I think you're right onaride, and its a good topic for discussion here.
Yes there are good relatioship A's and bad relationship A's. Heaven knows we see enough of the latter kind around here, but sometimes we see the good ones too! Yes they are ALL built on lies and deceit, but that doesn't negate the fact that there are real feelings shared and real relationships that kind of become their own little unique ~thing~. Sometimes there is some "fog" going on and the true feelings are not as strong as the physical, but that is NOT always the case - there can be real love. (Don't let those people on some other boards tell you otherwise LOL).
The reason I said what I said on the other topic is because I was having a discussion over lunch with my OM yesterday. I told him I didn't know if I wanted him coming to this board (he knows all about this place) because the people here would tell him he "deserved better". Heck, I'D tell him he "deserved better"! He's single, I'm not. I've told SO MANY single girls here that they deserved more, to leave and search for someone who could give them more than an affair. He said - "but I don't think of this as an affair. I just think of it as a relationship. A weird, complicated one, but a relationship. It's been 11 years!"
So he reminded me, more or less, that we do have a relationship... and I don't hold him back from finding someone else, he just hasn't done so, yet.
I agree that A's are a real relationship. I feel conflicted at times, but the feelings I have in my A are very real. I know that I am in love with my AP; that's not the fog talking. I love being with her and sharing parts of my life with her. I know she feels the same.
I don't really feel jealous of her H and other aspects of her life. I just would like to share more of it with her. I don't want ANY relationship to be suffocating and I'd fully expect to give my partner plenty of space to be independent. Sometimes though, in the A, the space just seems a little bit too great.
In any relationship, we really need to do what we can to not worry about the future. For those of us that are M, didn't we think that we knew what our future was at one point? When we got M, did we think we would find ourselves in an A? For those of us that are involved in an A and still M, did we ever think we'd be in a position where we are managing TWO relationships?
The future is always uncertain, but our relationships don't have to be. I too, have said that A's are built on lies and deceit, but it's up to the APs to figure out some form of trust within that framework. Today, I bristle at the idea of being involved in this A for another 5 year (I am 5 years in), but I know I want my AP in my life at that time.
BTW...I know a LOT of people think it's okay to leave their M after the children graduate High School ( I think my AP believes that). I have NO IDEA where that comes from. Why do so many of us think that there is some magic age at which children will be able to cope with a divorce?
I don't think it's the idea of children ever being capable of handling divorce better because, despite their ages, children of divorcing parents do become upset.
I think the benchmark of "waiting until the kids are gone" or out of school is at that point, most people probably feel as though there's no need for them to physically stay under the same roof with the other parent.
I sometimes think my AP has set that benchmark for himself-"two down, one almost gone, and one left to go..."
I think you're right onaride, and its a good topic for discussion here.
Yes there are good relatioship A's and bad relationship A's. Heaven knows we see enough of the latter kind around here, but sometimes we see the good ones too! Yes they are ALL built on lies and deceit, but that doesn't negate the fact that there are real feelings shared and real relationships that kind of become their own little unique ~thing~. Sometimes there is some "fog" going on and the true feelings are not as strong as the physical, but that is NOT always the case - there can be real love. (Don't let those people on some other boards tell you otherwise LOL).
The reason I said what I said on the other topic is because I was having a discussion over lunch with my OM yesterday. I told him I didn't know if I wanted him coming to this board (he knows all about this place) because the people here would tell him he "deserved better". Heck, I'D tell him he "deserved better"! He's single, I'm not. I've told SO MANY single girls here that they deserved more, to leave and search for someone who could give them more than an affair. He said - "but I don't think of this as an affair. I just think of it as a relationship. A weird, complicated one, but a relationship. It's been 11 years!"
So he reminded me, more or less, that we do have a relationship... and I don't hold him back from finding someone else, he just hasn't done so, yet.
You've got a lot of choices. I
Thanks for the reply Lexione.
I agree that A's are a real relationship. I feel conflicted at times, but the feelings I have in my A are very real. I know that I am in love with my AP; that's not the fog talking. I love being with her and sharing parts of my life with her. I know she feels the same.
I don't really feel jealous of her H and other aspects of her life. I just would like to share more of it with her. I don't want ANY relationship to be suffocating and I'd fully expect to give my partner plenty of space to be independent. Sometimes though, in the A, the space just seems a little bit too great.
In any relationship, we really need to do what we can to not worry about the future. For those of us that are M, didn't we think that we knew what our future was at one point? When we got M, did we think we would find ourselves in an A? For those of us that are involved in an A and still M, did we ever think we'd be in a position where we are managing TWO relationships?
The future is always uncertain, but our relationships don't have to be. I too, have said that A's are built on lies and deceit, but it's up to the APs to figure out some form of trust within that framework. Today, I bristle at the idea of being involved in this A for another 5 year (I am 5 years in), but I know I want my AP in my life at that time.
BTW...I know a LOT of people think it's okay to leave their M after the children graduate High School ( I think my AP believes that). I have NO IDEA where that comes from. Why do so many of us think that there is some magic age at which children will be able to cope with a divorce?
MPV
I don't think it's the idea of children ever being capable of handling divorce better because, despite their ages, children of divorcing parents do become upset.
I think the benchmark of "waiting until the kids are gone" or out of school is at that point, most people probably feel as though there's no need for them to physically stay under the same roof with the other parent.
I sometimes think my AP has set that benchmark for himself-"two down, one almost gone, and one left to go..."
Thank you for your insight MPV.