The worst day of my life
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| Sun, 09-21-2003 - 1:39pm |
I am feeling sick to my stomach right now and I have never been this messed up in my entire life. Here is my situation...
I'm 23, married since 20, been with DH since I was 17. Our friends would always joke that we had the 'perfect relationship' and it was honestly true for the most part, up until a few months ago. I started feeling that he wasn't putting as much into the relationship as he used to, never doing anything romantic or couple-like, and I was sick of feeling like his housekeeper/roommate. I even talked to him about this many times and nothing changed. I started going out more since I was bored sitting with him at home all the time. Lo and behold I meet someone who cares to spend time with me, is different than anyone I've ever been with, and has many of the same hopes/goals, etc. as me (which DH and I have never been able to share). I don't know how I fell into it, I have never cheated before and always said I never would. But I did.
I suppose DH never realized how much his actions were affecting me and as he started seeing less of me, he began to get his act together and he has been trying so hard to make me happy. I feel like such scum. Here I have a man who loves me more than anything and dotes on me like a puppy dog and I cheat on him. This has pushed me further into the dumps than before, and I know I have changed because of it. All I do is mope around and DH definitely knows something is different about me, but I can't help it.
OM is still in the picture, I just can't bring myself to end it. I know I should, I know it would be the right thing to do, but I honestly believe I am falling in love with him. Is is possible to love two men at once? When I'm with him, I don't think about DH or my problems, yet when I come home, I'm sad all the time 1) because I miss OM and 2) because I feel incredibly guilty.
Last night just tops it all off. My friend knows I have been down in the dumps, so she took me out. I drank and drank and drank and felt worse. My friend admitted she knows something is going on and while she's my friend, she doesn't agree with it as she says she 'has a lot of respect for DH and thinks he's a wonderful guy.'
I called OM's cell over and over and left numerous messages about how I really wanted to see him (we had a little fight earlier on in the day) and I have not heard from him since. He must think I'm psychotic and desperate now.
Then I came home and bawled my eyes out. I told DH he was too good for me and I didn't deserve him. Of course he disagreed with me and asked why I thought that, and I didn't say anything, just rolled over and fell asleep.
So now that I have pushed away the two loves of my life and have tarnished my friends' image of me, I am sitting here more upset than I have ever been. I'm even thinking of packing up my bags and leaving H because I feel he can do so much better than me. I just want to go somewhere and start over since I have wrecked everything that ever mattered to me. How can I do damage control? I don't want OM to think I'm psycho for calling so many times and who knows what DH thinks.
Edited 9/21/2003 2:41:31 PM ET by jolie202

The first time I was married, about your age to, we were HS sweethearts, and the newness of our marriage had worn off quickly and we had very little in common to call a foundation. I started getting online and meeting people to occupy all the time I spent alone. Eventually I met a man online which was so like me in his goals, preferences, attitude etc. that I immediately found myself attracted to him. When things got bad in my marriage, in a weak moment I decided to meet him. With that the attraction flourished when I saw him the first time...a few months later we became intimate. I decided to leave my marriage to be with him and he is now my husband.
The second time is the EMA I found myself in last year. I ran into an old crush in Spring 2002 and quickly found myself in an intimate relationship with him. I entered the relationship =with the mind set that I wasnt leaving my marriage and I never intend to. My marriage is a happy and fulfilling one and as much as I love my OM the reality is that we'd never be successful together and if we were it would never be as happy, content and fulfilling as my marriage is now. We just dont have the foundation to build on and never could.
What Im saying is that you can choose to take either path. I have taken both now and I will admit I played my cards right and things have turned out the best for me. Im very fortunate to have made the right choices in both situations. I agree that only a few months in a relationship is not enough time to know if he is the one for you. Another thing I hope you consider is that a full time, day to day routine relationship is never as intriguing as a part-time, minute stealing, erotic relationship you share with your OM. Keep in mind that grass always looks greener, but is it really?
I wish you the best of luck and if youd like to email me you can do so at callmeliberal@hotmail.com or IM me at liberalgirl2002 on AOL IM ...
*hugs*
Liberal