Words Can't Describe How I Feel...
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| Tue, 05-04-2004 - 10:25pm |
I don't normally post on this board, I'm usually on the other one because I am no longer with my MM. Well, not until offically today. We had NC for 2wks and yesterday I caved and we went to lunch with him. Today was the day that I offically said the words I thought I would never say, and that's good-bye.
Anyway, I was doing pretty okay earlier in the day, but I increasingly became sad, hurt, upset and obsessive. It is not in my nature to obsess to the point where I emailed him I would say about 4-5 times today. Everytime I had a thought I would email it to him. I even sent over a post from the other board from him to read. I didn't want him knowing about the board because it has been my own private way of handling my situation. Plus, I didn't want him to see any of my posts. Obviously it's too late now and if he's curious enough he will find me and guess my username (I never told him about the board or my name).
I feel like such a loser for being like that. Throughtout the whole A I never behaved the way I did today. I know the intense heartache I am feeling right now has a part in it and I feel so out of control in my mind. I wish I could take back the clock and start over again. Anyway, thank any and everyone who took the time to read my rambling.
MidnightBlue

--notso
Please don't be hard on yourself. Take extra good care of yourself right now, and keep moving forward with *your* life.
It is good that you are getting your feelings out here on the board. Maybe this will help you to sort through your thoughts and feelings and provide an outlet for you other than e-mailing MM. Are you going back to NC? If so, fight the urge to e-mail MM by posting here. We are all here to support you and listen to you anytime! :)
((hugs))
Circe
icirce21,
Yes, I am continuing the NC because yesterday I actually told him good-bye. NC for the past 2wks really wasn't final but I was the one who broke it off for good. I told him the only way he and I could be a couple I would need proof and that proof would be a signed divorce decree with both signatures, until then we are over.
Like I said, at first I felt stronger than I had in the last few days but as the day wore on I became a person I don't like. During the whole A I was always patient, always kind, always understanding and was never obsessive (only in private and never let him see that). I just feel so broken right now. I worry that he is going to think I'm psychotic and that is not what I wanted. I always said if we were to go our separate ways I would want it peaceful, and kind, not for me to be the way I was yesterday.
Anyway, thank everyone for listening to me and I just wish this bad dream would go away.
MidnightBlue