Xrayed R U OK

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Xrayed R U OK
11
Tue, 07-22-2003 - 2:45pm
Xrayed... hon you have been hurt. You are making that so clear on every post. But your like ripping into all men at this point. Not all of them are so horrible! I really understand how hurt you've gotten and you seem to be giving the impression that you think all of us should just stop seeing our MM or OM's. Thats just not gonna happen... some of us are just not going to figure it out even if it is a bad situation we are in and we still need advice about what to do in our relationships other than to get out.

I'm sorry if I'm being mean at all, it just seems like you are expressing a lot of pain in your posts to others... do you want to talk about you for a while and let us help you get through this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Tue, 07-22-2003 - 5:11pm
Hi Michelle,

I'm really ok, probably better than I've been for months. I am sorry if I'm coming off as a 'man-hater', that really isn't true. I know many good guys and I love being around them. I am just so tired of the games that the cheating husbands are playing with their wives and their girlfriends. It just bothers me that we can be so dumb and not see through them. They really don't ever leave their wives and why should they? They have it made because they can always find someone who is willing to worship them apparently. Yes, I was guilty of that, but not any more. I am positive that each and every one of you will feel the pain eventually and for that, I am truly sorry.

Honestly, I'm more mad than hurt. I'm mad at myself for allowing someone to convince me that they were good and honest, and I'm really angry at myself for being SO DARN gullible. Never again will I do that. I will try to offer advice without sounding judgemental, but I don't mean to offend anyone. I am not in the position to judge anyone, that's for sure.

I hope things are good with you and that you are happy. You sound so nice, I hope your guy deserves you!

Hugs, X

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Tue, 07-22-2003 - 5:18pm
Xrayed, I'm sorry your experience has made you so bitter. There are many fine men out there, and if you don't learn to trust again, you won't find happiness with one of them.

At the risk of sounding like dear old mom, your one experience with a married man doesn't necessarily apply to everyone else. There are lots of reasons people have affairs - just as many reasons as people have for getting married. Every marriage is different, and every affair is different. Don't think that every woman having an affair with a married man is stupid or that she expects him to leave his wife. Until you have walked a mile in someone else's shoes, you just don't know. And once again - as someone probably twice your age - you haven't walked in a lot of other people's shoes. You certainly haven't walked in mine.

I hope that after you've had a chance to lick your wounds, you'll find a great guy who is trustworthy and that you will trust him, hope in him, and enjoy life with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Tue, 07-22-2003 - 5:46pm
I am glad you are doing alright. It sounds like you are happy to have gotten out of your affair, and will move on quite nicely.

I think everything that you are saying is true in a way, mostly true for single girls involved with a married man. But for me, to hear all of that, makes it harder for me to justify being in an affair... I know I have self esteem issues (BOY DO I EVER) but I don't want to think I do, ya know. I'd just like to go along thinking that my affair is great and there is no inner meaning about who I am.

I wish I could be as strong as you are and realize that yes I am being gullible and blind and get out now. But I can't... the day that I do and can walk away forever, I'm sure I'll be bitter and anti-man for quite a while too. I hope I still am on this board... it's wonderful to hear the men on this board and there point of view. It gives me faith that men aren't playing me as much as I think they are.

I'm rambling incredibly! I'm trying to split out a million thoughts quickly, I'm super busy today! Sorry if this was confusing... I'll say more later :o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Tue, 07-22-2003 - 5:52pm
I don't think Xrayed is so off the mark.

I don't think everyone should jump off the EMA ship, but I do think that a lot of people in EMAs have their blinders on because they "need" something the affair gives them, even at the cost of their careers, their marriages and their sanity.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Tue, 07-22-2003 - 5:55pm
Hi Shouldi -

I agree with most of what you are saying except for one thing: Perhaps Xrayed should not be so quick to "learn to trust". One should trust another if the other deserves and has earned that trust. I always laugh at those "trust me" games played in corporate training sessions, where the people are required to fall backwards into each others' arms to learn to trust one another, even though they've never even met before!! I laugh because it is fake. You don't learn to trust by trusting. You learn to trust by gradually learning that the person is trustworthy. I believe that Xrayed has demonstrated that she has the capacity to put her trust in the wrong hands, and I think before she goes and gives her trust away next time, she should be sure that the person she gives it to has earned it, and that takes time. If Xrayed gets into a good relationship (I forgot whether she is married or not), then hopefully, the man will earn her trust, and she will give it to him.

Unfortunately, people tend to err on the side of trusting too much, not trusting too little.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Wed, 07-23-2003 - 1:39pm
I'm not sure I'd agree that most people trust too much. I would say that most women *hope* for too much and have unreasonable *expectations* of their partners. They hope he's gonna leave his wife, they expect a MM to call them as often as they want, and so on. . . there's a lot of wishful thinking on this board. People would be a lot happier if they tried putting themselves in other's shoes and tried to understand what is reasonable to expect from someone.

Sure, anyone should earn your trust. You don't go dumping your life foolishly into someone else's hands - hopefully that's something Xrayed learned. But letting a betrayal lead you to think, "I'm never gonna trust a man again" - what an empty life that will lead to, because you can never fully enjoy a relationship without trust. Yes, it takes time. It also takes a willingness to trust in the small things so that someone can be found worthy of trust in the large.

So. . . trust, have reasonable expectations, and keep your mind and heart and arms wide open. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Wed, 07-23-2003 - 3:11pm
Please understand that I WILL trust again. I just will never trust a man that is betraying his wife again. That is a very fair statement to make. Why would I allow myself to fall for such a weak, undeserving person? I don't care how you package that guy, he has major issues, and it's not my job to fix him. It won't matter if he is gorgeous, rich, or has the smoothest line in the world, I have NO business being with him. I just see it SO clearly now. I have talked to some wonderful people that I admire, and there is nothing to admire about lying, cheating and being weak. I want people to look up to me and I want to attract good people, and good people won't try to get me in the sack because suddenly their wife is not enough for them, or whatever. A strong man would get OUT of his marriage and face his problems...not hide in a hotel room and sneak phone calls and visits to me.

I am NOT bitter, I am NOT untrusting, I just have enough self-esteem to never allow anyone to USE me again, and believe me that's what a mm is doing. There are so many nice, insiteful people on this board, and I don't want to offend anyone, I just hope that you can look in the mirror and see your good points and never allow anyone to put you second or third in his life. You all deserve to go out in public and be able to brag about your loved one. You all deserve to have children and a home and you deserve to trust that your guy is not stopping at a hotel with someone else behind your back. The wife of my mm deserved that honor, because she put the work into their relationship. I didn't put any work into it, I just reaped the fun. It makes me sick to think about it now.

Again, I love guys, but I will find someone who thinks I am special enough to take out in public and to never try to lie to me or get up and leave because he has somewhere more important to be. I am NOT that hard-up.

Michelle, if you are reading this, I'm sorry that you have self-esteem issues, but you sound so nice, in fact too good for this lifestyle. You reach out and help people, you deserve better, I hope that you get it. I am sending lots of love to you!!!

X

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Wed, 07-23-2003 - 3:16pm
Good for you, and I mean that. It sounds like it was a rotten situation. Make no mistake, many if not most of the situations on this board are pretty rotten.

I wish you well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Wed, 07-23-2003 - 4:02pm
Thank you for the compliment. I have noticed that on this board, rarely does anyone want to hear that affairs can be bad. I see other boards where that opinion can be voiced, especially from someone who has walked in those shoes. I love hearing what those people can offer. I think that I CAN offer support without condoning the affair. I am so glad that people pointed out to me that I had more to offer in life that being with a mm. I really do care about the ladies and their heartaches...I felt those things myself.

My uncle lost his family when they discovered that he had been involved with a woman for 8 years! He said he would marry the ow and he would be ok, but it didn't work out that way. Once he was free, he missed his wife and became so depressed. He ended up hating the ow and blamed HER for causing his pain. I think that showed that he was a selfish guy who thought that everyone was there for his pleasure. He should never have blamed the ow for his bad times, but then again, he always blamed his wife because he wasn't happy, so I'm really not surprised. As you can see I have been thinking about these things non-stop lately, but I guess I needed to do that.

I just don't want to see anyone waste their precious time and energy on a situation that will eventually cause so much pain and heartache. Take care everyone,

X

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Wed, 07-23-2003 - 7:15pm
Hi X,

It's so good that you actually found yourself in all of this... no one needs to be treated as a doormat... and yes from what I've seen you obviously have some good advice to offer along the way... however it only goes so far with some people... and you need to be careful how you offer it too. I find that some people will use harsh or hard words like a parent telling a child they can't do something... no matter how right they are... that child or person is just not going to listen... if you know what I mean.

I can certainly relate to the way you view things... especially with your example of your uncle... because he was discovered and didn't leave of his own accord he never worked through the problems of his marriage and naturally dragged them through to another relationship only then to blame the other person. A person needs to work through their problems before walking away... this is why relationships started by EMA's have such a low survial percentage rate.

Then again... not all EMA's all relationships are the same... and that needs to be considered to. Depending on the parties involved they can be a very fullfilling relationship... sure not on prefect grounds, but they can be.

I have to admit that in my time on the board... I haven't agreed with everyone's situation and sure feel like giving them a boot up the butt to realise what they are doing... and I guess I do try to politely put my thoughts and feelings across.

anyways... I think I've rambled enough in one post and probably made not one bit of sense at all...

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

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