's with your OM but think clearly, remember that she knows nothing about you and therefore hasn't knowingly hurt you in any way.

Anyway, I hope you are able to read my message and feel some compassion for the W and realise that she's not the one who deserves to have her life destroyed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sat, 10-25-2003 - 8:05am
hello gabby6years try be nice about this but please don't post here anymore ok.l know trying to help but if go over to you board ladies won't be very nice to us. sorry your H had affair hope things get better for you. thanks
kimmy
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
Sat, 10-25-2003 - 7:35pm
English Rose - thanx for your message and you're right. I am sorry for venturing over here. Honestly did think I could help give a different perspective but I know now that's not helpful at all to you. I'm truly sorry LostIt I hope I haven't hurt you in any way because I know you're hurting already. Will no longer even lurk here. I hope you're able to sort everything out and end up very happy and fulfilled.

Best wishes to everyone