Yikes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2003
Yikes!
5
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 10:59pm

My H told me that he realizes that our marriage is in the pits.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: flrtygrl
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 11:30pm

Hey Flirty,


I'm not really sure how much there is between you and MM... but somewhat 3 years ago... I was pretty much faced with the same decision... although DH had discovered my affair.


At the same time I was trying to work I my marriage... I had pretty much stopped loving DH... and knew that I could let go and was prepared to do so... however when my affair come to light... I would not leave my marriage with DH thinking and assuming it was for another man... because it wasn't!


While I was no longer IN love with DH... I did still love him and I knew deep down that I hadn't given him a chance... or myself in fact... to give our marriage the best shot it had... so I had to do it.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
In reply to: flrtygrl
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 11:43pm
Hi Flirty: Boy, I can relate. My M however is really on the rocks. My H basically said he wants to split up. Our problems are many, but in his mind it's only one issue: sex. I've come to the point where I can't stand for him to touch me anymore, and refusing his latest advances was basically the straw that broke the camel's back. My H has a rather high libido and he never stops bugging me for sex. I realize that I am at a crossroads now. I've been married 25 years and involved with MM for 5. Early into the A, I asked my H to go to counseling with me figuring we should try to work on our M, but he flat out refused. He is very tempermental and bull headed. Over time, I have lost most of my feelings for my H and in the meantime, MM and I have become much closer. Emotionally, I simply cannot continue having sex with both men (MM one night, H the next-it sickens me inside). I used to be able to handle it better than I do now. I'm much more in love with my MM than I was early on.

I don't know what to advise you sweetie, except that at some point I think everyone reaches their breaking point. If you truly want to work on the M, then you'd have to give up your MM to put your focus on your H. On some level, your H senses his presence in your life, I'm sure. That is why he is now saying he wants to work on it. Even though I'm on the verge of divorce, the loss of my M still saddens me. I'm trying to figure out why, when I've dreamed of being on my own and eventually MM and I can be together. Now that it's actually happening, I'm not sure how I feel (other than a walking contradiction).

Maybe individual therapy would be good for you to sort out where you are at in all of this. In hindsight, I wish now that I had done the same thing. Good luck to you in whatever you decide. We are all here to support you. Virgogirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
In reply to: flrtygrl
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 8:19am
Hi Flirty, I'm kind of at the same place as you. M has not been good for a few years. H now says he wants to reconnect with me. He's talking about going away for a weekend, doing some hobbies together. Just trying to do stuff together again and try to get back how it was before.

And I am a little unsure what to do about MM. I think I will try as hard as I can with H, because after all, I love him and want things to be better at home. As for MM, I try not to think about him tooo much, I know I'm not top on his list of priorities anyways.

And he's been really busy lately, I haven't even heard from him since last week anyways and lately, I haven't been thinking so much about him as I used to. I used to obsess about him all the time!!

I really think that you will know in your heart, if and when the time is right to give up MM, if things really work out with H.

I am willing to try at home. But on the other hand, if things go downhill again, I don't want to have lost MM in the process and be left with no one for attention/affection.

I am going to take it one day at a time, and I hope that someday if the time is right, I will know in my heart if its time to give up MM.

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to: flrtygrl
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 9:03am
Yikes, indeed... :-) I am in the same boat. H is trying to be on his best behaviour since end of last year. I don't know when its all going to end and he will revert to his original self. I don't mean he is a big bad bully to begin with but just a man who is probably cannot involve himself very deeply in most things. He is like the man in the ivory tower, nothing bad just unreachable. I guess you better get ready to get your marriage in working order, afterall if you don't want to try out all venues before you decide to leave maybe in the future.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2003
In reply to: flrtygrl
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 12:29pm

Thank you, all of you!