Wish I could Compartmentalize More
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| Wed, 04-21-2004 - 9:12pm |
I went into this A willingly with no expectations. It's turned out to be much more of a "relationship" than I had originally imagined. I thought at first that we'd meet up maybe every couple weeks or so and not talk a whole lot. Well, we still only meet every couple weeks because we both have busy schedules, but we talk every day at least once.
Sometimes I wish that if it were only about sex, he'd not call so much. Because we do talk pretty much every day, often more than once per day, I'm always thinking about when he's going to call next, and what I'm going to talk about. I'm always fretting about what I'm going to talk about because we do tend to stay with the chit-chat daily stuff, nothing too deep, and nothing talking about the relationship itself. But it often does touch on things happening in our lives that are deeply emotional, and I never know what questions I should or shouldn't ask.
I really enjoy my relationship as it is. I think it is pretty ideal as far as As go: we never ask more of each other than we can give, no guilt issues have come up, we never have had NC, etc. but I am so tired of stuff going through my mind all day long!
And boy, it sure is hard to deal with something being on the forefront of your mind when you cant tell others' about it (except here, of course!).

I went into this relationship expecting nothing also, but ended up with my emotions involved too. I think about him all the time even if it's in the back of my mind. I'm jealous you get to talk freely everyday. Sometime I think it's harder to work together because he treats me like everyone else or plays "unfavorites" with me so people don't suspect anything. All I can think about is taking him by the hand to our sleeping quarters and...well you know. :-) But unfortunatly there are usually other crew members around. And to top it off...I'm friends with his W. I don't feel bad having an A with her H. She's made it very clear while chatting with me she's only in it for the checkbook and can't stand having sex w/him. I don't understand, because we have the most incredible sex! Oh well her loss, my gain.
Nobody knows about our A. I've thought about telling my best friend, but I don't think she would understand. She has the "Husband of the Year" and doesn't understand how unhappy I am with my H. I'm glad this message board is here. I don't post very often, but it's reassuring to read that other people are feeling and going through the same thing.
One suggestion...you might start a journal. I started one on my computer saved on a disk so no one will find it. It's helps to write about the good and bad times. I like going back and reading entries from the beginning. We acted like teenagers sometimes. I can't believe I snuck into his house one night!
Good luck
maybe not talking with him everyday would make it easier. I know in my situation, we get together once sometimes twice a week. It's been happening alot lately of twice a week. Sometimes I think it would make it easier for us if we only seen each other like 3 times a month, but then I would go into a depressing stage, like he controls my emotions if I don't talk or see him. It's totally weird.
Having him on your mind is completly normal. And I know what you mean about not being able to tell others. LOL.. when I just get done with him, I usually have to go to work and he knows the people I work with.. It's just a naughty feeling when I was with him and they know him..
I know talking to him everyday and about the little things, would make it hard on me too. I'm glad that we don't talk everyday. of course we only talk about what we want to do with each other anyway..
maybe you should tell him not to call so much, it would make it easier..
i know I didn't help much, but just wanted to post..lol
take care
chris
I don't see my mm everyday nor do I talk to him everyday. We "see" each other about twice a month. I said "see" because we run into each other a lot more. I find that when I DON'T see him for a week or more (with only my eyes or anyother way ;) ) I am not as consumed with him. I do however think about him most of the time if I am not real busy. He is always the first thing on my mind and the last thing I think about before I drift off to sleep.
If we talked everyday and hooked up every week I would be totally consumed with being with him again. As it is usally just after my period (sorry guys) I want him more than ever and I get a lot more agressive. He knows why and loves it. I think the last week of my cycle when I calm down gives us both that space that helps keep us from being obsessed. I do wish sometimes we would communicate more, there are times where we don't even speak for a week. He thinks anything other than a live phone convo is too risky. At the same time I guess after reading how intense some of these A's can get, I feel better the way things are between us. We have absoulutely the best time when we finally hook up after a two or three week draught!
If you are the one initiating all the contact... slow it down just a bit and see if that helps
deedee
I have to tell you women: as men, we are hopelessly confused. We don't mean to be, and it's not a sign of being stupid, it's just that we don't know what to do most of the time. Often we tend to learn to deal with only what's directly in front of us so we reduce our chances of looking dumb.
We keep emotions quiet because we're mostly trained to as children; boys don't cry. Then we find out there are these wonderful, sexy, sensual women who are very interested in sensitive, communicating men.
But again a caveat: it's usually only if we (as men) don't come off too vulnerable; no woman wants a wuss for a date. Cry at funerals, you're sensitive. Cry at Joy Luck Club, you're a wuss. Lots of us never really know how sensitive or how open is the right amount to attract the woman we're interested in. We don't understand why beautiful women date misogynistic pigs, but they do, and they do so in *droves.* With an very incomplete understanding of what women want, sharing ourselves starts to look like a very bad idea.
Too much openness might mean any future rejection is actually a rejection of the real us, not a rejection of whatever stud role we're playing or persona we're putting out there. And then what would we do? Tell our male friends? Cry on their shoulders? Machismo is not dead yet, folks. In the face of other men, we are only too happy to slather it on like cheap cologne.
Not saying being a woman is easier, because I think being a woman is much harder. I'm just saying as men (especially the thinking ones) we live in confusion over the right way to act and the right thing to say.
rain
I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. You seem to have found just the right blend of strong and sensitive.
Here's what most of the women I know want: We want someone who is strong. He should be willing and able to slay the saber-tooth at the door of the cave. He should be willing and able to bring home the game and have it cleaned for the table.
He should be strong enough to be gentle. We need to know that all that strength is for us, and will never be used against us.
He should be strong enough to admit he has emotions and to show them, and to laugh at the gods and fools who try to tell him not to share them.
He should cradle an infant, caress his love, cry with a hurting friend, cut up with the group, cull the herd, and call on all of us to be better than we were before we knew him.
Simple, huh?
::grins::
And you ask me why I love my MM? He _does_. And I'll bet your love would agree that you do, as well.
Cazrida
Edited 4/23/2004 7:55 pm ET ET by cazrida
Edited 4/23/2004 7:56 pm ET ET by cazrida
He controlled our R from beginning to end.
At one point (near the beginning) he tried to call things off. I didn't work! We had started off meeting once a week, for coffee. The coffee breaks, lunch breaks, became an obsession for both of us. I'm not speaking for him, but I couldn't get him out of my head - and I told him that.
We then began finding excuses to meet on a daily basis. even if we didn't really have time for it. If we could just meet somewhere, even for 10 minutes, just to see each other, have a smooch or two. As much as we both loved it, it became consuming. I mean, we had to make excuses to leave work, then we would see each other, and it would be like "okay, I only have a few minutes, but..."
On top of that, there is the email. I would find myself waiting to see that little white envelope at the bottom of my screen. He admitted he did the same.
It (the A) becomes an addiction of sorts. It's not healthy, because as soon as you don't see the white envelope or get the phone call, you (me) start obsessing about the reasons why.
We broke up, and then got back together 6 weeks later. It was agreed that we wouldn't let the R get to the point that it had been at. We wouldn't see each other every day. Instead, we made the rule that "once a week" would be the limit. However, the emails continued. There would always be something, "Red, good morning", or "Babe, hope your having a great day". Continual contact to keep the fires burning. And then of course, the sexual fantasy emails that would have us urning for our next face to face encounter.
I agree with deedee, and wish that maybe I had that type of A. The all consuming mind thinking, becomes exhausting. And, I believe prevents us from living our "everyday" lives. How can we concentrate on work, H, children - when all we do is think about OP.
I know that this was "our" problem. And then when it ends, cause that much more hurt and sorrow because not only do you have to mourn the loss of a wonderful R, you have to get used to not having that daily contact - it's difficult not to look for that white envelope (believe me), and it's hard not to be disappointed when it doesn't appear. Even more disappointing is when it appears, but the correspondence isn't from the person you want it to be from!!!
Hmmmm, I wonder if he is doing or going through the same thing. I would like to think "Yes he is", but then again, I don't wish this pain upon anyone, especially someone I love so much.
Just my thoughts
Take care
Red
I would say both MM and I come on strong to each other. We both match phone call to phone call, message to message. It's such a great balance...neither of us seem to ask more of the other than we can give. The times we are together are so deliciously sweet...
It's that perfectly orchestrated dance, where as soon as I feel blue and think I need to just give up this craziness, he leaves a sweet message, or, even better, get to meet somewhere discreet...
Yet it is those down times in-between that make me feel so blue. But really, I can't complain about my situation. We don't get to see each other in person much, but we usually try to call each other in our "down time"--going to work, lunch, coming home. The times where we hope to catch each other privately. But often it doesn't work out perfectly, with work schedule changes, stuff going on in life, you know--every day things.
But he stays and stays on my mind.
And of course, I still want my MM in my life.
Thx Red for your great words-
V .