XAP is Back
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| Tue, 07-14-2009 - 8:49am |
XAP came into my life about 1 1/2 years ago and left last summer. No explanation, no goodbye, or apology. I emailed him and let him know what I thought of him for the way that he ended it and he emailed me back and told me it was the guilt. Wanted to know if we could just email each other and no longer be in a relationship. I told him ok so we did for a week and then I told him it was too much for me since my feelings were so strong for him and knowing it wasn't mutual. His birthday was this past April so I emailed him a simple email and wished him a Happy Birthday without any meaning to it, not asking about his life and not mentioning mine. He emailed me back and asked about mine so I still kept it simple and told him I was good and what I've been doing this summer since he did ask. I thought that was that and wouldn't hear from him again. BTW, this was my first A. He started emailing me last week and did 3 times on Friday so I'm thinking he wants us to pick back up where we left off. The chemistry between us was unlike any I've ever felt with any man. I thought I could email with him and not want more since I'm seeing somebody but now I find myself thinking of him once again more and more.
I honestly wasn't expecting for us to pick up where we left off and am in an A now with a man who wants to marry me and transfer to his office in my area. This new guy "seems" to be everything I need and I'm trying to make better choices in men so that's why I started seeing him. But the attraction just isn't there on my part. I've been in an abusive M and I feel like I'm also seeing red flags in this R but wonder if I'm being overly cautious. I've noticed he's jealous of me talking on the phone to my best friend twice a week. She lives out of state. Maybe he's just insecure since he also lives out of state and the time we can spend together is limited.
Not sure what to do. Don't know if I should cut XAP out of my life entirely or maybe just set ground rules this time. Before, I wanted him so bad that I let him make all the calls. Don't know if I should break things off with new AP since he seems to care more for me than I do for him. He keeps pressuring me to M him when I told him I wasn't going from one M to another because I needed some "my" time to figure out who I am, what I want, and gain independence. I would never see both. Or if maybe I should just break it off with both.

I often wonder why, we, as women "let" men dictate our lives as far as relationships are concerned...whether in an A or a straight up, "legal" R?
"XAP came into my life about 1 1/2 years ago and left last summer. No explanation, no goodbye, or apology. I emailed him and let him know what I thought of him for the way that he ended it and he emailed me back and told me it was the guilt." He will do this again. He showed he has no regards for your feelings. Naturally, his feelings/family come first, I understand. But your feelings should have a little weight here, afterall you are a person with feelings.
"Wanted to know if we could just email each other and no longer be in a relationship. I told him ok so we did for a week and then I told him it was too much for me since my feelings were so strong for him and knowing it wasn't mutual." This is his way of passive fishing, keeping you around JIC (Just In Case)...backup plan.
"I honestly wasn't expecting for us to pick up where we left off and am in an A now with a man who wants to marry me and transfer to his office in my area. This new guy "seems" to be everything I need and I'm trying to make better choices in men so that's why I started seeing him. But the attraction just isn't there on my part. I've been in an abusive M and I feel like I'm also seeing red flags in this R but wonder if I'm being overly cautious. I've noticed he's jealous of me talking on the phone to my best friend twice a week. She lives out of state. Maybe he's just insecure since he also lives out of state and the time we can spend together is limited." I don't understand how you can be in an A with someone that wants to marry you? Are you both single? That's not an A.
I think as your moniker indicated, you have an addiction problem and that addiction is allowing you to accept being treated badly and disrespected by men. Unless and until you get down to the root of the problem, you'll never get off this "roller-coaster" ride.
How about saying no to both men and work on putting your life back in order. If that requires you tie up lose ends, then do it. Otherwise, any other future R's are doomed until you're in a healthy enough place to make healthy choices.
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