Will you discuss As with your children?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Will you discuss As with your children?
8
Sun, 02-01-2004 - 4:09pm
I don't mean your personal affair or having been betrayed by a spouse, but will you discuss affairs in general with your children when talking about sex, relationships, love, marriage, etc.?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sun, 02-01-2004 - 6:32pm
Yes, I always have, in the abstract. Their grandfather is married to the last in a long line of mistresses. I figure that someday, they are going to find that out and the foundation needs to be laid to NOT hate their step-grandmother based on that one fact.

What I've always said is that affairs are *symptoms* of a troubled marriage and rarely the cause of the problems. I've said that sometimes, people stay married out of a sense of duty. I've said that sometimes love is badly timed.

Now I'm glad I've laid that foundation, in case SO and I take this to the next level ever and the older kids put two and two together and realize we've been together since before the divorce.

Lucky

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Sun, 02-01-2004 - 10:53pm
i too wonder how i will explain things. i know i do want to talk about A's in general. My MM may end up with me but either way he's going to be "around" for a long time and pretty soon my dd is going to be asking questions (she's four now and he doesn't really see her very much although she knows him and likes him, he babysits for me once in a great while and she knows his daughter a little - teenager). But i can't have her talking about this with my family who i am close with. i don't want to encourage her to LIE.... i'm at a loss over the whole thing. i hope she won't ask for awhile since she doesn't see him that much right now. Anyone else in similar circumstances??

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sun, 02-01-2004 - 11:15pm
Hi

My 16 year old daughter and I have discussed A's in general due to the fact that my sister was involved in one at the time. My D feels that MW involved in A's are skanky.. if only she knew that she was grouping her mom in that category. I have tried to get her to look at the possibility that there are factors involved that she does may not be aware of.

SB

 Seeburg    

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 1:29am
This is a tough question. I generally don't go there with my 'fairly grown' kids (18 & 20). My daughter was talking about an ex-boyfriend who had cheated on her, and her opinion of him was pretty low because of it. Instead, I have tried to talk with my kids about troubled marriages and that sometimes it is better to leave a bad situation, than to stay. I guess I am trying to pave the way now in the event that I leave their dad and MM and I end up together (something we have talked about doing in a few years, when his DD graduates). I also worry about my kids accepting him (and vice-versa), but that is something that we will have to deal with when the time comes. I really do not want my kids to ever know how or when MM and I got together. Some things are better left unsaid.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 10:08am
No way, cat. There are somethings left unsaid, however commonplace they may seem in our lives.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 10:26am

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 10:44pm

I don't think I will discuss affairs as a subject with my children... but I want them both to know... both son and daughter... that they will be able to come and talk to me about anything... and I mean anything! and that I will be non judgemental and that I will be there for them... through everything... no matter what it is.


Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 1:11am
I decided some time ago that I wanted my kids to be "street smart". As they get older I realise it's easier to be open with them than I thought it would be.

I will discuss A's with my children - because I don't want them to go into a marriage and not realize the possibility, to know that it takes constant care and maintenance from both sides to nurture a changing marriage...and that people change and not necessarily in the same manner. I want them to see the whole picture, and not just the nicely painted picture of "first come loves, then comes marriage", etc.

As I've thought about it over the weekend, it's amazing how the opportunity has presented itself, alot! I'll wait yet, because it's too soon since stbxH and I have seperated (lol, and since he is with OW, I don't want to cause an effect in the childrens' relationship with stbxH or his GF).

I don't know if I would feel differently had I not been a BS, or in an A myself - I don't think I would have realised how prevalant A's are. I wonder how statistics would change if people were open to discussing it more; take for example teen pregnancy - in the not-so-distant past if a young girl became pregnant it was hush-hush, but now that society talks about it (and more actively deals with it), the statistics are down.

Thanks for your replies, girls, and for allowing me to think aloud. Have a great week!

Meow