Wondering about...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wondering about...
12
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 12:08pm
When you say number one rule is deny, Deny, deny, does it mean sending peace order to mess up other peoples lives? Esp when you sweart that you "love them" Is it OK to take denial to that level? What you all think? I need opinions here.


BTW I didn;t know he had his gf when I called him. He very conviniently forget to tell me that. I thought that bit of info might be important.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 5:28pm
Any input would be appreciated. Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 9:13pm
bump
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 10:24pm
OK

I don't know your story, but I think a peace order would speak loud and clear to me. Are you in an A with this man.

Is it that you think he brought the peace order against you in order to hide his R with you? Are you being used as a scapegoat for the benefit of the GF.

The fact that he "conveniently" forgot to tell you about the GF, also would speak volumes to me about his character.

I'm sorry, but if you would like a more objective opinion, could you please give a few more details.

Take care

Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 6:17am
Thanks Bella. I was lookng for the answer you have given me. I posted here because he wants us to get back together. I don't know, I would have to be stupid to get back with him after all this history behind us. Don't you think? I mean, I can have only so much patience to take the crap he dishes out. Plus I alredy have a bad R with H so why bother to have an A? Would you do it if you were in my position Bella?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 8:33am
He wants you to get back together, yet he has you served with a peace order?

No, I wouldn't do it!

You said yourself, you are in a bad R with your H. Right or wrong, the reason many of us enter in EMA is to make us feel good (even though the low points of an A can be devastating) - apparently you're not feeling too good as the moment!

Also, I question his sincerity toward you, given that he neglected to tell you that he was already in a R. This is the classic example of someone "wanting their cake and eating it too". We all have our own decisions to make, but when we are purposely left in the dark, especially something as important as a GF in the picture, the results of our decision can be catastrophic - as I assume you realized when the police were at your door, and your daughter was in tears!

I hope this helps.

Take care

Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 9:55am
Hmmm. It seems this man cares very little about you. Anyone who would take legal action against you just to satisfy his girlfriend obviously doesn't have your best interests in mind. I would avoid him not only because it would technically be illegal not to, but also because he's not worth your time.

I do find it interesting you say you wouldn't have sought him out if you had known he had a girlfriend, yet you have a husband. Isn't that a little contradictory? I do agree with you, though, that you would be better served by dealing with your issues at home and then seeking someone out. Most of us on this board didn't act as wisely and many of us have suffered because of it. I have made it clear that although I am sympathetic and have made mistakes myself, I am not in favor of having A's. Good luck with everything as you move forward.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 2:52pm
Bella,

I said I was in tears and not my daughter when the police served me. She had been told police come to get only bad people not good people like her mom! She was just puzzled and quite confused, that's all. Not that all that matters to anyone here. I can see from the quality of support I used to get from here. I don't see any improvement in that area. I can probably say that of all boards here in Ivill. Anyway, thanks for taking time to post and yes, I know what I have to do from now on.

Fish

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 4:13pm
hey fish, i just saw your original post a minute ago. but it was confusing to me. i guess if you are asking if you should start up again with OM after all the crap you've already put up with, i'd have to say "no damn way!" OM has disrespected you, sent the police to your door in front of your child, and whatever else he done that you alluded to all to cover his own a$$ with his GF. why would you even consider going back to a R with him?

run, don't walk, the other way from OM very, very fast. keep your self-respect and move on to working on your M, or if that's not doable, to getting out of the M and making your life and your daughter's life happy.

good luck,

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 8:59pm
Fish,

I must apologize if you find the "quality" of support that I have given, inadequate. Also, I am truly embarrassed that I inadvertently mixed up your details - I'm sorry!

However, someone WAS in tears, and the police were at your door. Your daughter witnessed both of these, and to me, that is a catastrophic consequence.

I am not a phsycologist (sp?), I am one person that has had the misfortune to experience, not one, but two affairs in my life. The first one being my H, and the second one ending very recently, in heartache.

The misfortune comes not from having had two wonderful men love me, but in the consequences of loving two men who were married.

My H and I have battled the stigma of infidelity and it's consequences for almost 20 years. Our relationships with friends and family suffered. Oh, they did get better, especially once our children were born, but I always have been and always will be, the second wife. My H and his first W have no ties - there were no children in that M. We live in a small city, and very recently while partaking in a High School open house with our daughter, we ran into my H's xW. She happened to be bringing her son to the same open house. Now, 20 years later, I felt like a guilty little tramp homewrecker. I couldn't look her in the eye. My H said "hello", but that was the extent of the contact.

Maybe my guilt over my second illegitimate relationship played a big role in my reaction. Since my H has found out about my A, he has told me that he would like to call his xW to apologize for the agony he put her through. The guilt never goes away! The only thing stopping him from doing this, I'm certain, is that he would never want her to know that it's true "what comes around, goes around"! I'm also sure that eventually, I may find myself as the betrayed spouse, whether in revenge for what I've done, or because reality is that we do not control who we love (I truly believe this).

I'm not sure why I'm telling you all of this. I guess I want you to realize that I am a loving, passionate person, and that I feel very lucky to have had the two most greatest loves in my life - but those loves have caused pain! If at any point, in either one of my R's, the police had shown up at my door, I would have walked away and not looked back, especially if my children were involved.

What you are feeling, does matter to those of us here. But, we can only offer opinions based on our own feelings and experiences. I feel that I do have the experience, and I do not admit that proudly, but I do not have a diploma or certificate hanging on my wall "Graduated from the School of Hard Knocks in the area of Affairs 101".

I gave my opinion, which is what you asked for, specifically. I feel badly that you do not value or even appreciate the quality of support, because in my short experience as a member of this board, I have received nothing but "quality" support (whether it was what I wanted to hear or not) and I have gained valuable friendships.

I hope you stick around long enough to realize that you could have that as well!

Take care

Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Sun, 05-09-2004 - 7:24am
Thanks life for your post. I am doing the very same thing you said - walking away before anymore damage can be done. I can tell you I wasted too much time on a unworthy man like him. Not any more.

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