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| Thu, 07-08-2010 - 6:41pm |
Well Hello Chatterboxes!! ;-)
I've been buried in erm ...life! (polite version) ...for the
| Thu, 07-08-2010 - 6:41pm |
Well Hello Chatterboxes!! ;-)
I've been buried in erm ...life! (polite version) ...for the
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Hi IGS
We can all find some level of common ground here but your particular situation (and the way you react to it) so reminds me of mine and of me. :-) My heart went out to you a few weeks ago (and I do remember an offer of adoption, which I just may accept if my life doesn't settle down soon!! Lol) It was like reading a post written by an alternative 'me' and replying to her knowing all the little squirrely thoughts that rampage around her head and exactly where they come from. :-)
I have tied myself - and OM - up in knots over his reluctance to discuss his feelings for me and the reasons he continues with our R, especially in the face of his sometimes overwhelming guilt. Just about everything you say resonates with me ...his guilt, his previous openess, his profound backing off, his inability to end your R, his resolute 'no feelings' conversations, the total dichotomy between that and the obviously loving way he interacts and of course, subsequently, the absolute turmoil it sends you reeling into. I remember it all so well. The fear he would abandon me on such a deeply emotional level again consumed me at one stage. I spent every single day thinking I needed to end it for my own sanity and yet not being able to muster the emotional strength to inflict that level of pain upon my self (or him)
Sometimes for me it was as much about being able to just talk about it all with him, regardless of the answers, and having his acceptance of where we were at. I found his denial of the feelings that draw us together excrutiatingly painful. I needed to know what was real. To me, by refusing to acknowledge the depth of the feelings involved, he was rejecting me. His reality however, was not rejection of me or those feelings, he was simply managing his internal demons so we could keep what we have and preventing an even more impossible situation maybe. The total opposite to my take on it all. He explained this to me time and time again and I just could NOT get it.
Now I do mostly. Reading and replying to your post a few weeks ago helped to finally nail this hopefully once all but as we all know, these sort of R seem to take us on some spectacular rides when we least expect it. Lol
On a really positive note IGS .....its mostly all gone. All the fear, the negativity and most of all the doubt. I trust he is in it with me and he will stay here as long as I will, I'm pretty sure of that. That being said, I hate the circumstances of this and that, I think, is what causes you and me so much heartache.
Keep trundling on ;-)
Bird
Oh Bird thank you for that post.
Yes the dichotomy of actions vs communication absolutely drives me nuts. And I have OFTEN thought of ending it to stop the hurt. But like you I just cant do it. To him or me. Everytime I say to him 'oh I have bad news' (meaning something about work or not being able to catch up or something)- he gives me this shattered look like Im about to break his heart. So I know he worries about it.
But Im in an ok spot this week. He made me feel very sure about us last Friday- which I really needed. So now I have strength to go on a bit longer. I realy want this to last but I am trying to be a realist as well.
Thank God for MAS.
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