Wish I could deal.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2008
Wish I could deal.....
5
Tue, 10-14-2008 - 7:07pm
I am new here so Hello. I am a MW who is separated from my H for about 6 months. I have not filed for the big D being I am still very confused. I think I still love my H however, I just don't know. We have 2 young children together and our relationship hasn't always been the best. He ignored me for a long time and when I had enough... I told him to go. Well, within our separation, I met someone else and the chemistry is HOT! Something I never felt for my H even when we were dating. (yes... not sure sometimes why we married.) I know security has a lot to do with it and a lot to do with me not filing I think. Anyway, my A has confessed his love to me and we hang out ALL the time. Work, fun, etc. However, my H knows nothing of him. And my A thinks I have filed. Yes, my life is a complete lie and now I have no idea what to do. I hate myself for this.
My H and I have tried counseling. I don't care for the person. And don't feel that he is good. Needless to say, I am just a bunch of nerves and cant figure out what I want. Materialistically, if I stay with my H we will move back in together and get a beautiful house and I could get whatever really I want. However, I am not thinking I am in love with him anymore. It went awhile ago when I had to numb myself to the fact he wasn't around. Now he has changed at least I think so but I am to scared to move on with him and go right back to where we started. On the other hand, here I am seeing myself fall in love with my A.
So do I give up all my security and whatnot to go for something I am so unsure of as well and have to do it all on my own? I don't know if I can do it alone. Or do I hurt someone I feel I do truly love and stay in my marriage. I am so confused and have no idea if I even explained it all. I hope someone can shed some light on it. I sure have no clue and am digging myself deeper every day. Thanks for reading!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 4:28pm

Hi Panda and welcome to the board.


Sorry - it looks like your post got shoved to page two before anyone had a chance to reply.

lightning in my heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2008
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 7:57pm
panda i think you are so unsure about your choices that right now perhaps you should take this separation..this time--to focus on you and figure out what you truly feel/need to be happy...i am with tgr--money does not bring happiness nor a beautiful home...all material items lose the luster next to real love...so love yourself right now, and take time before you make any decision...good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 8:44pm

Hi Panda


It seems you have gotten yourself somewhat in a pickle.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2008
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 10:00pm

Hi Panda,


I think you have already been given some great advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2008
Fri, 10-17-2008 - 2:57am

Hi Panda! I read your story, and you have put yourself in a tough spot, but it will be OK.

I too think that these ladies have given you some great advise (I think tgr is so sweet!). I am also w/ them on the money issue. I heard a quote once that said "When you marry for money, you earn every penny." To me that means that yeah you'll have money, but you will pay on an emotional level. It's hard to pretend that your happy w/ someone. When I was w/ my XH, I couldn't stand to look at him. I felt so free after he was gone, because I didn't have to pretend anymore. I could be me. It was quite liberating, and I am afraid that you will feel the same way as time goes on.

As far as HOT chemistry, well it's AWESOME while it's hot, but after awhile you have to work to keep it that way. You have to be open minded, and thoughtful of your mates desires. Even then it's never quite the same as in the beginning. Wheew, could I tell you a few stories... let me stop, anyway back to the task at hand.

Before I go confessing to either guy I think I would try to pick the one I wanted first, and then deal w/ him on the honesty thing. There is no sense hurting both of them, or making both of them mad at you. That could be bad. If your H finds out about AP he may go nuts. Tell the kids bad things about you. You never know what someones reaction is going to be. On the other hand if AP finds out you lied he may end it or worse, tell H about himself. I mean those are extreme examples of what can happen. I just thought I'd throw that out there.

Of course only you know which one will be the lucky one. Try doing this. Get a piece of paper, and draw a line down the middle. Write H's name on one side, and AP's on the other. List all their good qualities under each name respectively. Which ever has the most qualities that you are looking for is the winner. Sometimes seeing things in black and white can help you visualize better, and therefore help you decide who you want to be with. It's worth a try.

I hope that you can figure out what it is that you want, and that you find happiness. I mean that is what it's about, the pursuit of happiness, right?