Would you trust him?
Find a Conversation
Would you trust him?
| Thu, 11-13-2003 - 10:54am |
This question is for those who would like to marry their OM/MM (not everyone would). Suppose you had that opportunity. Given the nature of your current relationship, would you trust him not to do to you what he did to his wife? Never, always, only under certain circumstances? Why or why not?
Could/would he trust you? Again, why/why not?

Pages
If we were free to marry, we would. Since we can't, we've agreed to do everything possible to still be together for the rest of our lives in whatever capacity we can.
We had this discussion recently: would you trust me? He said he would trust me, though he can't explain why. I said I would have a much harder time, and he said that was probably a more logical response. You can say that what you have is incredibly special, but it wasn't to start with - it was more curiosity, as in, "What would happen if..." It has grown to be *very* special, but what we have with our spouses is very special too.
I'm a little insecure about it now, and I still worry a little bit when he's on a business trip with someone else, even though I don't think it's really necessary. I said to him directly that I would always wonder a little bit if he were speaking in code to someone else, as we do, or if his interactions with other people that looked innocent were in fact not. After all, if we've been carrying on in plain sight of other people (including spouses) for a couple of years, wouldn't it be easy for either of us to do the same with someone else?
Now, he has said many things, especially as our relationship has deepened (certainly not from the start) that make me think that our relationship is actually closer, deeper, and definitely more passionate than the one he has with his wife. I am sure he would never stray for lack of sexual compatibility. But there would always, I think, be that little nagging doubt.
OTOH, I suppose there would always be that little nagging doubt because of my own insecurities. I can't say that I completely trusted my husband until we'd been together for something like 15 years! Even now I occasionally wonder, though for obvious reasons it bothers me less now. But I would certainly wonder more about OM if he were my husband.
Although things are great between us, I am not the most trusting of men to begin with plus my self esteem isn't real up there either. So, if he could do this to her...why not me. We've been having an A for 12 yrs. He has never lied to me that I know of and we talk openly about everything all the time. He does spend every possible minute he can with me so although he may not do anything to warrant my not trusting him when we're finally together...I dont' think he will have 100% of that trust. Which in the end will probably end up ruining the good relationship we could of had, if I don't get a grip before that lack of trust causes problems where there wasn't any to begin with.
Wow...I feel like I just psycho-analyzed myself...LOL!
As for his trusting me, I'd like to think he would. I'm single now, so I'm not currently cheating, but I have cheated on a BF in the past (which my MM knows about since we've been friends for so many years). I have a few male friends, one of which MM is a bit jealous of. So, I think once he became secure in my absolute committment to him, which would hopefully happen before we actually got married, the trust would be there.
This was a great question Shoudi2002, and I have enjoyed reading everyone's opinion on this subject.
Annika
Brightest Blessings, Annika
That said... I think that we are all deluding ourselves here if we think that our MM would never do to us what they did to their wives. I'm not sure it matters how he feels about his wife, and I sure don't understand how it matters that he cooks, is attentive to her, etc. Cheating on a spouse is certainly of a quite different level than being respectful to her on the surface by doing things around the house for her and just generally being a Great Guy to her face. The fact is that these men have made the decision to cross the line, for whatever reason. He's clearly identified this as a viable way for him to deal with the difficulties in his marriage. So the line is cross-able to them, and once it's crossed I think it's easier, not harder, to do it the next time.
There is an entire assortment of justifiable (in their eyes) reasons why it was an acceptable decision for them to cross the line. I think in many cases it's just the day-to-day issues related to being married, and less the spouse herself, that is the driving reason for the man entering into the A. And by the way, I think many men confuse this general dissatisfaction with the concept of being married and all the 'restrictions' it imposes, with not loving (or being "in love with") their wives... leading to them telling the OW that they want out of the marriage... but when push comes to shove, they realize it's not the W, but marriage in and of itself that they're having difficulty dealing with. In that case, divorcing W and remarrying OW would be jumping from frying pan into fire. So they back out after they finally figure out what the real issues are.
My MM loves his W, even though they have some serious issues related to finances and other day to day life things that they have trouble working through. He loves me also, but we get to skirt around the Issues and enjoy the good parts. His W doesn't.
So, if I were married to an ex-cheating spouse... no, I would not be comfortable that he would not do it again, no matter how much he loved me. Because marriage is a whole different ball game than an A. That's about as honest as I can be.
If this sounds pessimistic, sorry, but I've done a lot of painful soul-searching through the years of my A to arrive at this interpretation. And I have accepted the A for what it is, and for what it can give both me and my MM that we are now lacking in our marriages. Also, I spoke from the perspective of trust of the MM, but the same goes in reverse - in the cases of the MW here (including myself) I think the trust issue and rationalizations I related above are basically the same.
Just my two cents.
I would say that yes, for the most part, I would trust him. However, I would also be acutely aware of warning signs, since I know what it is that has caused him to look outside his relationship and how he's counselled me to hide it from my soon-to-be-x-h.
We have a slight issue in our relationship in that he's 18 years older than me and it bothers him a LOT. So I think he would be capable of 'retaliatory affairs' if he were to think that I was out messing with younger guys. So, I think as long as my love and devotion to him weren't in question, he wouldn't wander. But if he thought I was, he would, whether or not he was right.
Could he trust me? No, I don't think he does, entirely. Every woman he's been with has cheated on him, so he kind of expects it, now. He just gauges how much is too much with each woman. No matter what I say about being different, the fact that I was having an affair with him, regardless of the fact that he's the only affair I've ever had, proves that there's some line somewhere that I can cross.
Lucky
It took me a long time to admit the A too. It took him even longer (years) and in some ways, he's still in denial about it. Upbringing and religion are the reasons for that. I still go through periods of self-reflection about it (not guilt - I've gotten past that point) but ultimately, I think the answer is that he meets needs for me and makes me happy in ways that DH just can't. And that makes me a more complete person and able to function in my marriage. I've talked about this to MM extensively and he feels the exact same way. That's why, I think, that we wouldn't necessarily be great together if we married. We suit each other well for this type of relationship and it works for us, but I don't know about any other type.
I have to say that I just don't believe in marriage anymore, in the sense that it represents two people who live together happily for decades and fulfill each other's needs so completely that they don't need to seek out others for that purpose. I think that the divorce rate in our society (and the number of unhappy marriages) is a testament to that. So although I don't want to end my current marriage, I don't even want to think about myself in a marriage with MM and trying to deal with all the issues. I would rather have him this way.
Would he trust me? I don't know. I don't think he should. If I did it once, why wouldn't I do it again?
Pages