Would like opinions/advice
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Would like opinions/advice
| Fri, 04-17-2009 - 3:28pm |
**for those betrayed angry wives out there,save it, I don't care what you have to say..you're just bitter you can't keep your husband at home**
Situation:

I have btdt. I know where you are and how it feels. That said, I am probably not going to say exactly what you want the hear. I am thinking you want to hear that he will leave his family and be with you. I might be wrong, if I am, I apologize.
First, I am going to tell you that it is very likely (probable, even) that things will NEVER go back to the way they were before his W was tipped off. Her radar is up and it won't ever go down. I advise you to be very very careful about throwing things in her face (like going out to talk to your AP when she is present because you THINK she is clueless and stupid). You know, I am assuming that she could call and ask for cell phone records at any time, or demand them from your AP. If he doesn't give them to her, she assumes he is hiding something and becomes even MORE diligent in her efforts. If he does then she has proof. Either way he is in a sticky situation. I can understand why he doesn' use the cell phone anymore. I believe he is being smart.
Too, are you prepared for what will happen if she does find out WHO "something is going on with" and alerts your H? I am assuming you are not under the same microscope he is currently under, or you would understand a little better about his feelings of fear and confusion. *I* have been through a d-day and it was a very difficult time for everyone in my life. The difference for my AP and I is that we were caught together.
Did we talk about making things permanent? Sure all the time. Before D-day. But d-day changed everything. You have no idea how D-day will impact you until it happens. You can say one thing prior to being caught and totally believe that will be carried out should it happen. But you know what? It probably won't.
I think your AP is very conflicted. That is totally normal. Despite being lonely and all in his M, he has now seen the incredible pain his W is in. He has been effected by it. Seriously, if it were me, I would give him as much space as you can to work through this himself. If you do not, it could very well lead to a cycle of resentment.
You mentioned that you would D your H to be with your AP. Is that the only reason you would D your H? Because I really believe that leaving with the expectation that someone else is going to do the same is a huge mistake.
As for your AP, sure he thinks about you. Yes he likely misses you as much as you miss him. But you know, his actions speak volumes too. He is going home to his W and he is very obviously trying to minimize the damage done there. He doesn't want to give you up, but he is not ready to leave is M either (and he may never be).
I am sorry for what you are going though. I promise you that I really do know how it feels. My words may seem harsh, I do not mean them to. I am just talking from the perspective of someone who is five years out from this with a lot of water under the bridge with my former AP/BF and my now xH.
No I didn't. I said there was a lot of water under the bridge between my former AP/BF AND my now xH.
I never married my former AP, though, I did live with him for over two years. My H and I have been divorced for three years now.
I really appreciate your words of wisdom, you sound rational.
WHWM,
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i can't tell you what he thinks, and i can't even guess based on his behavior. no one can tell you except him - and his words say he can't see you.
you don't do anything. i know you are a fixer and this is hard, but he told you he could not see you. he is obviously having a hard time himself, and you can pat yourself on the back for being attractive to him. but it sounds like he is trying to talk both you and himself out of it. and if you try to circumvent what he has stated he wants, you risk losing any respect he has for you.
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it doesn't matter. i see MM's DW - i hear her nag him. but he never complains, and even though i don't doubt his love for me i cannot say there is no connection between them after watching them for 5 years. i simply don't know what i can't see.
And then there are just the facts. http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmyaffair&msg=56070.11
#12: “Fewer than 10% of affairees divorce their spouse, then marry their lover”
- “Nearly 80% of those who divorce because of an affair are sorry later.”
- “Over 75% of affair marriages end in divorce.”
- “Getting rid of the spouse does not get rid of the pain.”
- “Successful men do not marry their lovers”
WHWM, I sympathize with you. i don't blame you for wanting him. i would agonize in your position, too - and plot and plan and press. but at some point i would have to accept and turn my attention to the things i *can* control. i can control myself and i can control if i stay in my M. in affairland, that's about it.
there are times that MM and DW have left my presence, and i go to the spot where they sat. i imagine leaving with him and possessing a relationship openly and every moment. but all i really have is that empty space - with nothing left behind for me. i know one day he won't return. not because he didn't love me but because of circumstances and obligations and the concern for other people.
i'm sorry that time for you is now.
Mrs.
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It has been nearly five years since d-day. After d-day he was wishy washy, would leave and go back. Did that about five times and then he finally left his W for good. Each time was like a new wound in my heart. I was very very hurt. And it was VERY difficult not to call, write or anything. Somehow I did it, but it always turned out that he (or I) would initiate contact again at some point. It was a pattern. A very painful one.
I finally got to the point where I was done. Done with my M AND done with AP. I moved out and separated from my H. Turns out, AP did the same, though I didn't know it. He contacted me about three months after I left my H permanently. I was skeptical so we moved slowly.
Once my D was final, I bought a beautiful home. He and his son moved in with my children and I. That lasted for a little over two years. But things were not adding up for me, and it had been a very long time and he was dragging his feet on his D. He never included me with his family, so despite the fact that we LIVED together, he never told his mother. THAT was very painful. VERY. And it was a huge source of friction for me. I never felt like he was invested in our life. Then his house (he had a separate house which he was renting out) was going to foreclose, so I took all the equity out of the home we shared and gave it to him to save his house (yes, utterly stupid, I know). Anyway, his house was saved from foreclosure. Of course, I was screwed because I could no longer afford the mortgage on our home on my own income. So I was truly dependent on him. But he, as it turns out, was a total selfish jerk. I started catching him in a ton of lies. I found tons of dating and sex profiles (that dated back all the way back to the beginning of our R). I confronted him and he professed deep love and a desire to "fix" things. He even went to therapy with me. Then, I got home from work one day and he (unbeknownst to me) had a crew of "friends" (his Ws family as it turns out) in MY house moving his stuff (and a good portion of mine) out. Pulled in the driveway and he said "I'm moving out." Oh, great. Thanks. He moved back in with his W (yes she took him back after three years) that night.
This was six months ago. It was VERY painful. How did I get through it? My friends saved my life. I am very lucky to have them (one of them posted a very good response to you, btw). Seriously, I was literally shattered. I have come a long way. The best thing I can tell you (and it is advice I wish I followed) is this: Pay attention to ACTIONS. Words are just words and they are easy. Actions speak louder than words 100% of the time. When someone tells you through their actions what kind of person they are believe them.
Is it still hard for me? Absolutely. Everyday. I understand that xAP's W has left him. I get emails and texts all the time. I haven't responded other than to ask for the money he owes me. I lost my home and am in absolute financial ruin. Despite all of that it is still hard and I still miss him. Despite him having shown me the type of person HE is, I am still crushed and absolutely heart broken. When I am tempted to cave and resume contact, I get slapped by my friends and it helps. I am sure they are sick of hearing about it, but I still need to lean so, I do. And I am lucky, they still listen.
I am so sorry for your pain.