Words Can't Describe How I Feel...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Words Can't Describe How I Feel...
4
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 10:25pm
Hello Everyone,

I don't normally post on this board, I'm usually on the other one because I am no longer with my MM. Well, not until offically today. We had NC for 2wks and yesterday I caved and we went to lunch with him. Today was the day that I offically said the words I thought I would never say, and that's good-bye.

Anyway, I was doing pretty okay earlier in the day, but I increasingly became sad, hurt, upset and obsessive. It is not in my nature to obsess to the point where I emailed him I would say about 4-5 times today. Everytime I had a thought I would email it to him. I even sent over a post from the other board from him to read. I didn't want him knowing about the board because it has been my own private way of handling my situation. Plus, I didn't want him to see any of my posts. Obviously it's too late now and if he's curious enough he will find me and guess my username (I never told him about the board or my name).

I feel like such a loser for being like that. Throughtout the whole A I never behaved the way I did today. I know the intense heartache I am feeling right now has a part in it and I feel so out of control in my mind. I wish I could take back the clock and start over again. Anyway, thank any and everyone who took the time to read my rambling.

MidnightBlue

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 10:35pm
Hey MB--don't beat yourself up. I couldn't tell from your post who called it off, but I'm sure that regardless of who ended things MM understands how you feel. Ending a R, of just about any kind, is an extremely difficult task, but ending an A seems damned near impossible. It is okay if you responded in ways which seem out of character for you--this is a big deal, and you just have to handle it the best way that you can. I totally understand how sort of losing control would upset you, especially on top of the fact that you've just ended a meaningful R, but it is not the end of the world...nobody died. So, try to keep your chin up, do something fabulous for yourself, and sit on your hands if you have to in order to keep from contacting him (unless of course the fabulous thing that you do for yourself is a manicure;). Take a deep breath and remember that tomorrow is another day--strike that--a better day. Hugs to you.

--notso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 11:01pm
I think the most important things a woman learns to say is good-bye and no. But when we finally get to the point to say them, there is no turning back for us.

Please don't be hard on yourself. Take extra good care of yourself right now, and keep moving forward with *your* life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 7:34am
(((Midnightblue))) - You are only human! What you are feeling is normal, and any of us would feel the same way. I know in my back and forth situation with OM I have definitely felt the same way, like things are out of my control, and the deep heartache that results.

It is good that you are getting your feelings out here on the board. Maybe this will help you to sort through your thoughts and feelings and provide an outlet for you other than e-mailing MM. Are you going back to NC? If so, fight the urge to e-mail MM by posting here. We are all here to support you and listen to you anytime! :)

((hugs))

Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 8:10am


icirce21,

Yes, I am continuing the NC because yesterday I actually told him good-bye. NC for the past 2wks really wasn't final but I was the one who broke it off for good. I told him the only way he and I could be a couple I would need proof and that proof would be a signed divorce decree with both signatures, until then we are over.

Like I said, at first I felt stronger than I had in the last few days but as the day wore on I became a person I don't like. During the whole A I was always patient, always kind, always understanding and was never obsessive (only in private and never let him see that). I just feel so broken right now. I worry that he is going to think I'm psychotic and that is not what I wanted. I always said if we were to go our separate ways I would want it peaceful, and kind, not for me to be the way I was yesterday.

Anyway, thank everyone for listening to me and I just wish this bad dream would go away.

MidnightBlue