Withdrawal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2010
Withdrawal
6
Wed, 03-17-2010 - 3:02pm

Here's the deal: Married 17 years, been together 20, two kids.

In January my wife confessed an 18 month affair. The two would meet for lunch, share emails and in the course of the affair met for sex about 20 times. My wife says she would have been happy with a cyber affair.

Long story short, the affair was an addiction to affirmation. They both made each other feel really good about themselves where otherwise they both felt unhappiness in themselves and their personal accomplishments. (Both are in their forties, by the way.)

But the affair is over. My wife ended it and decided to tell me about it. We went through some pretty intense emotions for a while but the dust has settled.

She loves me, wants to spend the rest of her life with me. There are no residual feelings for him. Yet, she tells me that the idea of sex is physically unattractive to her right now and wants space to understand what that means, what the affair meant, and why, even though she has no desire to return to him, she can't seem to get him out of her head (is he ok, how is his marriage, what is he doing, etc.) I believe this is withdrawal from her addiction.

Now here is my quandary:

What exactly goes through your mind during withdrawal and is there a strong chance that - even though the illusion, the fantasy, has been shattered - she will find herself at some point returning to him simply out of habit?

Thanks,

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
In reply to: paris2112
Wed, 03-17-2010 - 3:28pm
First let me say that you are a really understanding H. She's lucky to have that. The reason your W is having a hard time reconnecting with you is because she totally disengaged from your M while having her A. Women are different (most of us anyway). We can't compartmentalize as much as men. If you want your M to work I strongly suggest you get into MC and that your W gets into IC to determine why she stepped outside of your M. You can't fix this on your own and I encourage you not to try. You also should really try to find out how you can win your W back. You might get more responses on the All Sides Board than MAS.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
In reply to: paris2112
Wed, 03-17-2010 - 6:05pm

i agree.. MC is a must.. though, when needed, women compartmentilize as much as men do..i know this first hand..
however, there is another angle here, that may come out in MC, that she is not completely truthful with you in terms of where she stands with him.. she may not know it or admit to it herself.. if she is even thinking a little about him, the A is not settled yet with her.. or even with him.. 18 months is a long time.. they may still be in C.
the main reason she wouldn't want to be intimate with you is that.. she doesn't want to..only she knows the real reason why and you need to find that out thru MC..
where you are is a very tough situation.. there is no "winning her back" in my opinion, just the opposite, she should show you she deserves you.. she's the one who failed here.. and continues to fail.. yet, you are expected to carry her load.. doesn't sound right..

best of luck..

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2008
In reply to: paris2112
Thu, 03-18-2010 - 8:53pm

She needs to figure out what needs her aP met and how to get those needs met in a healthy way.

For example - I used to be thrilled by the many txts I would share w/ my AP. My H is not good on the phone but now sends me a txt every morning full of love or encouragement. I am thrilled by my H now. I loved the way my AP was very protective and thoughtful of me . . . I now let my H open doors for me and care for me and I tell him how much it means to me.

Our M was saved by 3 mths of MC - and the fact that my H cared enough to change his ways.the really great thing about your marriage seems to be the communication - build on that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: paris2112
Fri, 03-19-2010 - 1:10pm

Paris, I just wanted to chime in. First off, you sound like an incredibly secure, caring and loving person to be so concerned about your W and your willingness to find answers that will help you help her. Kudos to you for that.


I'm certain your W would benefit from some IC and you would both benefit from MC. Yes, in some cases it takes a very, very long time to get over an A, whether the A was a fantasy (and they all are, really) or something deeper; whether it went on for

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2010
In reply to: paris2112
Fri, 03-19-2010 - 3:46pm

Thanks to all. Interestingly W and I had IC like mad rabbits for about two months after DDay, but things got weird when I decided to talk to the AP. I needed to be real to him and also to forgive him in order to get him out of my head. I believe confronting him(with an email he sent to her saying, "Can we talk?" which she gave me, thus betraying her AP) really, truly ended the A for both of them.

They did eventually talk for closure's sake a week later which she described as really depressing, but since then she has been in withdrawal (mourning?).

We are in individual C, MC, and talk all the time. But she is (and taking full responsibility for her actions) really trying to understand herself, her needs, and why she would do this.

Meanwhile I'm asked to wait it all out. I'm not sure I'm that strong and am already gaining an eye toward a more emotionally supportive life.

I'll check out that other forum. Thanks for that.

Paris.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2009
In reply to: paris2112
Fri, 03-19-2010 - 10:02pm

Oh my...I had to double-check and make sure there wasn't a chance that you were my husband.