Would you trust him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Would you trust him?
32
Thu, 11-13-2003 - 10:54am
This question is for those who would like to marry their OM/MM (not everyone would). Suppose you had that opportunity. Given the nature of your current relationship, would you trust him not to do to you what he did to his wife? Never, always, only under certain circumstances? Why or why not?

Could/would he trust you? Again, why/why not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Sun, 11-16-2003 - 7:37am
I did not think about this for a long time - until recently. Call me naive - I did not think much about the consequences of being in a affair before getting into it. We too had this conversation sometime back like shouldi and her OM. He said he wouldn't trust me and I was a little upset. Call me blind - I am in such a situation only for this man and he throws a sentence from nowhere like that - I was hurt... I am a very optimistic and generally trusting person, but that conversation left me wondering if I have been naive or what. Hence the analysis from the previous post.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Sun, 11-16-2003 - 9:18am
Yes, I do trust him. Two major reasons, we are very much alike and I can actually tell whats going on in his head when hes thinking it (and him me as well) and secondly, we have very strong communication with each other. With dh, I am able to get away with not talking when somethings bothering me by putting it off to "I am tired, thats all" with mm, he won't let me get away with that. He makes me talk and tell him whats on my mind and vice versa. Hes actually the first man I have trusted this much to start with, in all my adulthood. He and I have neither one ever done anything like this, so yes, I would trust him 100% and he would trust me as well.

Tam

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 11-16-2003 - 12:56pm
This didn't have to take much thought ... the answer is no way. Like mdc and opal, I feel that once a man crosses that line it's easier to cross it the second time. Actually, I think the so-called "line" disappears and there is no "line", hence, nothing to cross.

Likewise, MM and I feel eachother's needs that our spouse's can't fill. MM is everything my DH is not and vice versa. He has more of a hard time w/ the EMA than I because of guilt whereas when we're together it feels so "natural" for us to be ourselves which he fights at times, and I do not. Maybe that's why I don't feel guilty, because MM and I seem to be more natural around eachother. We're more FWOBs than anything else. He's younger than me and has told me that he married too young and never lived a single carefree life. That's part of the reason why cheats, and I'm not the first and won't be the last. Just stating the facts, that's all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 11-16-2003 - 1:09pm
I agree totally. MM makes me feel complete as a person and I wonder if we found ourselves single, would we be together. I'd like to say yes, but reality says no. I'm beginning to think more along the lines that one person cannot fulfill the needs of another totally, hence, the divorce rate. The sooner we come to that realization the better. I know I am lacking big time in meeting my DH's needs, and I wish he would have an A on the side, to make him feel complete and thus be happier as a person. But he's so dang conservative and thinks in either or, or black or white. My friendship w/ MM actually helps me function better in my relationship to my DH and my M. I think this type of relationship is unique and I'm happy where it's at, not too much where it suffocates, and enough to make me feel special.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Sun, 11-16-2003 - 1:43pm
I agree, we are for most part FWOB. We are one of those LDEMA's that get very little oppurtunity to meet without raising suspicion. That's why I get hurt when OM says he cannot trust me - I am definitety not get in it for the sex - although its been great when we get the chance. I have known him for 5 years now and we entered this relationhip only after two years and when he moved away from the city where I live. I missed him so much at first - I tried to convice myself I was headed for hell when I fell into his relationship. It took us so long to be even get intimate with each other. Sometimes my MM tortures himself with the situation and goes into hiding into his cave. All because he feels guilty about it all and sometimes can tell things like "I don't think you can trust me ever again or I will trust if we get together in the end." It puts a damper on your feelings and sends you in one of those downward spirals. I too was like that in the begining but have gotten better lately, but when the "chase" is over he is one that turns away after a intense meeting. :(:( As you can tell its a sensitive subject for me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2003
Sun, 11-16-2003 - 8:04pm
I've been married to my MM for 15 years. I've had a lot of trouble trusting him, but don't think he has ever cheated. I also don't think I have any more trouble trusting him than I would any other man. When you consider how many people are having affairs I think it is foolish to assume it will never happen.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 7:59pm
I would trust him because we are in total agreement that honesty is important.

if he was happy with the w. this would not be an issue
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2003
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 12:00pm
Hmmm, I guess I would always wonder if he's doing with someone else what he's doing with me. He has cheated on his wife before, but says that this time it's much more than "cheating"-he's in love.

I certainly wasn't looking for an affair (we are high school classmates from 40 years ago that reconnected), and hate the lying and nervousness. I never cheated on my husband in 35 years. I know I would be faithful to my MM.

On the other hand, if I think logically, if we were together, it would probably not work.

Legs

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 2:02am
He started seeing me and we got together AFTER his wife moved out. So he's not really cheating, they're separated. And he thinks she has a bf too. He's really possesive and jealous, and he told he that he only had 3-4 long term relationships and I believe him. The only thing that bothers me is he jokes around with the guys alot about women, breasts, and strippers, that kind of stuff. But I know he does it because those other guys do, and I'm getting used to it. So YES, I trust him. He said we had more sex in a month than he did throughout his whole marriage. And I talk to him everyday, for several hours sometimes.

BUT, the question about marriage, whether I would marry him if he got divorced, is most likely not. The age difference, the kid he has, him going out too much and leaving me at home to do the housework (heck no!) and watching the kids if we have any while he's out partying and drinking with his buddies doesn't look good to me. Maybe that's why the M didn't work, because there's so many issues to work out in a marriage. Now that I've had time to think about it, maybe I shouldn't get upset about minor things and just enjoy myself because there will probably be tough issues to deal with too if I married a SM.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 8:35am
I trust my MM as much as I need to in our relationship. I do not want to marry him. I really think that I am his first and only A in his 7 year M to his current W. Although recently a friend told me that he hits on anything that walks. That really made me feel bad. My friend does not know about my A with this MM. She also does not know him like I know him. I wanted to defend him but couldn't.