Willing to take your advises!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Willing to take your advises!!
2
Thu, 08-28-2003 - 10:55pm
Thanks for reading my post i will try to be very brief and go straight to the point i am willing to take your advises but i really need your honest opinions "Help me Please...

I have been married for over 8 years now my husband is 3 years younger than me. and we have 2 Children...Well i love my kids and husband i really do however i have totaly lost respect for my husband and so has he but in these 8 years that we have been married we have gone through some really hard times we have gotten in big arguements that have resulted in abuse he has hit me leaving me visible bruises in my body (never in my face)well anyways hes very possesive and jeleous he swears that i am the love of his life and that noone would ever take me away from him. he has allways been very possesive as to when i go anywhwere even to the market i have him allways checking in calling me on my cell.. well to make a long story short for the past 3 months i have been living a double life i met this guy on-line and after a couple e-mail exchanges we decided to meet and i can tell in his eyes that since the first we saw eachother we "Fell in love" after having a couple on breakfast, lunches together we decided to sleep with eachother but guess what???(He's also married)and well hes going through the same things as me his wife is also the possesive,Jeleous type the thing is that well we talk everyday,every single day and we allways say "I love you to eachother like over 100 times a day" he tells me how he never thought that he could ever fall for in love for someone else and well i say the same especially after only 3 months we are like really nice to eachother we go to public places to grab a bit to eat and we act like we don't care he allways tells me that i am tooo much for him that im tooo sweat and nice that i am the oppiste to his wife. everytime that we are together i try to make it special and it allways works for both of us..

""""But now i am starting to get that guilt trip i am feeling bad for my husband and also for his wife also.. But i love him sooooo much that i really do not want to let go of this dream that i am going through with him but just to think how my husband is at times with me... i really rather keep going until we can get away with it.."he tells me not to leave him but seriously i am tottaly confused i want to but i know its going to hurt bopth of us maybe me more cause i am seriously in love with him but i rather do it now before we get caught together or even seen by anyone i just can't can't can't my husband is kinda wondering why i do not want to make love to him as often well i try not to make love to him 2 days before or 2 days after i am with my other 1/2.....

I know i sound like a B**** but really i am not its just that i feel so different with one and the other(I must admit my husband is good looking and so is my other 1/2 but at this point looks dont even matter as much to either of us.

please help me though i need to make a fast decission should i stay for how my husband treats me or should i just walk away from him knowing hes also unhappilly married???????????????????????????????
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-29-2003 - 2:21am
Hi Marubaby, and welcome to the board!

I've BTDT (been there, done that) - my stbxH (soon to be ex husband) was also abusive to me. Controlling, instrusive, disrespectful, physical and mental abuse, yadda yadda yadda. Been M (married) 20+ years, and frankly he was that way in the beginning (though it got worse as the years wore on). But you know, I *allowed* it - I allowed him to disrespect me, I allowed myself to feel a victim, and I allowed it to effect my self-esteem. Now I realise it's stbxH's problems, his own insecurities. We are D'ing (divorcing) and he Still tries to control me (and he asked for the D!). Sheesh, get a life stbxH, lol (laughing out loud).

And, the guy I'm seeing is M (married) with a W (wife) with her own insecurities. MM (married man) is quite different then stbxH, and I knew I loved him, too, after about three months. But, was it for the situation (someone who treated me *better*), or for the man himself? I'm still struggling with that some. Think about it yourself - which is it for you?

If I were you, I'd be careful. Careful that you are not caught with your MM - what would H do to you? And, careful you don't get too wrapped up with your MM to do what is best for you. Don't lose yourself with either H or MM.

I ddon't know if you are thinking this way, but I don't think you can make a decision to stay with one guy or the other. You have to make a decision based on what *you* will be happy with. What if you stay with H, and things don't change (even if he or you both go to counselling)? What if you leave H, to be with MM, and he doesn't leave his M (marriage)? You can't base your life on other's actions, because they won't necessarily act in the way you would wish.

You asked, "should i stay for how my husband treats me or should i just walk away from him knowing hes also unhappilly married"...Why in the world would you ask if you should stay with H for the way he treats you - do you mean you would stay for the abuse and jealousy and control? Sorry, don't mean to be hard, but that's how I read what you wrote.

I don't know that you need to make a decision right now if you still love H (though I'm sure others are going to post to get away from H NOW before the abuse gets worse). Have you talked with H in how he treats you - have you come to terms with how you allow it? Maybe some counselling for yourself first will help - and definitely your H should get counselling if he doesn't see how he is, though he will only make a change if he really wants to - that is, if he really loves himself, and you.

Again I'm going to sound hard...but you can't make decisions for yourself based on someone else's emotions (whether they will be hurt or not) - that is putting someone else first before you. You are number one in your life (yup, even before your children) - cause you have to ensure our own healthy balance and happiness to have healthy relationships (any type of relationship).

Whatever you decide, I hope you keep us posted on how you are doing.

Hugs,

Meow





iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Fri, 08-29-2003 - 11:04am
Thanks for your advise "meow" its nice to hear your feedback, unfortunetly yes i am so very confused i have thought about this soo many times that i yet do not know what to do seriously its like soo confusing last night i talked to my "MM" and i told him how it would be better for us not to see eachother so often and he says that he really needs me in his life and he says he also knows that i need him in mine (i agree)but i did not tell him that of course well my "H" is so far comming along well we did have a relly harsh talk about 2 weeks ago i told him that i was reallu unhappy and that i wanted to get separated for a while to get my thoughts together and see what direction i wouls wanna take and he plead and begged not to do that.,that he would change and just blabbed on how he would make things better he has started to act different but you see it has come to the point that i dont even want to kiss him anymore his smell,his taste anything and everything about him bothers me and im just like euhhhhhhhhhhh and to be honest with you my "H" is very clean cut allways smells good and looks good he must because of his job position but anyways...i don't know i agree that am i with my "MM" cause of my situation or because i really love him for him??? (you are good meow..)

well thanks a million and if you have any other suggestions please feel free to tell me im just so overlywell confused another thing that i forgot to mention this weekend is my "MM" birthday and guess what he spending it with his "W" ALL,ALL NEXT all week so i wont see him all next week maybe i should use this time to see if i seriously need him huh...

Thanks a million,

Marubaby