Wise decisions??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Wise decisions??
12
Thu, 01-14-2010 - 10:27am

Most of us on the board didnt go looking for an A but found ourselves in one and realized later that what we had was an A !! We didnt 'choose' our AP ,so to speak.So now the question is, do you or AP has more to lose if things go bad?
Its always a wise decision to have an AP who has more to lose than you but since we didnt chose our AP to begin with,so how could we go looking into that aspect,if i am making sense?
Between a MW and MM ,both have equal stuff at stake but the seriousness of this angle comes into play when one is M and the other is S.
What do SW with MM and MW with SG have to say about this? Who has more at stake? Do yoiu have any plan for damage control? or do you just trust your AP enough?

I am a SW with MM and have nothing to lose.He has and we had a DDay as well but he still continues to be with me ( to which i have no problems)and we have no plans to end it.I would never in a million years tell on his W that we are continuing even though she believes we are done.I wouldnt tell anyone who doesnt need to know.I do realize that he has kids and the A could ruin them if it became the talk of the town.He trusts me on that.

Do you believe its a wise decision to have an A being the S one?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2009
Thu, 01-14-2010 - 11:40am

lovingdoll...


I am a recently D SW with a MM as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2009
Thu, 01-14-2010 - 12:10pm

My AP and I are both M and have children, so we have about the same to lose.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Thu, 01-14-2010 - 12:16pm

Yes, I also did not go looking for an A.

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Thu, 01-14-2010 - 1:10pm

It feels like i am reading my own A when i read the responses.They are so very similar.
MM and I having a RL relationship was a step which we did take a year into the A.I wont go into very detail for fear of his W reading on here.Just a vague idea tho- MM was into process of getting D,she wanted it but we were caught in the most terrible way and then she backed off from D! She then wanted to 'work' on her M ,blah,blah,blah.A lot has happened since then.MM may or may not leave any time soon ( that could be even another 5 years from now or never.
But it works for me.I tried dating,it sucks big time.MM knew when i went out,i didnt hide from him.But i always came back to him and now i dont see anyone.His ring on me tells me everytime that i am taken(however naive it sounds!)
So yeah, MM is my secret and will go to grave.He is well known among the small comunity we are in and i am not so taking care of his image is my duty.He is not a serial cheater or anything of the sort,so his kids dont have to bear the label their dad might get if the word is spread.
Its of upmost importance to me because if something happens,i will lose him forever and he will hate me for it and i wont be able to bear that.so yeah,my mouth is shut on this for anyone.

I guess,MW with SM have more trouble in the making,IMO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
Thu, 01-14-2010 - 1:33pm

I'm S and AP is M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2008
Thu, 01-14-2010 - 2:37pm

I havent been here for a loong time,so,hello!! Lots of new members and i could recognize only you :)

If i remember correctly,loving,didnt your MM tell some of his friends as well about the A? I am sorry if i am wrong and taking your thread off topic.I ask this as this could really affect the hiding part for obvious reasons.You never know who talks to whom.

(( hugs ))

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Thu, 01-14-2010 - 2:54pm

((( hugs )))) funky!!!!

I myself have been on/off on the board for long.When all is well with MM,i rarely need to come here ( sorry,MAS !!) but i pop in occasionally to post.
You are right.My MM did tell 2 of his friends long time ago.They all were ( are) very good friends but after our DDay,we gave them the impression that we are sincerely done.It was after a long thought to safeguard the interests of all involved.When we were caught,everyone,i mean-- his W and his friends,were made to believe that we are no longer seeing each other even tho we still work together in the same office.Its very very hard.
He did make a mistake of sharing it with them but when we started over,we had to make changes as second time around,we knew better.

Good to hear from you as i dont see many old members on board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2008
Fri, 01-15-2010 - 8:04am

Frequenting this board reminds me of my days when i made huge mistakes,lol.they were serious ones though.one was that i told a few too many people about my a.some broke ties ( no regrets till date ),some bad mouthed me( i wouldnt allow ANYONe to do that about her ),some had to accept.but my blunder came when someone told someone.we broke off superficially.it would have been a disaster if someone had pointed a finger on my mw and do what you call here ,label.she is just a woman like many others and we fell in love and the arrangement works for us.she is not a serial one or a loose woman,no way.to break on the surface was kind of damage control.its very easy for people to point at the woman so it was like you said,my job to not let that happen.people forget quicly ,they just want to gossip but not at someone else cost and if that happens to be your love.
this was kind of a turning point.no one knew except one friend and family, we gave up our pa and became long term partners.pa lasted for 3 years and ea forever now.
i would advice that if you want a long term,dont tell anyone.there are pay as you go phones, false emails ,etc.to keep in touch if you have to go in hiding before hiding fr good.

i would say single people do have to lose if they truely love their ap.they lose them while m people stand to lose family.otoh,if singl guy walks away,mw pay for it ,sadly.i guess each situatio is unique.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Fri, 01-15-2010 - 2:39pm

I was the one that

“"Truer words were never spoken -" Ah, but true words leave hearts broken! Truth is only for the wise - Lovers ought to stick to lies”

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Fri, 01-22-2010 - 2:10pm

fullhalfquarter,

Its nice to read your story.You really seem are an exception as I've never seen any SM so dedicated to his AP.Lucky woman! but I am sure it was a long road before you reached this point of contentment and it does seem worth it for you:)
Being single in an A is very hard as I am seeing this for myself but my AP is worth it and I cant let him go at any cost.I want to look back after years and be happy with my decision and not regret!

Thanks for your post!!

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