Yeah, I'm delusional. What was I thinkin

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Yeah, I'm delusional. What was I thinkin
8
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 6:46pm
Do you ever wonder if everything is all in your mind, or that because your thoughts are so consumed with this "stuff" that you begin to believe things that are not happening? I may be one of those people.

I have had this email/phone call/seldom-in-person (6 times in person) relationship with an ex-coworker for 4 years now. There were definitely some heated conversations in the past on the phone, but none directed towards one another. They always sort of circumvented that topic. We talked about sex, but not the "I-want-to-be-with-you" kind of sex talk. We had several of those, "Your wife is so lucky", "Your husband is a lucky guy" conversations. And while he was unemployed we talked a lot. He let me know when he was interviewing, and I sent him a good luck email. He let me know when he got the job, and I wished him the best. He reconnected w/me when he settled in, and made plans to see me when he visited home a few weeks ago (which ended up falling through).

When he made the plans to see me for dinner and/or drinks in my mind, I am thinking, "Yeah, he is attracted to me, why else would he ask to meet me out? And after I have a few to drink, I’m sure I’ll be able to figure out how he’s feeling or where this is going..." He is married and so am I. I am thinking, he asked me out, not my husband AND I (my husband whom he has never met, nor has he asked to meet.) He just tells me how lucky he is.

We share a mental/emotional/intelligence bond (for lack of a better word). We challenge each other intellectually (send Mensa quizzes and thought-provoking emails back and forth to each other) and he seems to get a rise out of that. He only sometimes complains of his wife (when asked when he’s having kids, he says, “I’m not the one you have to convince, but I knew that when I married her). I can't figure it out. When he doesn't email me for oh, 2 weeks, I think, this is all in my head. He purely looks at me as some sort of recreation whenever he has time for it.

When he calls me on the phone, the tone is flirtatious. He sounded like a young high school guy when he asked to meet me for dinner. His tone was different – sort of apprehensive, sort of relieved when I said, “Yeah, sure!”.

I don't know - I am really interested in hearing someone else's level-headed perception of this charade I am involved in. One of these days before I die, I feel like I HAVE to tell him about this crush I have on him. I don't even care about the consequences, but I am damn curious to know if he feels the same way.

Thanks for listening to the rant folks - I look forward to your always insightful responses.

Rhonda

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 12:54am


Hi Rhonda...


I have posted before, my situation most resembles yours where my A is concerned. However I am a bit further down the road in that my MM and I had quite the conversation about 5 yrs ago where we went from making the general sexual inferences to making them about each other and we had quite the bean spilling session. To bad it came after I had moved away. It has been quite a while since I have seen my MM, but we remain close and email and talk on the phone althought admittedly it has been a while for that here lately. We do have the opportunity to see each other a couple times a year, but have a hard tme working the details b/c of work and our families.

What goes on is not imagined and try not to question it when you go weeks at a time without hearing from him. It has taken me a long time to become secure in that I know my MM is going to be there no matter how long it has been since we have talked. I would encourage you when you get the chance to tell him how you feel, If I were a betting woman, I bet he feels the same way otherwise why would he banter back and forth with you?? I know it is hard to not get consumed with the warm fuzzy feeling for how you feel about him, but sometimes it is good to get you mind distracted from that. It is when my mind gets distracted that I seem to hear from him. I'll be interested to hear what everyone else has to say.

omawxgirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 10:09am
hi rhonda. i should patent this advice i give it so much! here goes -- MM enjoys and is flattered by your attention/friendship. he likes the flirtation and inneuendo between you two, but he hasn't taken the R to the next level because he's probably a bit scared to put himself out there. and he just wants to play and have a good time without all the A drama that comes with "the next level".

i'm not saying MM's a player, but he's married, working, living away from you and communication is my email/phone. it's not confusing to him, he has what he needs from the R, your attention and some flirting. you, on the other hand, are overthinking this whole thing. don't you think that if MM really wanted to be with you on a higher plane, he would have moved in that direction by now. after all, it's been 4 years. obviously, he's quite content with the R just the way it is.

you need to realize your "crush" is just that, a crush. MM doesn't have any interest in moving onto an actual A. if he did, believe me, he would have made a move by now. you need a reality check, honey. men are not that complicated. he has what he needs from you. if you want more than what he's offering, you need to find another outlet for yourself - a distraction. a book club, perhaps. so enjoy what you have. and if you're unhappy with the R, such as it is, then discard it and move on.

life is too short to sit around wondering when some guy is going to make you happy. that's not gonna happen. only you can make yourself happy.

take care,

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 10:34am
life,

I totally appreciate your advice, thanks! I guess, being a woman.. I am overthinking things. You are right that if he wanted to take it to the next level he probably would have right now. I guess too, that is the "wondering" if it could go there, that makes me ponder so much. When we have seen each other in the past, the flirtation and butterflies are on a different level. He looks at me intently, and in fact, I've posted the story before, but I'll just mention this point one more time... It was my manager who said something me after a night out with him and other colleagues. She said that she couldn't believe the way he was looking at me all night (that he was "totally hot for "). And it is just a warm fuzzy feeling I always get when we hug and kiss good-bye.

It's just the anticipation, that now since we know each other so much better than a few years ago, if after a few drinks he may say something to me. He's expected to visit again over the next couple of months, so I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

For now though- I do like our friendship and I don't ever see us not being friends. We have too much in common and we enjoy the "company" too much. I'm just being a silly girl - wondering..and throwing the "hmm what ifs" out there.

Thanks!

R

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 10:46am
Rhonda

I have to agree with life on this one. Four years??? A man who wants something with you would have made a his move after... I don't know.... a month maybe?? My MM kept me guessing because he was a bold flirt.. I kept thinking he was just a flirt, but it was different than the usual flirts I've come across. I did like you made some moves but he responded physically and it just went from there.

Seems he is happy with just the attention, move on, let him know you're not interested in playing games. He might just come around after that, if not, you're so better off

deedee

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 10:49am
no problem on the "what ifs" -- do that anytime. that's what we're here for. but i don't know one guy who would wait a month, much less, a year or two or three to take that "hot for you" attitude to the next level if the recipient (you!) is willing. so enjoy the flirtation and be flattered!!

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 11:08am
I guess because I posted here, I opened myself up for this.. but I am not looking to leave my H, nor was/am I looking to have an affair. I am SURE that MM feels the same way. My posting here is not because I want to know how to get him to get to the next level, I guess, I am just trying to share my 'warm fuzzy' feelings I get about this guy, and that yes, I am flattered that I think he is attracted to me. I guess that's all, really.

I am always going to wonder what is going on in a man's mind... I see some guys who totally come on to MW all the time and wonder what they are thinking, how bold of them. What are they expecting? Then in my MM's case, I feel like we both enjoy the mutual attraction, but neither one of us is willing or able to take it to the next level - which is fine with me (and I'm sure him too).

I am having trouble communicating what I am feeling because it is a strange feeling! I like the attention, I like that he may be attracted to me -- I like that he asks to meet up and am *excited* to meet him for dinner/drinks in May/June.. But I know that we will never be together. I just dig him - as a person. I also love my H and know that he is the best person for me.

Does any of my ranting make sense??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 11:37am
hi rhonda -- and sorry if i upset you. i totally did not get that you were just "digging" MM "as a person." your first post came across to me as you being confused about what he wants and how you should/could kick the R up a notch. my mistake....

there is no reading the mind of a married man (i think that's a tv show!). you both like the game you're playing and that's fine. but if the attraction is there and you meet physically, in person, that in and of itself, will kick the R up a notch. it won't be "just dinner and drinks", but much more just because of the evolvement/progress of the R.

enjoy what you have, but be careful honey. you are having an emotional A already. if you two start meeting in person, it's natural progession to go to the next level. a kiss here, a little too-long hug there. the next thing you know, sparks they are a-flyin'.

appreciate what you have -- it's friendly, funny, thought-provoking, flirty and fun. keep it there.

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 12:10pm
life - no you didn't upset me at all. Sometimes the board posting comes off differently and it's hard to redeem oneself! I'm glad you understand.

I will heed your advice -- and just enjoy what we have. Thanks ;)