"and when i dont see him and the pain is gone i will have nothing so whats better the pain or to feel nothing?"
It seems like the thing that's causing you the most "emptiness" is your marriage. The A is making you feel better in your empty marriage. That can work if the AP is in the same situation and you both make each other feel better. I've seen some situations around here where the APs have a loving long term relationship that fulfills what their marriage can't.
But, I think it's hard to find that. If the main cause of your unhappiness is your marriage, why stay in it at all?
If you're going to stay in your M, and he's going to stay in his R, then you have to deal with each other's S/Os (significant others) in your lives, and come to terms with jealousy, etc.
Other than that, some counseling might do you some good in sorting out what it is you really want from your marriage, and from life, and how to go about getting it. Also marriage counseling might help, if you both are open to that.
It's just that - if you're going to stay in your marriage, why not do what you can to make it better? It sounds like your H is neglecting you, but he may not realize the emptiness that you have in your life. Maybe he's feeling emptiness too. Maybe you could both reconnect with some help?
Just throwing out some ideas, because you're obviously in great pain and I feel for you.
Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.
I read your post yesterday and I thought about my past. So much so that it hurt a lot and I had to let it die down before coming back. Then I saw your post this morning and my heart just broke for you.
To give you some background on me, so you understand where I am coming from: I was married for 8 years when I started my affair with my second AP. It was a very intense affair and we frequently talked about what would happen when we were discovered (because we weren't all that careful and it was our take that since we weren't we would eventually get caught). We had a plan of being together and living a long loving life as a real couple. Then discovery happened and all of that went out the window. The collateral damage caused by our affair was something neither of us considered and he went back to his W and I eventually went back to my H. We did start the A again though (eventually). And the day he told me his W was pregnant. OMG I about died. She miscarried, but listening to him talk of doctors appointments and all that was downright torture. As for my marriage, there were lots of problems, he was an alcoholic, he cared more about drinking than spending time with the family and he was neglectful in a ton of ways. For YEARS. Not his fault I chose the A, just saying that his actions had an effect on why I made the choices I did. It didn't work out for my H and I and we divorced. Then I lived with my AP for two years, but we are no longer together.
I am going to tell you something: You will survive this. I promise. It took me two years after the affair was discovered to get to a point where I had had enough from my H AND my AP. I decided to end BOTH relationships and walk the path of self discovery. My xH threw an iron at me on what would have been our tenth anniversary and I walked out and never looked back. I rented a crappy house for my kids and I until the divorce was final. My H realized his mistake and asked for another chance...I refused. Then my AP came back. He too had separated, had heard I did too (we work at the same large place of employment). I (stupidly in hindsight, but that is another post all together) gave him another chance. We were happy for a time. But the most important thing? *I* was happy. For the first time in YEARS, I was finding out who *I* was. Maybe my story will help you. I have had some serious bumps along the way, but right now? Getting there. I am a work in progress. Probably always will be, and maybe that is the way it SHOULD be...always growing or something.
So, maybe you need to quietly start putting out feelers in regards to other employment options. I know this climate makes that challenging, and I know that being without a job is not a realistic thing, but perhaps it will help you grow and appreciate your own value. Perhaps this will help you in dealing with your AP and the affect he has on you. Maybe when your H drinks or goes to the gym or does his thing, you find a babysitter (do you have a friend that would help you out, maybe trade babysitting time with kids so it isn't an out of pocket expense?) and do something just for YOU. Something that is actually all about YOU. For me, it was cooking classes, btw. Start to slowly put yourself first.
Bad marriages suck. It is impossible for one partner to fix all the problems. If your H is refusing to take responsibility for his actions and role in the collapse of your marriage, then so be it. I am not saying divorce him. I am saying don't close the door on the option. People do leave marriages and survive it. Divorce is a tough choice, especially with kids involved. But maybe kids are just as much affected by bad marriages as they are divorces. If you do decide you have had enough, make sure you are in a place where you have no hopes or expectations that your AP will be there for you on the other side. Chances are he will not be.
And as for your A. Your AP may or may not love his GF. That is pretty irrelevant right now. They are having a child. You have children, so you know how life changing that is. I would expect more distance than closeness at this point. I know it sucks to hear that, but I think you might actually be seeing that already. So, maybe you aren't available at the drop of a hat for him. Maybe you start to take your life back some. Not easy, and very difficult advice to follow. At least initially.
I know you must feel like you are in a bit of a black hole. You are NC for a few days because you are off work. I am hoping you are able to find the positives and let some light in. Once a little bit of light comes in, it seems easier and easier to let go of the darkness and embrace it.
"and when i dont see him and the pain is gone i will have nothing so whats better the pain or to feel nothing?"
It seems like the thing that's causing you the most "emptiness" is your marriage. The A is making you feel better in your empty marriage. That can work if the AP is in the same situation and you both make each other feel better. I've seen some situations around here where the APs have a loving long term relationship that fulfills what their marriage can't.
But, I think it's hard to find that. If the main cause of your unhappiness is your marriage, why stay in it at all?
If you're going to stay in your M, and he's going to stay in his R, then you have to deal with each other's S/Os (significant others) in your lives, and come to terms with jealousy, etc.
Other than that, some counseling might do you some good in sorting out what it is you really want from your marriage, and from life, and how to go about getting it. Also marriage counseling might help, if you both are open to that.
It's just that - if you're going to stay in your marriage, why not do what you can to make it better? It sounds like your H is neglecting you, but he may not realize the emptiness that you have in your life. Maybe he's feeling emptiness too. Maybe you could both reconnect with some help?
Just throwing out some ideas, because you're obviously in great pain and I feel for you.
Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.
You've got a lot of choices. I
thank you
I read your post yesterday and I thought about my past. So much so that it hurt a lot and I had to let it die down before coming back. Then I saw your post this morning and my heart just broke for you.
To give you some background on me, so you understand where I am coming from: I was married for 8 years when I started my affair with my second AP. It was a very intense affair and we frequently talked about what would happen when we were discovered (because we weren't all that careful and it was our take that since we weren't we would eventually get caught). We had a plan of being together and living a long loving life as a real couple. Then discovery happened and all of that went out the window. The collateral damage caused by our affair was something neither of us considered and he went back to his W and I eventually went back to my H. We did start the A again though (eventually). And the day he told me his W was pregnant. OMG I about died. She miscarried, but listening to him talk of doctors appointments and all that was downright torture. As for my marriage, there were lots of problems, he was an alcoholic, he cared more about drinking than spending time with the family and he was neglectful in a ton of ways. For YEARS. Not his fault I chose the A, just saying that his actions had an effect on why I made the choices I did. It didn't work out for my H and I and we divorced. Then I lived with my AP for two years, but we are no longer together.
I am going to tell you something: You will survive this. I promise. It took me two years after the affair was discovered to get to a point where I had had enough from my H AND my AP. I decided to end BOTH relationships and walk the path of self discovery. My xH threw an iron at me on what would have been our tenth anniversary and I walked out and never looked back. I rented a crappy house for my kids and I until the divorce was final. My H realized his mistake and asked for another chance...I refused. Then my AP came back. He too had separated, had heard I did too (we work at the same large place of employment). I (stupidly in hindsight, but that is another post all together) gave him another chance. We were happy for a time. But the most important thing? *I* was happy. For the first time in YEARS, I was finding out who *I* was. Maybe my story will help you. I have had some serious bumps along the way, but right now? Getting there. I am a work in progress. Probably always will be, and maybe that is the way it SHOULD be...always growing or something.
So, maybe you need to quietly start putting out feelers in regards to other employment options. I know this climate makes that challenging, and I know that being without a job is not a realistic thing, but perhaps it will help you grow and appreciate your own value. Perhaps this will help you in dealing with your AP and the affect he has on you. Maybe when your H drinks or goes to the gym or does his thing, you find a babysitter (do you have a friend that would help you out, maybe trade babysitting time with kids so it isn't an out of pocket expense?) and do something just for YOU. Something that is actually all about YOU. For me, it was cooking classes, btw. Start to slowly put yourself first.
Bad marriages suck. It is impossible for one partner to fix all the problems. If your H is refusing to take responsibility for his actions and role in the collapse of your marriage, then so be it. I am not saying divorce him. I am saying don't close the door on the option. People do leave marriages and survive it. Divorce is a tough choice, especially with kids involved. But maybe kids are just as much affected by bad marriages as they are divorces. If you do decide you have had enough, make sure you are in a place where you have no hopes or expectations that your AP will be there for you on the other side. Chances are he will not be.
And as for your A. Your AP may or may not love his GF. That is pretty irrelevant right now. They are having a child. You have children, so you know how life changing that is. I would expect more distance than closeness at this point. I know it sucks to hear that, but I think you might actually be seeing that already. So, maybe you aren't available at the drop of a hat for him. Maybe you start to take your life back some. Not easy, and very difficult advice to follow. At least initially.
I know you must feel like you are in a bit of a black hole. You are NC for a few days because you are off work. I am hoping you are able to find the positives and let some light in. Once a little bit of light comes in, it seems easier and easier to let go of the darkness and embrace it.