Would you trust your new spouse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Would you trust your new spouse?
11
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 11:02am
Folks!

If you end up getting married to the OW/OM would you be able to trust them in the future following situations (these would be the same situations under which you met them)

1)If you met them online:

Would you trust your spouse while they work and (lets say) have Yahoo Messenger or MSN running on their computer or just even have it installed on their PCs or when you are in bed late at night and you notice your spouse working late hours on the computer or they being on the PC other times for reasons not told to you?

2)If you met them at work:

Would you trust your spouse if there is this good looking colleague at your spouse’s workplace and they take lunches together in groups or alone or if they go on an out of town trip together or if they just plain work together with you having no info about any other extracurricular activity?

3)If you met in a social circle with you being friends with the spouse and their ex:

Would you trust your spouse if you are friends (as a couple) with another couple where the man or woman (depending upon whatever gender your spouse is) is very attractive and maybe flirtatious? Would you trust leaving your spouse alone with such a person while you lets say fetch something from the market? Or lets say if you were your spouse's ex's best friend would you trust your spouse with your attractive best friends?

4)If you guys used to have your cell phones shut off when you still were with your exes and would meet:

Would you trust your spouse when you call their cell and its turned off for a few hours?

Under normal circumstances where none of the spouses have cheated, none of these situations should be threatening or suspicious to any of them but I am wondering what happens when two or one person have cheated and get married. These were some of the scenarios I could think of but the main point is would you be able to trust your new spouse with him/her being in the same situation as the one in which you met them?

Just something to think about.

PG

Edited to change the question to just something to think about.


Edited 5/6/2004 11:07 am ET ET by phillygirl69

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 11:38am
I would trust them but that's me. However I can be stupid as you can tell from my other posts while trusting people. So, I don't think I am qualified to answer this post. But i did anyway. I don't think i will trust my life with OM again like I did before. I don't think I will have a good future with him as a wife. He is too controlling and abusive to begin with all the time. I am glad I got out of that trap before I got any further. Thank God for that!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 12:19pm
If you can't trust someone, then you should not proceed in the relationship. I understand the angle you're taking here. The "once a cheater, always a cheater" feeling might be there for some people. But if the two people choose to commit to one another, then I believe you have to take that leap of faith. My personal feeling is just because someone has done something before doesn't make them any more or less likely to do it again. So many people end up being unfaithful at one point or another that if you were to rule them out, there may not be anyone left. There are often issues present in someone's life that contributes to their decision. And I also believe it is entirely possible for people to grow and choose to change their behavior.

But the central point to all of this is that loving someone is a leap of faith in all cases. If you can't trust the person you plan to be with, you either need to reevaluate things or move on. And if you can't trust anyone, then I think you need to look inside to figure out why.


Edited 5/6/2004 12:27 pm ET ET by omahamm

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 12:48pm
It's a little different for us because neither of us believes that monogamy is a natural thing. We both see it as a social construct.

So I would trust that he wouldn't hurt me purposely and I would trust that he would keep me safe, but I wouldn't expect him to remain monogamous.

Plus, if i ever left my current marriage, I'd never get into another one. Not even with MM.

KC

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 1:49pm
I am kind of a little bit of what everyone has wrote. I do feel like if there is no trust there is no relationship. I would not be paranoid about it, but I think I would always have one eye open....for a little while anyway. I think though after having married "comfortable" and not taking the chance of really putting my heart out there, I would jump at the chance to do so even if it meant having that little voice telling me to always be aware.

Of course at this point I don't believe I will ever have that chance, so it is easier said then done!

deedee

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 1:57pm
This may sound sanctimonious, but I would trust myself more than I would trust MM. Because after all he's cheating in what is supposed to be a "good" or "happy" marriage. I am not, I have problems and I know H acknowledges we have problems. I would be kind of upset to think that although my H loved me and was happy with me, he was still cheating on me.

It doesn't make what I was doing right, but if he is willing to cheat right now, when he supposedly loves his wife very much, what makes me think it would be any different if he were with me? He says its just for sex, but still, is that enough of a draw for it to be the ONLY reason you are cheating.

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 2:59pm
I did not have the thought "once a cheater always a cheater" while posing the Q. I realize its an overwhelming task to get out of one R and get into another so maybe the people would have learnt their lessons to never repeat that kind of behavior. My thoughts were more along the line that can we in our hearts never let any seeds of suspicion grow and if those seeds have a good chance to be there then is it really worth it to be with the new person.

I thought with my current hubby, I could be in bed and H could be on the computer and I NEVER ever wonder what he is up to. I could not think in the same way about MM even though the relationship was never consummated so the trust factor would be greater and mostly no lies were spoken but what about people where lies were spoken and nothing held them back from going all the way.

Trying to imagine a realistic life with the OP does sometimes do wonders if one is stuck in the confusion state.

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 3:50pm
AMEN Omaha, well said!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 4:52pm
1) We did meet online.

Sure I'd trust her. We've both cheated on spouses/SO's in the past, we've both been faithful. Depends on the circumstances. Those were different relationships. And I honestly think because we know how both of us have behaved in the past and because our R is so much about giving to each other and the way we communicate, if one of us saw the other one spending a lot of time online without the other we'd assume that there was a problem we needed to address together -- and that problem isn't the other person's online time, it's whatever they're missing that causes them to seek attention elsewhere.

I know we're still a long way from married or anything else, but in the last month we've really found out a lot about each other in terms of communicating. We're just so open about things... if she feels like she isn't getting time with me, she says so and I either address it or I will have to accept the consequences of not.

I guess we both have had enough failed Rs at this point that we've both put our hearts into that we know it will require work between us even if we are very compatible. But we're willing to do that work with no sulking or hiding when things aren't quite right.

Cheating isn't the disease, it's a symptom and we both know it. Regular checkups and a healthy "diet" (along with periods of physical exercise, wink, wink) prevent disease. And my little goddess and I both know that.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 6:56pm

Hi phillygirl,


Yes... I would trust MM competely! I met him online at a time when things were quite low for both of us... we both were only really looking for people to talk to.


MM tells me almost everything... I know who he chats to and where he gets around online... he even invited me along to one of the places that he goes... and I love the fact that he could share this place with me.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 9:01pm
MM and I use to jokinly say we would have a Pre-nup with all those things

you just brought up - such as cell phones being on or off...

stuff about being home at a certain time (before dark LOL)

I dont think I would have a problem trusting MM or MM trusting me

the dynamics of what our relationship was/is is based more on the fact that

we cheated on our spouses -

If that makes sense -

K

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