Wondering if I can stop myself

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2009
Wondering if I can stop myself
12
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 4:21pm

My husband and I have been together for about 15 years.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 5:29pm

Of course you can stop yourself. I'm sure you've done many things in your life that were unpleasant and you made yourself do it, especially if you have children.

Before you go any further, I suggest you first ask yourself why you would risk your marriage for lust in someone else's home. Think about the scenario, play it out in your head, and imagine the worst case scenario. Then - whatever it is - imagine it comes true. Your H walks in, your friend the wife becomes suspicious, and it all comes out. What was a nice friendship suddenly becomes ugly. All kinds of things bubble to the surface. Best case scenario, you end up having a gorgeous but secret relationship that lasts for years. Worst case scenario, you lose the husband you can't imagine living without, your friends, your kids, and a whole lot of other things.

I'm not a troll - I've been in an A for many years. In my A, the risks from the start were practically nil. I'd worked day in and day out with my AP for years prior so I knew what he was like at every moment of the day, and I knew all his faults (which were very very few, and none of them likely to lead to a bad outcome if the A ended).

I previously had a short nightmare of an A about 20 years ago, where the worst case scenario DID happen, and my AP quickly revealed himself to be not the bold, sure executive I thought he was but a coward who wasn't afraid to throw me under the bus to save his own skin. I had to keep seeing him at work, because he was my boss, and even though we kept in touch for some years after we stopped working together, I've always made sure I never see him anywhere I could be vulnerable to his advances (see him only in daylight, or with other people, and never ever drink around him). I knew it would be only too easy to start again. The key was to NOT START.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2009
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 6:01pm

You know, I'm not sure which this guy is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2008
Tue, 02-24-2009 - 9:41pm

I'm not saying that anything is wrong with you or your marriage because feelings like that are perfectly natural. We feel different things for different people all the time. For example, I was recently contacted by a very old friend of mine (who is totally hot) and I'm indulging in a little crush on him. I never felt anything like that before for him, but he's something new, yet familiar and comfortable, so...I'm crushing a little, although I'd never cheat on my boyfriend because it would hurt too many people (and, I love the boyfriend, hehe).


For you, it might be that there is something lacking in your marriage, or that you feel you might be neglected a little bit by your husband. Are things ok in your marriage? Are you getting the emotional satisfaction you need? Do you feel desired and wanted by your husband? It may not have anything to do with your friend at all, but rather a subconscious need on your part to be desired or chased again. Or maybe your husband has just been working a lot...and while he loves you very much, he just doesn't have time to show it like you'd want. The best thing to do would be to go through YOUR feelings and figure out what YOU feel, and HOW you want to feel, and then try to figure out how to address those needs and wants within your marriage.


At any rate, I would recommend against having an affair because you are so uncertain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2007
Thu, 02-26-2009 - 12:14pm

This describes my situation perfectly at mo.


I think you need to examine why you are considering it. Behind every affair, there is a reason, something lacking in the current relationship. People especially women do not cheat if everything is 100% in their relationship. They just don't normally.


Definitely look at both sides here. What if they did find out? Or what if it was you? I'm not trying to dissuade you, I'm in need of that myself at mo, but look at each angle this could take. It could work perfectly, you have an amazing connection, have an amazing time, and no one finds out. Or the worst, someone walks in. Your whole life is ruined over something potentially very silly. Think about it first. If you are going to do it, try and ensure no one finds out though I would get to know this guy more as he may be the one to throw you under the bus.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Thu, 02-26-2009 - 12:39pm

Confused,


Hi.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Thu, 02-26-2009 - 1:11pm

>>>"Why is this happening? Why now after 15 years of friendship? I have always felt a "connection" to this man. But why now would be we thinking of having an A? Why would I "want" him after all this time?"<<<

Doesn't matter "why"! It is happening because YOU are letting it happen. Look, bottom line is we don't sleep with a friend's husband.....period! Put yourself in her shoe. What if she's hunkering for your H and is contemplating having an A with him, would that be cool for you? I think not! So, therefore, forget about the feel goods you're experiencing with this fantasy and think of the consequences instead. It's flattering to have other men desire us, but, it doesn't mean we should just throw caution to the wind and let the storm wipe out everything we hold dear.

Please look at this in all angle. There's a lot at stake for just a little rump.

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"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."


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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Thu, 02-26-2009 - 6:05pm

<<<< Behind every affair, there is a reason, something lacking in the current relationship. People especially women do not cheat if everything is 100% in their relationship>>>


I feel the need to interject something there. That is NOT always the case. Sometimes there is something 'wrong' with the person who chooses to live a double life of sorts or have things they way they want to...and it has NOTHING to do with the relationship they may be in.


If you don't believe me...google it. There are sometimes psychological reasons for a person to have affairs that have ZERO to do with their spouse who could be doing everything right in just about as right as anyone can. Narcissists, sociopaths, some just plain selfish or immature. Sometimes just plain ol' opportunity and boredom leads people to do so and it can have nothing to do with their relationship especially if it is an escape from everyday responsibilities. Some have an affair simply ...because they can. Single people do it to be important to someone, to feel needed, to have excitement, to escape responsibilities to others or to themselves, sometimes to get what someone else has. or sometimes they don't realize the enabling they do or even think that what they are doing is having an affair but rather the committed person is doing that, not them.


IF there is a problem in the relationship...Having an affair is still a choice and even if there is a troubled relationship...they can choose not to. It is a coping mechanism,..meaning a choice in how one might cope with their unhappiness or they perhaps feel they are not being able to control the health of their committed relationship or simply don't want to because it is not as self-gratifying.


Lizzie





Edited 2/26/2009 6:09 pm ET by lizzie1965
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Thu, 02-26-2009 - 6:34pm

Since you say that you love your husband and your marriage is good, the answer to your question as to why this is happening now is easy...you're bored. Let's face it, 15 years with the same person does get to be routine. It's exciting to think about another person. It's flattering to think someone else finds us attractive and sexually wants us. As you say....lust. And it's easy to take that attraction and make it out to be some magical, special thing in our minds.

I, too, am not a troll. I have had an affair. I wouldn't do it again, that's for sure. I don't think they're healthy relationships to engage in. When you have to lie, sneak, look over your shoulder, doubt, wonder, fret, rent motel rooms, cover your tracks, have secret cellphones, secret email accounts, cheat and betray, how can any of this be healthy?

That being said, the decision to engage in this or not is really yours. But I will say this...I especially think affairs between people who are related to or friends with the AP's spouse is especially unhealthy. You are jeopardizing way too much. Social circle, spouses, kids, etc. All for a little hanky panky. Is it really worth it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2009
Thu, 02-26-2009 - 7:21pm

Lizzie is right. This is something that

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2007
Fri, 02-27-2009 - 5:08am

Granted there are the exceptions. There are ALWAYS exceptions. But if someone is looking elsewhere for things, it generally means that something is lacking. Maybe in the relationship or in the person. But we are answering a person's questions, not looking generically at people we don't even know about. I'm fairly sure that she isn't selfish, she seems completely at odds with this. I get that.


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